Chapter One-Hundred and Thirteen: Shimeko’s Diary: Before the World Named You.

Christina's Arc: Bend or Break

“I'm sorry, Subaki,” Shimeko said through muffled words.

Her face was still pressed against Ren's familiar white fan-embroidered sweatsuit as he and Shimeko sat on the red couch Christina and I had sat on the first time I entered Shimeko's diary.

He was slightly turned, with one leg resting on the couch, only his foot hanging off the side, and his back was placed against the arm of the couch. Shimeko, however, had both knees pressed into the velvet couch. She was shorter than Ren, yes, but she made herself even smaller by balling up.

I thought she had composed herself from the way she acted at the door, but as soon as we were behind closed doors, she bawled her damn eyes out, and it kind of broke my heart to see her like that.

“I'm sorry, Subaki.”

Damn it. I'm sorry too. Now, I'm going to have to give her a big hug when I get back to the estate. But I can't think about this shit when I do; I'll start bawling.

Ren brushed Shimeko's long white hair from her face and softly kissed her forehead.

He had cried, too; it looked like he had stopped crying some time ago. But his eyes were still swollen from earlier.

I wonder if he knew what his wife had made Shimeko do?

“I'm here when you are ready to talk about it, okay? But let me be clear that you are still my little girl, regardless of how you feel about yourself now. Do you understand, my love?”

I'm sure Subaki will need more than apologies when you see her again, but I get it. What I don't get is why I'm standing by the door. I was invited in, and only Shimeko could see me—Shimeko, whose face was pressed against Ren.

I walked toward the red couch; it felt like I was walking for hours. Part of me wanted to sit within Ren, but that wouldn't be funny, and it felt inappropriate given the situation. No, I sat opposite Ren. Honestly, I didn't know what to say. I guess now was a good time to study.

However, Ren wasn't saying much; he just brushed Shimeko's hair and hummed a familiar tune. But where have I heard it?

Then he started to sing.

“When morning shakes the branches

And thunder fills the sky,

You need not chase the lightning,

Nor ask the storming why.

Let iron ring beyond us,

Let banners rise and fall.

The world can wait till morning;

You need not answer all.

Calm down, little sparrow, and rest your wings with me.

Stay high above my enemies, safe in our hiding tree.

Close your eyes to quiet winds, let the night run deep,

I'll guard the dark that circles us while you drift to sleep.

If someday you must wander

Where I cannot follow through,

Remember you were cherished

Before the world named you.

No blade can make you worthy,

No crown can make you whole.

There's nothing you must conquer

To earn a place at home.

Calm down, little sparrow, and rest your wings with me.

Stay high above my enemies, safe in our hiding tree.

Close your eyes to quiet winds, let the night run deep,

I'll guard the dark that circles us while you drift to sleep.

And should the branches splinter,

And leave you in the rain,

Follow the song I gave you;

It knows the road again.

Come home with broken feathers.

Come home with weary feet.

Whatever waits beyond us,

You're still my child to me.

So calm down, little sparrow, and rest your wings with me.

Stay high above my enemies, safe in our hiding tree.

Close your eyes to quiet winds, let the night run deep,

I'll guard the dark that circles us while you drift to sleep.”

Her soft whimpers fizzled out. Shimeko's left hand fell to her side; the other hand was caught between the couch and Ren's arm. She had fallen asleep. Ren shook his head, flipping his bangs back, and then wiped tears from his eyes while holding Shimeko.

Ren was more handsome up close; it was clear where Shimeko got her appeal from. But looks aren't everything. I still didn't know what kind of man Ren had been. It wasn't as if they kept a log or history book of the men married to the past queens. In fact, the only person I could ask was Trish's husband, but there was something wrong with him.

The door slowly opened, catching our attention. Yoshime, the pig queen who bathes her daughter in blood, slowly walked in. From how she was staring at Ren and Shimeko, I could tell where she was heading. But how would Ren react? Was he there when they cleaned the blood off Shimeko?

I stood up. I knew the Pig Queen was going to sit there. My attention turned back to Ren, whose luster dulled in his eyes.

Oh, damn. He just hit the off switch. I've done it myself in this life and my past life, but this is the first time I get to see what it looks like from the outside.

The life drained from his eyes, his eyelids lowered, his body relaxed, and his forward-facing personality lost its warmth.

“Ren, we need to talk,” Yoshime said in a soft tone.

I considered mimicking her, but my voice wouldn't come out as soft, and I didn't want to wake Shimeko.

“Shimeko is asleep, my queen. Can we save this conversation for a later date?” Ren asked in a monotone voice without making eye contact or standing up.

Yoshime closed her eyes and frowned, and then she moved to sit down. She had changed out of her armor into a pair of soft-looking grey pajamas with silver trim and gold fan images on the back of the pajama top.

“Ren, Shimeko is thirteen; in four more years, she will join me on the battlefield, where she will write her name into the history of this country, where she will make her grand debut as the next queen of Iron,” Yoshime whispered, but the excitement in her voice betrayed her.

Yoshime reached for Shimeko, probably to rub her head, but Ren wrapped himself around her, and Yoshime stopped.

…

Wow, historical drama.

“We've discussed this, Ren,” Yoshime said, her voice level.

“Don't you mean you've discussed this and I listened?”

…

Yoshime brought her hand back and placed it on her knee. The two sat in silence for a moment, radiating this weird tension, and then Yoshime started picking lint from her pajamas.

“Do you remember when we were younger, Ren?”

He looked away, not that he was looking at her in the first place.

Yoshime took a deep breath.

“You were always in my orbit, one of the few boys who showed any interest in me because of how I look. I even warned you that my life was riddled with uncertainty, as would be the life of my child.”

Ren's eyes fell onto Yoshime.

“Do you remember what you said to me, Ren?”

…

“Beauty is on the inside, which is why you were like that.”

Yoshime smiled.

“I laughed so hard that I thought the goddess was calling me back, but I claimed you right then and there. Then I fought an army of girls who were too scared to claim you themselves,” Yoshime joyously said.

Ren smiled as tears fell from his eyes. Then he kissed Shimeko's forehead.

“Do you still feel the same?” Yoshime asked.

He nodded, and then shook his head, causing Yoshime's eyes to widen.

“My heart is torn; I never expected to feel this way about her. You're killing her with a war your mother started, and it's breaking me. You're breaking me,” Ren whimpered.

***

The world blurred and then snapped back into focus, but it was dark. Did I die while reading Shimeko's diary? But I could see my hands and fingers, but I wasn't holding Shimeko's diary. Then where was it?

“Antwon,” Christina mumbled from my left.

I could feel my mattress beneath me, but it felt uncomfortable, like lying on stone, and after what I saw, it should be nails.

“Did you hear me? You've been up for most of the night reading, hani.”

I wonder if Christina was forced to kill someone when she was a kid… when she was smaller?

"If you don't get some sleep now, you'll be too tired to do anything but sleep in class, and then I'll get shit for it."

If she was forced to kill someone, I know Trish wouldn't do anything to make her feel better, right? Maybe her father would be like —

"Wait, what the hell did you say?" I asked.

…

"Christina, where's my book?"

"I… knocked it to the floor. Get it after we get up, okay?"

The room began to blur, and I brought both hands to my face.

"Okay, Christina," I whispered as the weight of everything I learned leaked through my fingers.