Chapter 50: Bone Appétit: Your Calves are Delicious

But the victory was short-lived.

The remaining goblins hadn't been deterred by the slaughter of their comrades; they had been observing. These creatures weren't just sneaky; they were cunning.

From the periphery, three goblins launched a coordinated assault, not with blades, but with handfuls of grit and street debris.

Fshhh!

A cloud of coarse sand and pulverized glass slammed into Lindis's face.

"Gah! Damn it!" she hissed, her voice muffled by a scream of irritation. She instinctively clamped her eyes shut, the abrasive grit scratching at her corneas, blinding her in an instant.

The moment she lost her sight, the ambush turned into a frenzy.

The goblins descended upon her like a swarm of insects. They didn't go for a killing blow—they went for attrition. They lunged continuously, their claws raking across her arms and shoulders, throwing heavy stones that echoed with dull thuds against her skin. One of them managed to slide a blade across her side, leaving a jagged, burning bruise that seeped crimson.

Lindis swung her axe blindly, the heavy blade whistling through empty air.

"Oof!"

A coordinated kick to her ankle tripped her, and as she tilted, two more goblins slammed their fists into her stomach. The air left her lungs in a sharp, painful wheeze. The momentum of the assault pushed her backward, her boots sliding across the debris-strewn pavement.

She stumbled, her balance gone, and slammed hard into the side of a wooden produce stall. With a resounding crash, the structure gave way. Lindis went down hard, landing flat on her back against the splintered wood, her legs thrown upward in a tangled mess of limbs and broken crates.

For a moment, the world was nothing but the smell of crushed cabbage and the high-pitched, triumphant cackling of the green monsters closing in.

I watched from the sidelines, frozen in a cocktail of terror and disbelief, as Lindis—the woman who had just carried me like a piece of luggage—was currently being treated like a punching bag by a group of overgrown, green garden gnomes.

The sight of her pinned under a vegetable stall was too much. Panic, and a desperate need to stop the carnage, overrode my survival instinct.

"STOPPP!!!" I screamed, my voice cracking in a way that was definitely not heroic.

The cackling stopped. Six pairs of glowing red eyes snapped in my direction. The goblins paused, tilting their heads in unison, looking at me with an expression that clearly said, 'Oh look, another snack.'

As if on cue, the blue system window popped up in my vision, shimmering with its usual condescending glow.

[Target Identification: Twig-Leg Goblins. Tier: Low. Ability: Sneaky, Cunning, and remarkably efficient at making you look pathetic.]

[Analysis: You have successfully stolen the spotlight and diverted the enemy's attention. Truly a masterstroke of tactical distraction.]

[Query: Now that you have successfully become the primary target, what is your next move, Oh Brave Warrior of the Gosiwon?]

I don't know! I screamed internally. I just wanted them to stop hitting her!

Out loud, I did the only thing that felt natural in the moment: I waved my hand frantically, like I was trying to hail a taxi in the middle of a monster invasion.

The goblins did not appreciate the gesture. They snarled, their lips curling back to reveal rows of needle-teeth, and simultaneously launched a barrage of cobblestones at my head.

"S***! Abort! Abort mission!"

I turned and bolted. I didn't run with grace; I ran with a level of desperation that would have made an Olympic sprinter ashamed. I dove behind a parked sedan, the metal screeching as I slid across the hood. I used the cars as a makeshift labyrinth, zig-zagging through the street, my heart hammering against my ribs like a trapped bird.

I thought I was safe for a second, but then I heard a rhythmic thump-thump-thump.

A goblin had leapt onto the roof of the car beside me. With a manic screech, it vaulted across the hoods, cutting off my exit and landing squarely in front of me. It stood there, blocking the path, its blade held low, looking at me with a smug, murderous grin.

Fine, I thought, the adrenaline finally boiling over. You want a piece of me? Here’s the whole damn cake!

I planted my feet, pulled my left fist back until my shoulder locked, and channeled every single ounce of whatever was left in my mana pool.

[Skill Activated: True Thunder]

I blinked. Not a literal blink, but a spatial shudder. In a burst of blinding speed, I surged forward a single, short step. My fist connected squarely with the goblin’s protruding stomach.

K-BOOOOM!

The sound wasn't just a punch; it was a sonic boom. White-hot sparks of electricity erupted from the point of impact, branching out across the goblin's green skin like a web of lightning. The sound of a thousand buzzing transformers filled the air—BZZZT-CRACKLE-POP—as the electrical discharge surged through the creature's entire nervous system.

I stood there, panting, my arm still buried in the goblin's gut. I waited for the explosion. I waited for the creature to disintegrate into a pile of ash.

The goblin just stared at me.

It didn't move. It didn't even blink. It looked completely deadpanned, as if I had just tried to tickle it with a feather. Slowly, with agonizing deliberation, it raised its serrated blade, let out a low, guttural snarl—grrrrrrr—and leaned in closer.

I looked at the goblin. I looked at the sparking electricity still dancing on its chest. I looked at the blade.

"Nope," I whispered.

I didn't even wait for him to swing. I turned on my heel and ran the absolute heck out of my life, screaming a high-pitched sound that I would later deny ever leaving my throat.

I was sprinting for my life, my lungs burning, when I heard the whistling sound of a blade cutting through the air. I didn't look back—I didn't need to. I just knew that if I stayed in the open, I was going to become a very expensive human kebab.

In a moment of sheer, uncoordinated desperation, I spotted an open sunroof of a nearby sedan. I didn't so much "jump" as I did "accidentally launch myself," sliding through the opening and wedging myself into the interior of the car with all the grace of a wet noodle.

CRASH!

The goblin’s blade slammed into the roof of the car, the metal shrieking under the force of the blow. The creature let out a series of guttural, high-pitched screeches—GREEKK! SKREE!—sounding like a blender full of gravel.

Trapped in the cramped space, facing the glass, I felt my soul briefly leave my body. I closed my eyes, folded my hands in a frantic, improvised prayer.

Dear whatever gods are listening—and I know I haven't been a saint, but please—if I survive this, I promise I'll stop complaining about my sister's cooking. Just let me not be a goblin-flavored snack today. Amen.

The prayer ended abruptly as the goblin’s head appeared at the window. Without thinking, I lunged. I pulled my legs back and unleashed a flurry of panicked, rapid-fire kicks straight into the creature's smug, green face.

THWACK! BAM! SMACK!

"Get! The! Hell! Away! From! Me!"

But then, the unthinkable happened. The goblin didn't flinch. Instead, it opened its maw and—with a sound like a wet vacuum—clamped its teeth firmly onto my calf.

"GYAAAAAAHHH!!!"

I let out a scream that probably could have been heard in the next province.

"You disgusting, toe-eating freak! Did you just bite me?! Who does that?! We are in a civilized city! Use a fork, you green monster!"

[Notification: User has been categorized as 'Tastily Seasoned'.]

[System Comment: It appears the goblin finds your calf to be a delicacy. Perhaps your frequent consumption of spicy tteokbokki has marinated your muscles to perfection. Bone appétit!]

"Shut up, you useless calculator!" I roared.

Driven by a cocktail of pain and pure, unadulterated rage, I ripped my leg back and began a relentless pummeling of kicks, driving my right foot into the goblin's nose over and over again. Splat. Crunch. Thud.

Taking advantage of the creature's momentary daze, I scrambled through the other side of the car, sliding out the passenger door and tumbling onto the pavement in a heap of limbs.

I barely had time to breathe before a deafening roar ripped through the air.

ROOOAAAARRR!

I looked up to see a second goblin soaring through the air, its blade raised high beside its head, descending upon me like a miniature, green comet. I reacted on instinct, ducking low. The blade whistled over my scalp, carving a deep, screeching line into the metal of the car's door.

As the goblin landed, I spotted a heavy stone tile fragment lying on the ground. I snatched it up, feeling my strength surge as my passive multiplier kicked in. With three times the grip of a normal human.

K-SPLAT!

I smashed the tile directly into the goblin's face. The force was so immense that the stone didn't just break—it disintegrated into a cloud of grey dust upon impact.

Before the creature could even register that its nose had been relocated to the back of its skull, I grabbed it by the ears. I didn't just hit it; I used the car as a tool. I slammed the goblin's head into the car window with a rhythmic, violent precision.

SLAM.

They say that violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

SLAM.

But they never mention that it's also the most effective way to deal with a pest problem.

SLAM.

And truly, the only way to find a common understanding with a monster is to ensure the monster's head is the same shape as the window it's being pushed through.

CRASH!

With one final, resounding slam, the glass shattered completely, and the goblin went limp, its head resting comfortably amidst the shards of the window. I stepped back, breathing hard, wondering if I was actually becoming a psychopath or if this was just how "Version 2.0" of my life was supposed to feel.

---

"Chapter 50! We actually did it! 🥂

A moment of silence for all the readers we lost on the way to this milestone... may they find a story with less stress than Ethan's life. 💀 For those of you still sticking around, thank you so much for the incredible support.

I'm honestly floored by the 730+ favorites. Like, actually floored. I don't know how it happened or why you guys like this so much, but I'm not complaining! Thanks for making this journey so wild. Love you all! ✨"