I Should Have Just Died

Chapter 143

She had to leave.

She had to.

Even if she died, she wanted to die quietly in a place where no one was there. It was the final plan Alyssa had made for herself, who could not make up her mind, neither death nor life. But even that…

Alyssa slid down to the floor.

Cruel.

Seidrick was too cruel to her. Shouldn’t he give her a chance to hate him if he tricked her?

“Not like this.”

Alyssa buried her face in her palm.

“How could you do this to me….”

“…Alyssa.”

Seidrick shed a murmur. He hoped she wouldn’t hear her name, but she seemed to have heard it already. Alyssa’s despair seems to be transmitted to Seidrick too. He got up. The body, which was still suffering from a fever, was still heavy and challenging.

But he couldn’t leave Alyssa like that.

Seidrick rose and sat down on the bed. A long breath squeezed out from his lips. He tried to hide it, but he couldn’t help it. The feeling of heat pounding through his body made Seidrick suffer. Every time he opened his mouth, a hot breath flowed out.

He reached out to reach Alyssa.

He dared not touch her.

“…You can’t sit on the cold floor. You just woke up.”

Alyssa looked at Seidrick silently.

Tears welled up from the purple eyes. Seidrick hesitated again and again. He wanted to be the one who could wipe her tears away, but he knows he doesn’t deserve it. Nevertheless…

The Seidrick in Alyssa’s eyes was quivering. He realizes once again that her appearance is so shabby and small. In front of him, Alyssa was nothing. Like a dream that fades away in an instant.

“…what about Seidrick?”

Alyssa asked quietly.

Her heart raged like a violent storm. She wanted to weep and crumple in front of Seidrick. She wanted to see him apologize in front of Alyssa. Promise her he won’t do that again. No, can she forgive him for that?

Could it be that Alyssa was weakened because Seidrick was ill?

Are the years when Alyssa has been deceived over the past three years, those short three years, scattered like nothing else?

She couldn’t get a hold of herself, so she sank quietly. Alyssa’s lips trembled.

“I……”

“I’m sorry.”

Seidrick spoke up clumsily.

“It’s all my fault. Uh… Alyssa… Please, don’t cry.”

She can see Seidrick’s fingertips trembling as he pointed at the floor sloppily. The shoulder, which seemed so huge, and the man who seemed strong, collapsed in front of Alyssa.

Of all things, it was seen in Alyssa’s eyes, not anyone else’s.

The fingers that were clutching the rug are white and swaying. The hand that lost the blood was going to tremble, not knowing what to do with the guilt.

Alyssa bit her lip.

Even though the fishy smell fills her mouth.

“Don’t cry……”

Seidrick’s voice echoed through the air.

“I will do whatever you want. Alyssa, do whatever you want… so don’t cry.”

Only Alyssa was reflected in Seidrick’s shaky eyes.

It’s not that she doesn’t know. Alyssa was not unaware that either Seidrick or Sid is in love with her. Alyssa was sensitive. She spent her whole life watching. She could clearly feel the emotional changes in others.

Seidrick was in love with Alyssa. Whether it’s sweet or not.

“…What if I want to leave? What if I want to turn away from Cambridge and leave now? What if I ask for a divorce and leave whether it’s you or Ophelia, or mother… leave everything behind?”

Alyssa asked quietly. Her pale face glistened with tears. Tears dripped down and wetted her dress. Seidrick’s face turned pale. He licks his lips a few times, then shakes his head.

“That too, as you wish….”

Seidrick whispered in a suppressed voice.

“I don’t have the power to hold onto you, Alyssa…”

A person who seemed stronger than anyone else becomes humble and makes Alyssa miserable. Alyssa gasped for breath. It was she who wanted to die. Alyssa wished herself to die and would rather be. It wasn’t someone or even loved ones that she wanted to die.

No matter how much Seidrick deceived her. Even if he says that, the fact that she loves him doesn’t change. She was miserable and damned.

But why did it have to be Seidrick?

“So if you want….”

Seidrick couldn’t finish his words and shook his head. His heart was pounding.

He hadn’t yet figured out what he should say to her in a situation like this. Even though he was aware that Alyssa could leave, he denied it countless times. He had been struggling with it because he didn’t even want to imagine his life without her.

But it became a reality through Alyssa’s mouth.

Seidrick was as restless as a little child who had no idea what to do.

Tears streamed down Seidrick’s cheeks as he licked his lips.

Seidrick didn’t cry over the fact that he was ill. But just because Alyssa said she wanted to leave, it felt like he was going to crumble and dry. Eventually, unable to contain his sobbing, he ran towards Alyssa.

“…Alyssa. Can’t you not go…? Yes, I know I am not in a position to hold you confidently. I deceived you and hurt you. Now I am ill.”

Alyssa bit her lip. The strength of the lip-biting penetrated her, but she didn’t even feel it. It was because the pain in her heart was more significant than the pain in her body.

Seidrick covered his face. Seeing that, Alyssa was also miserable.

Then she saw that he was very thin. Not only was Alyssa light, but Seidrick was also much more delicate than when she first saw him. The first time she saw him, he looked pretty reliable, but now his flesh has dropped so much that his sharp lines stand out.

Seidrick’s thick tears run down his face. Tears rolled down his face and fell into Alyssa’s heart, causing ripples.

“Then… can you not go? I… I haven’t done anything… to you… I couldn’t do anything.”

Seidrick stuttered.

“There are a lot of things I want to do… There are many things I can do… I haven’t done anything yet….”

Seidrick closed his eyes tightly.

Knowing that this is also selfishness, his broken/out-of-order mouth does not stop. If he could only beg and get down at his feet and beg to catch Alyssa, he wanted to do it.

“So……”

Huuuu …… A beastly cry broke out of Seidrick’s lips. It felt like the emotions he’s been holding back are bursting out.

Words that could not be put out because it was petty and pathetic came out without hesitation.

“I… lost everything I loved. But what if you leave too?”

Even though he knew it had nothing to do with Alyssa.

“Without you, what would… What would I do?”

Seidrick shook his head.

“No. No… I know it’s not your fault… It’s not your fault. Just… I need you.”

Seidrick was in tears.

He didn’t think he’d ever cried in such a mess since he was a kid. Seidrick always had something to protect. So he couldn’t cry in front of others, and he couldn’t act like a child to his heart’s content. The heavy load on his shoulders would collapse altogether.

Alyssa sighed.

“…well, you make people helpless.”

He made her fall in love with him, and now…

Alyssa rolled her eyes.

Although it was not threatening as it was filled with tears, she could do nothing right now. She couldn’t resent or hate Seidrick.

There was a problem with making ends meet. The royal family was falling apart and collapsing into shambles, and the revolutionary corps was advancing. Someone has to be the focal point, and Cambridge should play that role. A Cambridge that people can truly trust and follow.

But what if Seidrick is gone and Alyssa isn’t there?

Ophelia has just become an adult. Will she be able to bear that weight?

This is what Alyssa started as well.

Clemore’s story ignited a fire in the people’s hearts and created animosity towards the royal family. It was Alyssa who brought their thoughts together.

She couldn’t even tell him to carry it alone.

So.

What happened between Alyssa and Seidrick work is a matter of the past. Whether the ending between the two of them is a happy ending or a sad ending. Alyssa’s head was scrambled.

“You will never deceive me again.”

Seidrick nodded his head.

“I can’t promise you I won’t leave you after you come back and all this is over.”

“……I understand.”

“I still think I should leave this place because I don’t fit into Cambridge. Promise me you’ll let me go if I ever want to leave… someday.”

Seidrick nodded his head heavily.

Even now, where is the time to buy? Could Alyssa change her mind?

She wiped away the tears as she licked her lips as she searched for words to say.

In the end, Alyssa was raised by Seidrick.

He grabbed her as if she was rushing towards her death, just like flowing water. Even if it’s temporary, he made her live.

For now… you have to live.

“You must come back alive, too.”

Seidrick nodded his head.