Chapter 205: Let’s leave to love again

The fortress had begun to breathe again.

It was still scarred, still surrounded by blackened stone and broken towers, but the constant movement of people through the courtyards had given Ashen Fortress a strange sense of life that had been absent since the attack.

Soldiers carried timber toward the damaged walls while villagers sorted salvaged supplies, and from the eastern training ground came the rhythmic sound of wooden swords striking against one another as Qingyue began shaping the survivors into something that could eventually become an army.

Yet Yexue could not bring herself to join them.

She stood alone on one of the fortress balconies, staring toward the mountains beyond the walls. The wind pulled loose strands of her hair across her face, but she barely noticed.

Her thoughts had been somewhere else since Ru Yi was taken.

Every time Yexue closed her eyes, she remembered the moment General Sheng’s soldiers surrounded Ru Yi, remembered the devastation on Ru Yi’s face when Qingyue turned her away, and remembered the way the broken ring had looked on Ru Yi’s finger before she disappeared into the distance.

Yexue had told herself that she should have stood beside Ru Yi. But she didn’t want to choose between Ru Yi and her sisters again. It made her almost lose Qingyue the first time.

That was the problem.

"She isn’t coming back."

Yexue stiffened.

Han Shuying stepped onto the balcony and leaned against the stone railing beside her.

Yexue didn’t look at her. "What do you want? Are you not tired of hovering around and trying to play savior?" The look in her eyes when she stared Han Shuying down was eerily similar to disgust.

"It wasn’t a problem when I was playing your savior." Han Shuying watched her for a moment. "Do you know why we didn’t work out?"

Yexue rolled her eyes. "Don’t remind me of my unfortunate past."

Han Shuying continued despite her dismissal. "You don’t know what you want. And you don’t know who you are outside of your sisters."

Yexue sighed. "Are you here to poke at my wound?"

"I have better things to do." Han Shuying’s voice was clipped. "What we had could never be really called love, but for what it’s worth I cared about you. Which is why I’m saying this...maybe it’s time to search deep inside your soul for what truly sets your soul on fire."

Yexue looked away. "It’s not that simple. Don’t think I haven’t tried."

"Then try harder, you’re not the type to give up."

Yexue looked down at her hands. "It hadn’t been my intention to put my sisters above you back then," she said in a small voice. "I didn’t know how not to."

Han Shuying studied her with diligent indifference. "That was the problem. And it’s honestly a pity watching you repeat the same mistake with Ru Yi."

Yexue turned to the mountains. "We had a fight before back in Emberfall...Qingyue and I." She bit down on her bottom lip. "I don’t want that to happen again. I can bear to lose Ru Yi but not my sisters...they’re the only family I have."

"That’s very understandable," Han Shuying said with a nod. "But your fear of losing others is keeping you from living for yourself."

"I know." The admission came quietly. "I can’t tell you what kind of life I want, I can’t tell you where I want to live or who I strive to become. But...the only time I’ve ever felt a spark in my soul was when I was with Ru Yi."

Han Shuying remained quiet.

"But I’m not determined like Qingyue, or brave like Lieyin. I don’t know how to fight for what I want...or the woman I love." She put her palms over her face. "I failed myself and I failed her."

"To love without being brave enough to protect the other person is foolishness." Han Shuying’s voice took on a little softness. "There is a difference between loving your sisters and forgetting that you’re an individual that’s allowed to make their own distinct choices."

Yexue was silent, brushing her palms down her face.

"Maybe it’s time you found out what you want when nobody is there." Han Shuying put a hand on her shoulder. "Take your time, there’s no need to rush."

Yexue finally looked at her, eyes narrowing with suspicion. "What’s it to you anyway?"

Han Shuying smiled. "Why does everyone seem to think I’m plotting something evil all the time."

"Because you always are," Yexue responded. "And I know you’re not capable of genuinely worrying for another person."

Han Shuying shrugged. "There’s really nothing up my sleeves this time." She wiggled her brows in a playful manner that was very rare. "I’m just giving you a shoulder to cry on. Besides, I’m returning to the capital tomorrow."

Yexue frowned. Somehow they’ve all gotten used to having her around. "Your master finally called you back?" she taunted.

Han Shuying nodded with a smile. "Someone has to hold it down while the Empress plots the dawnfall of the entire kingdom."

"Careful..." Yexue looked around in an exaggerated manner. "You can be accused of treason. Unless you’re willing to be exiled like the rest of us."

Han Shuying shook her head. "No, thank you. I’d very much like to keep my title."

"What do you think will happen to Ru Yi in the hands of General Sheng?" Yexue asked quietly. She hadn’t dared to voice her concern to her sisters.

"Expect the worst," Han Shuying answered honestly. "Say goodbye to the sweet Ru Yi you fell in love with. People will always change when they’ve been hurt badly enough."

The words left a chill behind them.

Yexue thought about the expression on Ru Yi’s face when Qingyue turned away from her. "What do I do now? I can’t bring her back without causing a war."

"Focus on discovering who Yexue is when she isn’t somebody’s sister, somebody’s protector, or somebody’s lover."

Yexue stared at her. "And if I discover that I still want Ru Yi?"

"Then at least you’ll know that you’re choosing her because you want her, not because you’re afraid of losing the person you were when she was beside you."