Chapter 137 - Paying Off The Sleep Debt With Interest

At some point I had dozed off. I was sitting on the floor, holding my legs to my chest, curled up against the wall opposite the one I had sworn Caru had disappeared into. I'm not entirely sure what I had been doing before then, but judging by the empty food tray, I must have inhaled the food.

Despite my hunger being sated, however much sleep I had gotten on the floor was not nearly enough.

I was woken by someone gently shaking me awake, and I was happy to see it was Eira doing it.

"Are you ok? Did anything happen?" She asked softly, checking me over. Her face looked deeply concerned. My immediate thought was that she thought I had gotten attacked or something.

"Yeah, I just fell asleep. I'm okay, I swear." I said, trying to get up on my feet and finding myself very unsteady and needing to lean on her. Eventually I stabilized. Gods below, I was so damn tired. So very damn tired. I was tired of being tired.

"Ok, if you're sure you're already. I see the food was very much welcome." She gently teased. I smiled and nodded.

"I needed that. I have no idea why I'm so damned hungry today." I yawned wide and tried to shake the sleep from my head. I needed to get it together. Caru could have killed me, and in my current state, I would have slept through it.

I looked and saw a small group of pirates, or at least I assumed based on their attire. They were looking at the wall intently, touching it and talking amongst themself.

"Hey, are you sure you saw someone go into the wall?" One of them asked, looking over their shoulder in my direction. I can't say I recognized him off the top of my head, but that wasn't surprising. I didn't really take any effort to remember any of them, with exceptions. I was mostly worried about doing my best to remember Eira's family.

"Yeah. I saw them; they walked into this little nook here, and when I chased after them, they were gone." I said, rubbing my eyes. Gods above, my eyes hurt. The rest of me hurt too. I didn't work out that hard with my training, did I? Surely not.

The pirates talked amongst themselves some more, and even with my blurring vision I recognized the looks on their faces. Skepticism.

"Well, I'm sorry, miss, but there's nothing here. No secret walls, no illusions, nothing." He said, trying to keep things diplomatic, no doubt.

I felt the urge to yell at them, accuse them of calling me a liar, but I pushed those feelings down. No need to cause more problems. That said, I couldn't help but feel irritated.

"They're a mage. Powerful one. Maybe they teleported?" I suggested, wracking my brain for a solution. How could they not consider teleportation? Come on, people.

"We checked for zat, milady. We could not find any magical byproducts or mana traces outzide ambient energies." A woman, with an accent I couldn't place, explained, looking at me like I was confused, or maybe stupid.

Ok, Alta, calm it down. They're not your enemy. But how dare they?

"I know what I saw! I know I saw it. I did. I did? Did I? So hard to think right now." I started to sway a bit. The world didn't look quite right. Maybe I was crazy?

When was the last time I had a proper rest? I tried to take a mental inventory of how much sleep I had gotten, and I was starting to realize I didn't even have any idea what day it was anymore. I only vaguely even knew what time of day it was.

"Alta, sweetie, let's go back to our room." She turned to pirates with her. "Find some volunteers to patrol. And do regular sweeps with people with mana training. She's right that the enemy is a powerful mage, and we have no idea what they could possibly be getting up to."

I was feeling a bit put out when I saw the doubtful faces on the pirates, but I just didn't have the energy to say anything about it.

The one with the accent nodded and gave a quick bow in my direction.

"Your wish is our command, Ms. Medwin. We'll double-check everything as well. We did not mean to offend, Ms. Marchesi. Tensions are high, and some of our cohort have been, how you say, jumping at ze ghosts."

"Yeah. I get it. I think. Fuck I'm sleepy." I groaned, and leaned on Eira.

Eira supported me as she guided me back to our room. I was so damned tired. So very damned tired.

The trip had been rough for a variety of reasons. The short time in the harbor had been fun but very fast-paced, followed by a cloak-and-dagger trip out here. Then training, sunburns, a cult, a high-stakes meeting, the subterranean dungeon, the fight against the squid thing, and then more training with Smitty to cap it off. Oh, and at some point I had been poisoned. And the hair thing. I'd kind of lost track of everything at this point.

I hadn't really let myself relax. Sure, I ate good food, was lazy a little bit, but I never really truly let myself unwind. As the chaos mounted, my brain started to think I couldn't rest. I had to prepare, to train, and more.

I don't even think I was consciously doing it. Maybe my brain was inventing ghosts because I needed there to be one.

Even during the last year, I was always busy with something. School, the cafe, the dungeons, the stuff with the Knights, Cassandra's wedding, my little baby core, whatever that one handsome knight and his cat lady friend, the dryads, the harpies, all of it was just constantly keeping me occupied with something. And a lot of it was life-threatening.

Something always happens. Every time I think I might get some respite from the ever-deepening pile of ptarm-shite, the world seems to add something else. It never ever stopped.

When was the last time I truly relaxed? I don't know anymore. I don't know if I've ever relaxed. Maybe I don't know how at this point. Did I even deserve it? A person who deserved rest would be handling all this better.

Or I'm just being mean to myself.

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"Eira, I really want to sleep. I really really really need to sleep, please." I mumbled.

"Ok, my sweet, let's get you to bed." She said gently. Maybe patronizingly? I'm being too sensitive. Definitely being too sensitive. Eira would never treat me like that. Never ever.

We got into our room, and she helped me change into some simple sleep clothes. It was a little embarrassing to be dressed by someone else, but I also didn't care enough to dwell on it. I was asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow, only vaguely aware of Eira wrapping her arms around me from behind, and holding me tight to her.

I still couldn't say I was relaxed, but exhaustion forced the issue.

I dreamed. I realized that I hadn't dreamed much in a long time. Not in any real sense. Occasional stressful nightmares, a few erotic ones, of course, but nothing like when I was younger. The prophetic dreams of the old elves were never a thing for me, but the vividness of the dreams of my younger days was lost to me.

Since I had bonded with my core that fateful day that felt like an eternity ago, though it had been less than a year, my dreams were more ephemeral, more like ghosts of dreams rather than proper dreams.

This one, however, was clear, and a very real feeling. And familiar.

I was upon a black ocean that stretched infinitely into nothingness. I had been here before. Several times. It was usually only in near death, or under the heavy influence of medicines, that I came here. I had never stepped into this realm from pure exhaustion, though. That was definitely different.

I don't honestly know if this was better or worse.

I was leaning towards worse. Something felt very wrong here. It took me a few moments, but it finally occurred to me what was missing. I used to see the green stars hovering above me, a dim, faint glow hidden in the depths beneath me. But this time, I couldn't see them.

It was just blackness.

My core usually visited me in this place, but they were absent. While they were physically apart from me, a part of them still dwelled in my soul, as part of my mana. I knew they were there. Even in sleep I could feel them.

They were missing, though. No, missing wasn't right. Hiding was more apt. It was hiding from something. Something I couldn't see. The feeling was deeply unsettling. I think the quiet and emptiness were worse than any nightmare I had ever had.

I looked around for anything, any sign of a presence in that vast shimmering nothingness, and found myself wanting. I felt a pang of panic rising inside me, feeling as though I was trapped in the open. Like a mouse hunted by a bird of prey in a field.

Something caught the edge of my vision. Something above me.

I looked up and saw a red pinprick of light, like a star on a dark winter night. It was small, barely perceptible. But it was getting steadily brighter. And larger. I felt a pain in my chest at the sight of it. A tightness, a burning grasp on my heart, or more accurately, my soul.

It increasingly felt more like an eye glaring at me than a star. Like something focusing an untold amount of hunger and hatred upon me. I had been looked on with contempt, loathing, jealousy, but they were nothing compared to this. It was a hating hunger that was beyond primal. It was a gnawing anger that felt powerful and fundamental to creation, something older than the sun or the earth beneath one's feet.

The burning red light kept growing, and it was hot from that pure, undeniable hunger. It felt as though my skin were going to burn off me. Larger and larger, hotter and hotter. I was afraid. I was more afraid than I had ever been in my life. I needed to protect myself, but there was nothing I could do.

I turned to run. I had to escape. I had to be anywhere but here. Something blocked my path. Something small, holding a trident, blood gushing from its throat. Its eyes dead and accusing. It gurgled at me in rage and stepped forward lurchingly, its weapon aimed for my heart.

I couldn't move. I wasn't frozen with fear, or anything like that. It was like my muscles defied me, betrayed me. I felt myself pulled into the dark depths of black by impossible tendrils, pulling me downward into a crushing depth. Something below also hungered, and it would deny the burning star its desire, at the cost of my very existence.

I screamed.

I realized that my scream wasn't just in my dream. I had bitten my lip in whatever thrashing I had done in my sleep. It hurt so bad, and I could taste the blood.

I felt arms around me, but they were soft, warm, protective instead of the horrifying tendrils of the dream. I found Eira holding me tightly, petting my hair gently, shushing me softly. I was trembling, sweating, and there were tears flowing down my eyes.

I was so damned tired. So very damn tired. I couldn't even find rest in my dreams. I cried harder. Tears of fear turning to tears of bitterness, of guilt, of fear, of uncertainty. I don't even know how long I cried.

Eventually, my body gave in, and the world of dreams denied me entry, to which I was grateful. I needed this. I deserved this. I was worthy of rest. Of blissful oblivion.

I had no idea how long I had slept, but the burning exhaustion in all my muscles had faded. My eyes no longer hurt, my body no longer wracked with soreness. I was, however, dreadfully thirsty, and my tongue kept sticking to the roof of my mouth.

I heard soft singing from the direction of the bathroom, along with the sound of water filling the bathtub. I smelled a very familiar scent of herbs, both fragrant and medicinal. The same mixture from the healing baths at Dungeon School. It hadn't even been a full month since we left, and I was already nostalgic for that smell.

I carefully stood and stumbled towards the heavenly sound, my sense of balance still questionable. I stopped before I got too far, and drank the waiting water on my nightstand. I could taste the minerals that Eira had added. A welcome addition, and it felt rejuvenating.

I stretched, feeling my poor joints pop back into place. I sighed in delight at the relief. I went to strip my night clothes off when something caught my eye.

The room we were in had a little lamp on a table. It was a very nice lamp, tastefully ornate, and gave the right amount of light for reading or other such things. I hadn't paid much attention to the room before, but I remembered that lamp.

The problem was that at this exact moment, it looked off. Like it was out of focus compared to everything else.

I blinked, trying to clear my vision. Nothing. I blinked again and again, rubbed my eyes, but nothing worked. I should just ignore it. I really should just ignore it.

My lovely paramour is in the other room, drawing a lovely medicinal bath for the two of us to enjoy some time together, I reminded myself. Forget the chaos, and just enjoy each other's company in peace. Let the Free Waters, the pirates and the Knights, and everyone worry about everything else, and we could just be in our own little world. The entire world could catch fire and burn to ashes that blow away in the wind for all I cared, as long as Eira was there.

But that damn lamp just kept drawing my eyes. I hated that lamp. Its wrongness was pissing me off. I felt my craw burning again. Like the star, but inside me this time.

I wanted to destroy the lamp. The room. This world. I wanted to set it all ablaze, to devour its ashes.

I felt a hand on my shoulder; its grip tight to the point of causing me to cry out. My voice wasn't there.

The thing that grabbed me spun me around. The room was gone; I was back in the infinite black ocean, its surface thrashing like a lake in a storm. And before me was a too-tall pale shape, with eyes glowing with a hateful rage, and above its head, like a baleful halo, was that blazing star I had seen earlier. It was Caru. The Magister.

"You and I are going to have a talk, Alta Alba Marchesi. We're going to settle this, once and for all!" They roared at me.

"No. She won't." A familiar voice that wasn't a voice said softly. I knew that voice. I felt it. My core. My infant core had come out of hiding.

The black ocean vanished in a flash of nothingness.

I shot straight up in bed, a cold sweat running down my face. I turned to look around me in a panic. Eira was still asleep beside me, breathing softly. The lights were low. The room was quiet save for the sound of her breath and my panting gasps.

I focused on the lamp and felt an immeasurable relief that it looked completely normal.

I stank. I stank of fear sweat mixed with the exertions of yesterday. My muscles still hung on to some of the soreness earned from the struggles of the last several days.

I was still tired. So damnably tired.

I wanted to rest.

I was afraid to rest.

I lay back down and snuggled close to Eira, but sleep did not claim me. I couldn't let it. Not again. Not tonight.

I would try again tomorrow.