Chapter 199: Truth

Chapter 199: Chapter 199: Truth

Lu Zhengchuan was silent for a long time, just looking at Su Wan’s eyes, which seemed to see right into a person’s soul.

After what felt like an eternity, he reached out and gripped her hand tightly, his voice hoarse. "Wanwan, I’m afraid."

Su Wan remained silent, simply listening.

"Afraid that one day I won’t come back from a mission, afraid of leaving you and the children behind."

"Afraid that every time we meet will be the last."

"But I can’t control my desire to go on missions. Patriotism is a duty etched into my very bones. I want to change, but I can’t."

"So every time I come back from a mission, all I can do is thank Heaven for letting me live, for giving me a little more time to spend with you."

"I’m afraid to think too much about it, so I just don’t think about it at all."

He used to think this mindset of his was a form of courage. But now that Wanwan had burst his bubble, he realized he’d been nothing but a coward from start to finish.

And while he may have been content, the feeling he left Wanwan with was that she never truly had a home.

No wonder Wanwan was angry now.

"Wanwan, I was wrong. I’ll do my best to change," Lu Zhengchuan said, raising his hand as if to swear an oath.

Su Wan shot him a look, his gesture bringing her no joy. After all, as the saying goes, if men’s promises meant anything, pigs could fly.

"Anyway, whether you want this family or not is your own choice. I won’t pressure you. I know how hard it is to change a person’s way of thinking. Just like it would be incredibly difficult for me if you asked me to stop caring about the fact that you’re always ready to make the ultimate sacrifice."

"But don’t worry, I’ll try to accept it. Just give me time," Su Wan said, considering her words carefully.

"No," Lu Zhengchuan said, refusing her instantly.

Su Wan looked up in confusion. "What?"

"I won’t allow it."

"What won’t you allow?" Su Wan asked, not understanding.

Lu Zhengchuan pursed his lips. "I won’t allow this idea of yours to ’try to accept it’."

Su Wan was baffled. "Why?"

"Why would you accept the idea of me being ready to die for my country? Don’t you care about me at all? Are you planning to just erase me from your heart in the future?" Lu Zhengchuan asked, a hint of anger in his voice.

’How could he possibly be happy at the thought of his wife no longer having a place for him in her heart?’

Su Wan thought he was being absurd. "So what? You want me to keep caring about you? Caring about a man who, in his heart, only sees me as secondary? And then I’m supposed to spend every day sick with worry, and if something really happens to you, I should just commit suicide and follow you to the grave?"

"No! You have to live on."

"Live on? I’d have you in my heart, consumed with longing, but you wouldn’t be in this world anymore. You want me to live in that kind of agony, and you call that ’living on’?"

"So, to spare myself the pain, to stop having any expectations of you, to not burden you so you can make your sacrifice in peace—what’s wrong with me trying not to care about you from now on?"

"Hm?" The sound escaped from her nose, her body trembling with rage.

’She was angry at herself for being so pathetic. So many people loved her; why did she have to force Lu Zhengchuan to care about her?’

’Su Wan felt she had been spoiled by the love of her parents and older brothers, thinking all love had to be perfect and without complaint. But apparently, it wasn’t.’

Su Wan felt a pang of disappointment, but the more she thought, the more her anger subsided.

Lu Zhengchuan anxiously helped her sit down on the edge of the bed.

"Wanwan, don’t get so angry you make yourself sick. It’s all my fault. I’ll change!" Lu Zhengchuan declared with a serious expression.

Su Wan glanced at him and saw the sheer determination in his eyes.

’But looking at a Lu Zhengchuan who was about to change his beliefs and habits, Su Wan felt it wouldn’t last.’

She relented. "You know it’s never been about you sacrificing yourself for the country."

"What I care about is that, even if you do make that sacrifice, in your final moments, you’re thinking of me and the children, not the greater good of the nation. That’s all. I’m not trying to stop you from going on missions. I won’t stop you. I’ll even be proud of you."

Lu Zhengchuan’s eyes instantly reddened. He understood what Su Wan meant.

’She wanted him to always have her and the children in his heart. Although he had a duty to protect his country—that was his mission—it shouldn’t get in the way of him deeply cherishing his family.’

’It shouldn’t be like before, where he wanted a family but was afraid they would get too close to him. So whenever a mission came up, he never refused. Was it for his career?’

’No, he was just using his career to convince himself.’

’In reality, he was afraid. Afraid that if his family grew too close to him, his sacrifice would only cause them more sorrow.’

’It was the same reason he had rarely contacted his aunt’s family after joining the army.’

’Later, when he married Su Wan, he’d never said it, but he had been drawn to her independent nature. He did admire her, but in the beginning, his admiration was mostly for her looks and her academic prowess.’

’So after they got married, he didn’t bring up the topic of her moving to the military base to be with him. He was generous in sending money back every month, hoping she would have a good life.’

’When he saw that she wasn’t, in fact, living well, his selfish desire was for her to truly be his.’

’Only with the status of a married couple could they even have a reason to contact each other from time to time.’

’Later, after Wanwan came to the military base, everything that happened was beyond his control.’

’Just as he’d had selfish motives from the very beginning, he realized a person’s desires are endless.’

’He grew addicted to the wonderfulness of having Wanwan in his life. And on top of that, Wanwan had given him an incredible surprise: she was pregnant with Tuantuan and Yuanyuan.’

"Wanwan, I understand what you mean now." Lu Zhengchuan lowered his gaze, unable to meet her eyes. "I can’t make any promises, but... I’ll start trying today. Okay?"

Su Wan didn’t know if it was because she had been disappointed too many times, or because she simply knew Lu Zhengchuan’s personality too well.

She found she could completely suppress the pang of sorrow that came from his inability to even commit to her compromised request.

"Fine."

Su Wan nodded.

"So, are you willing to move to the family housing on base? I’m going back to the unit next, and I absolutely won’t be going on any missions for a while," Lu Zhengchuan asked gingerly.

"Let’s move," Su Wan said tonelessly. "We have to eventually anyway."

Lu Zhengchuan didn’t dare ask any more questions. He just nodded meekly and followed behind Su Wan. He wanted to hold the children, but both Su Wan and Aunt Zhao stopped him.

"I’m really fine. It’s just a superficial wound, it’ll be fine with a bit of rest. My arm is okay, too, it’s plenty strong." Lu Zhengchuan rolled up his sleeve, showing off his arm muscles, trying to convince the two women.

Su Wan glanced at him but didn’t say a word.

Aunt Zhao pushed him away. "Zheng Chuan, you’re a grown man. Be reasonable. It’s a serious injury. One wrong move could affect your whole body. What if you pull your wound open holding the children? What if it gets infected?"

"I know you love the two children, so wait until your wound is healed before you hold them. For now, just playing with them is fine."

Lu Zhengchuan genuinely felt he was fine. He’d suffered much more serious injuries than this in the past.

The fact that he hadn’t even been hospitalized this time told him all he needed to know.

"Wanwan..."

"Weren’t you the one who wanted to move? Go start packing this afternoon."