Chapter 328: You Simply Laid Into Me

"Henry..." She stepped forward.

He stepped back. "This is hard enough as it is, Livia... I want you to be my queen. There is no doubt of that. None." His hands curled at his sides. "But I cannot handle the way you looked at me last night."

"So... You want me to leave?" she asked.

"No. No. But I will not keep you trapped to marry me," Henry said and walked up to her.

Livia thought he might touch her properly. Pull her into him. Demand that she look at him again and understand what he was trying to do.

Instead, he bent and pressed a kiss to her hair, cruel in its tenderness. Then he turned and started towards the cabin door.

"No," Livia said.

The word was barely louder than the river against the hull, but it stopped him. Henry stood with his back to her.

His shoulders were rigid beneath his cloak, and even in the dim lantern light, she could see the effort it took for him not to turn immediately. Walking away from Livia Valenti required more strength than governing a kingdom.

"No," she said again. "You do not get to do this."

Henry turned. His face was too calm. She hated that he was trying to be noble now, after all the selfishness that had bound them together.

"You cannot seriously go through all you went through," she said, her voice shaking, "put me through all you put me through, and then hope to discard me just like that."

"You think this is discarding you?"

"What else would you call putting me on a boat with gold like some inconvenient mistress being quietly removed before dawn?"

Henry stepped closer, anger and pain rising together in his face. "I would call it releasing you from an arrangement you said trapped you. You chose another man’s words over mine... A man you know would paint me black because of our history. A man who has every reason to hate me. Richard has lost you, and now watches you stand beside me. Did you think he came to you with a saint’s heart?"

"You did not ask yourself the important questions," Henry said. "Or rather, you did not ask him the important questions. You simply laid into me. You heard enough to wound me and used it."

Livia’s eyes filled. "Of whom much is given, Your Majesty, much is expected. You wear the crown...You carry England. You are the man that I love. I never wanted to hear it from Richard...Do you think I wanted that?"

"Then why did you believe him so quickly?"

"Because the whole kingdom knows the tale." Livia swallowed. "The whispers were there long before I knew your name. The king who sacrificed his brothers for the throne. Before I knew who you were, I believed it too. I thought you deserved no mercy from God...I thought you deserved no peace."

"But then I knew you," she whispered. "I saw you. You. I saw the man who loved poetry. I fell in love with you."

"And you took another man’s word over mine."

"Do not pretend that me hearing it from Richard is what annoys you."

"No, I am not annoyed. I am hurt." He struck his own chest with his fist, hard enough to startle her. "Do you not understand that? I am hurt. Not because I do not acknowledge what I did. I do. I fucking do." His breath shook. "I have lived with it."

Livia’s tears slipped down her cheeks.

"I am not hurt because you questioned me," he said. "But you looked at me and thought you could not marry me for something I had no control over."

The boat shifted gently beneath them.

Henry’s voice lowered. "I am guilty of silence. Of becoming king after they died and not tearing the realm apart to prove what my mother had done. That guilt is mine. I will not deny it. But I did not kill them, Livia." His face twisted. "And last night, you looked at me as if I had."

"I..." Her voice trembled. "I... "

"And that judgment in your eyes," Henry said quietly, "is what I do not want you to live with. Go, Livia,"

"No." Her answer came at once. "Just talk to me. Let me hear you speak. Let me hear your side."

Henry looked at her for a long moment. Then he walked calmly towards her. "Very well...Let me give you another strong reason to take this boat and run for your life. My mind is broken."

she did not understand the words. "What?"

"I am mad."

"What do you mean?" Livia asked quietly.

"It means exactly what I said. I wanted to tell you after the ball," he said. "I was going to tell you that the man you had agreed to marry is unfit inside his own head. You should know the whole inventory before you decide whether to keep the purchase. I have episodes...The sort where I am not myself."

"I lose hold of myself. Stephen and the physician have hidden it for years."

Livia’s heart began to beat faster. "You are not mad...I would know."

"I only just found out too," Henry said.

Livia shook her head slowly. "No."

"Now that you would not want to marry a murderer, I do not think you should marry a madman either." Henry stepped back. "Stay on this boat...Go find yourself in whatever part of the world you want." He turned and walked out.

Livia remained where she stood. Stunned was too small a word. Shocked too simple. There were no proper words for what she felt. The sentence Henry is mad did not know how to live inside her mind. She remembered Stephen’s voice: bad night.

Was that what he had meant?

"My lady?" Lionel’s voice came from behind her.

Livia whipped around to look at Lionel. "Yes?"

"The king has left," Lionel said. "Shall we wait until morning so you have time to decide?"