Chapter 163 — Not Meant To Be

Yuki

As I stared at the half-naked girl in my old room in the old school house, I felt a headache beginning to form.

It was my fault for bringing Xenovia to a bedroom alone and not telling her why, but she didn’t have to assume I wanted to sleep with her.

I looked down at the box in my hands and reminded myself why I had brought her to this room.

I wanted to talk to her about whatever had been bothering her during Irina’s explanation. 

Xenovia was the type of person who didn’t show much emotional pain.

I hadn’t known her as long as the others, but I knew she was a tough and resilient person.

To see her acting off was worrying.

It had been small, but the way she had looked at Irina when she revealed her Angel wings, and how she sounded when Issei mentioned Irina using Michael-sama as the new pillar of her faith, worried me.

So I decided to bring her here to talk and see if she would open up about it.

I stared at her while she stood in her bra, with her shirt still in her hand.

I shook my head.

“What?” She repeated, tilting her head slightly.

“I didn’t bring you here to have sex, Xenovia-san. Like I told Koneko-chan, I wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh,” she said, slowly nodding. “I thought we would be doing both when I saw you going over to the bed.”

I stared at her for a moment.

“Put your shirt on,” I said with a sigh.

Xenovia shrugged before putting her shirt back on.

I forced myself to ignore how it made her breasts jiggle as she buttoned her top.

I moved and sat on the bed, placing the wooden box in my hands next to me.

I opened the cover, revealing a chessboard and chess pieces inside.

“I figured that we could play a game or two of chess as we spoke. Plus it’s been a while since we’ve played a game together,” I said, gesturing to the space on the bed across the chessboard from me. “I’d like to see if you’ve improved during your games against Yuuto-san.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Xenovia said, moving to sit down on the bed. “It will allow me to practice while we talk.”

We set up the board, and I let Xenovia play as white, as it was her preference.

“We won’t use timers for our turns. I don’t want it to detract from the conversation,” I said.

Xenovia hummed in agreement.

She moved the pawn in front of her queen forward two spaces. 

That was fairly standard for her.

She liked to play aggressively and directly.

It was very much like her.

“So what did you want to speak to me about?” She said as she placed her pawn down.

I moved the pawn in front of my king-side bishop forward a space.

I figured that there was no use in subtlety or hesitation as I was dealing with Xenovia.

So I said it plainly.

“I noticed something was bothering you after Irina showed us her Angel wings.”

Xenovia frowned as she went to move her queen-side knight. 

She let out a breath.

“Seeing Irina again and then seeing her wings made me think about things. It made me realize again that I have been rash.”

I moved my king-side knight forward.

“You mean about becoming a Devil?” I asked.

She moved the pawn in front of her queen. 

“Yes. After being excommunicated from the Church after learning about God’s death from Kokabiel, I turned to Rias rather quickly.” Her eyes were a bit more distant and not as focused on the game now. “I had just had my world broken apart. The instruction that raised and trained me threw me away, and I had learned that our Lord, the center of my faith and life, is gone. He had been gone long before I was born.”

I looked at her closely.

The distant look in her eyes seemed lost, like even after she had come to Rias for a place to belong, she still didn’t truly know if she had found her new place in life. 

I moved another pawn forward.

“Your decision to become a Devil may have been quick, but I don't necessarily think it was a wrong one. As you said, your whole world was turned over in a moment, and you were left alone without direction or anyone else you could turn to. You turned to someone you knew, if only a little, someone you had fought beside, and took a hand that was offered to you. Rias-Buchou didn’t ask for your soul or for you to give up your faith. She saw an opportunity for you to both benefit from the arrangement when she made the deal with you.”

Xenovia was silent for a moment before moving a pawn and taking one of mine. 

“I am just… uncertain if my choice was one that I should have made. There are times when I realize that I didn’t think any further than finding somewhere to go,” she said, then continued more quietly. “I sometimes wonder if this life is one that I should be living.”

I frowned at her.

“Xenovia-san, what is actually different now that you are a Devil, versus when you were a member of the church?” I asked as I moved a bishop to take a pawn. 

Xenovia scowled at the board and moved her other knight forward aggressively.

“I’ve become one of the creatures that is the main enemy of the Church. The same creature that I used to destroy.z as”

“The same Church that excommunicated you rather than explain things or figure something out. And we made peace with Heaven shortly after you joined, so you were only the Church’s enemy for a very short time,” I replied.

“I turned my back on my faith. I can’t pray anymore or enter holy sites.” She shot back.

We were each moving pieces as we spoke.

Xenovia was playing more aggressively than normal, and I was setting up simple traps for her to fall into.

“You weren’t made to renounce your beliefs when you became a Devil. You’re still allowed to worship and pray. Michael-sama even removed the damaging effect that prayer has on Devils for you and Asia. I’m sure that it’s only a matter of time before the Church finds a way to allow Devils into areas we wouldn’t be able to go otherwise,” I said, taking another of her pieces. 

“My only goal now is to have a child and become a mother, and that’s something I could have done without becoming a Devil.”

Xenovia took one of my rooks with her queen.

“And that’s a fine goal, Xenovia-san. You’re right. Being a Devil wasn’t necessary to achieve it, but it will give you a lot more time to do so. And you’ll have time to come up with new goals and dreams. But those are all things that could have been bothering you before. What about today was different?”

I took her queen with a knight as I spoke.

She stared at the board.

I had taken most of her pieces.

She only had her King, a rook, and a knight left on her side.

Though she did still have four pawns.

My side of the board was the opposite.

I had my king, queen, a bishop, and a rook, but only one pawn. 

Her pawns and rook were still on her side of the board, defending her king, while her knight was near the center of the board, ready to threaten my side.

My king was guarded by a rook, and my other pieces were positioned to attack her defenses around her king.

My last pawn was pushing forward to promote while being guarded by my rook.

We had both played sloppily as we were more focused on the conversation, and it showed on the board. 

Xenovia finally looked up at me, and her expression cracked as I saw pain in her eyes.

“When I saw Irina, I thought that it could have been me. If I had waited and believed and prayed for a path forward, I might have been allowed back into the Church and been given the chance to become an Angel like her,” Xenovia’s voice broke as she spoke. “Instead, I’m here, a Devil, a creature of depravity and sin.”

I put down the piece I was holding.

“...Xenovia, you couldn’t have known that our factions would make peace and the Brave Saint system would be created. You made the best choice you could with what you knew at the time,” I said gently.

“But if I had prayed more and believed that there was still a plan for me, then I could have been accepted back into the Church!” Xenovia said with tears forming in her eyes. “They could have taken me back after the Brave Saint system was created and allowed me to serve one of the Seraphim alongside Irina! I could have served Michael-sama or Gabriel-sama or Uriel-sama!” She paused to take a breath. “I appreciate everything Rias has done for me, and I care for you and the other members of the peerage, but seeing Irina achieve the dream of every believer and getting to become an Angel of Heaven left a hollow feeling in my chest…”

Xenovia clutched the sides of her skirt tightly as she fought back tears.

I moved the chessboard away and set it on the nightstand next to the bed.

I shifted closer to Xenovia and took one of her hands in mine.

She looked up at me.

This was the most distraught I had ever seen her since she had learned of God’s death from Kokabiel.

She was a strong person, but she had been bottling this up for a long time.

Learning of Irina becoming a Brave Saint had been enough to push her past her breaking point.

Even if she was happy for her friends, it brought her regret of becoming a Devil to the forefront of her mind.

“I'm sorry, but it simply wasn’t in the cards for you, Xenovia-san,” I said softly as I held her hand. “I think that perhaps, in another life, you would have become an Angel alongside Irina. But that’s not the life you ended up with. Instead, you became a Devil and are here, with us. And I think that both of those lives would have meaning and be ones you could be proud of,” I squeezed her hand as I looked into her eyes. “You’re a Devil,l but you wield a holy sword. One that none other in the Church can. You will fight alongside Angels to protect the innocent from monsters, and maybe one day you may be welcomed into Heaven by the Seraphim."

She gave me a sceptical look.

“They’ve already allowed two Devils to pray freely. Who’s to say even more won’t change as the alliance between the Underworld and Heaven grows,” I said with a shrug. “Plus, if the Angels will be participating in Rating Games against the Devils, there is a chance some of those games will be in Heaven.”

Xenovia let out a weak chuckle.

“You may be right. Maybe we will be given access to Heaven one day… It’s just... hard to see a life that I could have had if I made one different choice. If I had stopped and thought longer, and changed my mind instead of accepting Rias offer.”

“I’m not trying to convince you that it won’t be painful to think of what could have been. But I think that living a life where you can’t let that go isn’t really living. You made your decision already, Xenovia-san. You can stay stuck in the past. You chose to become a Devil, and I, for one, am happy that you made that choice.” I gave her a small smile. “If you ask any of the others, they would say the same. You’re our friend and our comrade, Xenovia-san. This peerage would not be the same without you. It would be worse off in your absence.”

Xenovia looked down at our clasped hands. 

“I want to try and move past this, but I don't know if my goal of motherhood is enough to push me forward in my new life,” she said with a bitter smile. “God and the Church were my pillars. It is hard to find something meaningful enough to replace that core piece of my life.”

“I think that your initial goal is a good start, but I don’t think you need to throw away the ideals of the church you believed in. You can still spread your faith. You can act in the Church's interests even if you’re now outside it. You can protect the weak and give to the poor. And outside of that there’s plenty to focus on in life,” I let go of her hand after giving it another squeeze. “Art, music, swordsmanship, friends, and family any and all of that can be your focus in life. You can even try to find the one you’ll spend your life with, not just the father of your child. You can do whatever you’d like, Xenovia-san. You can still bring plenty of good to the world, even as a Devil.”

Xenovia was quiet for a few seconds.

“I spent so long thinking of what I had lost and left behind, and hadn’t been trying to look at it as how I move forward or try to regain those things… I will still need more time, but this helped me, Yuki. Thank you for being there for me.”

She moved forward and hugged me.

I was surprised that she would show that kind of affection.

It took me a second to hug her back.

We sat hugging on the bed for a while.

Then Xenovia pulled back and wiped her eyes once before smiling at me. 

“This was good. Thank you again, even if we did not get to practice making a child.”

I gave her a look.

“Really? If you’re able to make a joke right after that, then I guess our talk did help.”

I glanced at the clock.

“We should get going, Xenovia-san. We weren’t here long, but the others are probably already at Issei-san’s house,” I said.

Xenovia nodded.

She headed for the door, and I followed.

I looked back at the chessboard on the nightstand as she opened the door.

I could see how Xenovia’s knight on the board could be compared to herself.

It was pushing forward alone despite the rest of the pieces sitting back defensively.

It would likely end up being taken off the board, but she moved it forward regardless.

I glanced at my pawn that was about to promote.

I stared at the pawn a moment longer, then I nodded to myself and followed Xenovia out of the room.

We walked through the building quietly.

As we approached the front doors of the old school building, Xenovia spoke.

“If you’d like, you can just call me by my first name,” she said.

I blinked.

“What?”

She stopped and looked at me.

“I don’t really use or care for honorifics. So if you want to refer to me without one, it would be fine. I call you Yuki, so it would be fair for you to do the same. Most of the others just use my first name too.”

I paused before responding.

“If that’s what you prefer, then that is how I’ll refer to you from now on, Xenovia.”

She gave a single nod and then continued walking.

I followed after her, and we exited the old schoolhouse to head home.

_______

Koneko

I hadn’t meant to eavesdrop on their conversation.

I had gone to see if Yuki-senpai wanted to walk back together to Issei-senpai’s house.

I had seen her head further into the old school building instead of leaving. 

So after I finished my portion of cleaning up from the welcoming party, I went looking for her and Xenovia-senpai.

I used my Senjutsu to detect their spirits and found that they were still on the second floor of the old school building. 

In Yuki-senpai’s old room.

I made my way to them, and as I approached the room, I heard Xenovia-senpai’s voice from inside.

“— after the Brave Saint system was created and allowed me to serve one of the Seraphim alongside Irina!”

I stopped approaching the room.

I had never heard Xenovia-senpai sound like that.

There was none of the blunt and casual tone she normally had.

Her voice sounded raw, like she was close to tears.

This must have been what Yuki-senpai had wanted to talk to her about.

Xenovia-senpai didn’t hide her mixed feelings about becoming a Devil.

But I didn’t know that she had been hiding this much from us.

Yuki-senpai must have noticed.

She was extremely observant when it came to pain and emotional distress with everyone in the peerage.

Romantic interest, on the other hand, she was as bad as Issei-senpai.

I didn’t believe that she was as dense as him, so either she ignored it or didn’t comprehend it for some reason.

But that was beside the point.

“I'm sorry, but it simply wasn’t in the cards for you, Xenovia-san,” Yuki-senpai said in a gentle tone.

As she continued, I decided that this conversation should be between the two of them.

I had been slightly worried when I realized they had gone to a bedroom, but I should have known that Yuki-senpai meant it when she said they were going to talk.

I had only just decided to try and pursue her, and I was already getting jealous despite knowing that anything between us would take a while to move forward.

I pushed myself off the wall next to the door where I had stopped and quietly left them to finish their conversation.

I would wait outside the exit for them, so that I could walk home with Yuki-senpai.

I sat on the bench outside the front door of the old school building and enjoyed the evening sun.

Summer break had ended not long ago, and it was already showing the first signs of getting colder.

I didn’t have to wait very long before the door opened and Yuki-senpai and Xenovia-senpai stepped out.

I stood and moved over to them.

“Hello, Koneko-chan,” Yuki-senpai said. “You didn’t have to wait for us. 

“…It’s fine. I wanted to walk back with you.”

“Let us head home then,” Xenovia-senpai said as she started to walk. 

Yuki-senpai and I followed, and the three of us walked towards the school’s gate. 

“…So did your talk go well?” I asked.

“Yes, Yuki helped me talk through some things that had been weighing on my mind. I feel a bit better about it now.” Xenovia-senpai said without looking away from our path.

“I just wanted to make sure everything was alright. I know that sometimes you just need someone to listen to you or someone who can relate to your issues,” Yuki-senpai said casually. “I’m glad I was able to help you, Xenovia.”

I raised an eyebrow at her more casual address of Xenovia-senpai.

She noticed my look.

“Xenovia asked me to refer to her that way. I didn’t see an issue with it, so I’ll call her how she’d like from now on.”

I glanced at Xenovia-senpai before looking back at Yuki-senpai.

“…Would you change what you called me if I asked?”

“Of course,” Yuki-senpai immediately replied.

I mulled it over for a moment.

“Okay,” I replied.

Yuki-senpai nodded in response, and we continued in silence.

Then, as we approached a vending machine on a street corner, Yuki-senpai looked at Xenovia-senpai and me.

“Would either of you like a drink?”

“I’ll have a canned coffee,” Xenovia-senpai replied before I could say anything.

I glanced at her before letting out a small sigh.

“…I’ll have a juice.”

Yuki-senpai nodded and then turned to walk over to the vending machine.

“So your talk with Yuki-senpai helped?” I asked Xenovia-senpai.

She nodded.

“It did. I don’t think I’m completely fine yet, but I’m better. She mentioned some things that I could focus on in my new life as a Devi,l and I’ve been thinking about them.”

“So your goal is no longer to be a mother?”

“It still is. But now I’m thinking of other goals that I could have besides that. There was one in particular that sounded promising.”

I followed Xenovia-senpai’s gaze and saw Yuki-senpai's skirt ride up her legs as she bent over.

I looked back to Xenovia-senpai with a small glare.

Before I could say anything else, Yuki-senpai made it back to us.

“Here you are. What were you talking about?” She asked.

“Just about my conversation with you,” Xenovia-senpai replied.

“Alright then. Let’s continue home.”

The two of them started to walk again.

I watched Xenovia-senpai for a moment before sighing and joining them.

This wasn’t going to make things any easier for me.