Chapter 418: What Have I Lost?

Rhydian;

My eyes snap open with a scream lodged somewhere between my lungs and my throat.

I jolt upright so violently that the blanket tangled around my legs tears free and lands somewhere beside the dying campfire.

I can’t breathe. There’s this heaviness in my chest that makes every drag of air feel like...labour.

My chest tightens so hard that it feels like my heart might erupt.

Something feels wrong... Deeply wrong.

Sweat and goosebumps cover my skin despite the cool night air wafting through the towering trees around us.

My vision blurs suddenly, and I grip my chest immediately.

What... What is this? Why am I—?

"Rhydian?!" Igma’s voice slices through the darkness.

I barely process the sound of her scrambling awake before steel sings through the air.

Her sword.

I turn to look at her and find that she is already on her feet. Already scanning the forest.

...Already placing herself between me and the shadows.

"What happened?" she demands, as her blue eyes dart through the trees.

"Where are they?" She pushes, and I just blink at her.

She woke up, saw the state I was in, and rushed to put herself between me and the threats. Without asking a single question.

Her grip tightens around the hilt of a sword as she looks back at me.

"You screamed." She notes, but I just stare at her.

How do I explain what I don’t understand?

I woke up with this...horrible feeling in my chest. It’s overwhelming. It’s sickening. And still, I can’t put it to words.

Under the moonlight, I look back down at my hands, and my heart skips.

They’re trembling. Shaking like they never have before.

Igma slowly turns back to me fully. She takes in my state properly, and confusion replaces the alertness on her face.

"...Rhydian?" She calls, but I don’t answer. Because I can’t.

Something...Something is terribly wrong.

My breathing refuses to ease. The harder I try to calm myself, the tighter my chest becomes.

Like something inside me is breaking open, releasing sorrow into every bit of my existence,

Igma kneels in front of me, and I look at her. Her sword remains in one hand while the other reaches toward my face.

"Are you okay?" She whispers with worry in her blue eyes, and slowly, I feel my entire body begging to tremble as well.

More tears spill from my eyes without my consent, and every coherent thought escapes my mind.

All I feel is sorrow... and panic.

She tries to reach for me, but I slap her hand away.

"Don’t!" My wolf growls beneath my voice, and she freezes.

"...What’s wrong?" She whispers, but I can’t make words.

"I..."

The words refuse to come.

I don’t know what’s going on. Light help me...I don’t know.

"I don’t..." My voice sounds strange. Weak in places it’s never been in years!

"I don’t know." I manage to croak out, and Igma’s brows knit together.

"You had a nightmare?" She probes in helpless confusion, and I swallow.

Did I?

I search my memory desperately, but I can’t remember anything.

The disorganised emotions continue to rip through me, and I can’t stop the tears now. The more I wipe them off, the more tears fall.

My hands find my hair, and I sink my fingers into it. I grip it so tightly my scalp burns. But I can’t stop.

"I can’t remember." I breathe through the rising panic, and Igma drops her sword completely as she stares at me.

She studies me carefully, and the scrutiny only makes me feel smaller.

I’ve known her almost my entire life. She knows when I’m lying. She knows when I’m hiding something.

And right now... I know she can clearly see that I have absolutely no idea what is happening to me.

She moves closer again. More cautiously this time.

"Talk to me." She whispers, and I swallow.

"I..." I try.

I take another breath. Another painful one.

"My chest..." I whimper as my fingers press harder against my heart.

"It hurts," I whisper, and she immediately looks around again. Her wolf instincts take over.

"Is something coming?"

"I don’t know."

"Can you sense anything?"

"I–I can’t."

"Is it...magic?" She pushes, and I lose it.

"I don’t know!" The words explode out of me before I can stop them.

Silence crashes over the campsite after that. Igma doesn’t react. She doesn’t become offended.

She simply watches me, with more worry in her eyes.

"...I’m sorry." I force out through my closing throat, and she shakes her head.

"Forget that."

She reaches for me again. This time, I don’t move away.

She wipes the sweat from my forehead with the sleeve of her cloak.

"Slow your breathing." She says softly, and I hold her gaze.

I try. Light knows I try. But every breath only makes the pressure inside my chest worse.

As though something is pulling. Something...Important.

And then, all of a sudden. It’s...Gone.

A strange sound escapes me. A strange mixture of a whimper and a gasp.

Igma hears it, and her eyes widen.

"What is it?"

I shake my head violently.

"I don’t know." My voice cracks with the confession.

"I don’t know," I repeat as I feel the pressure inside my chest grow.

A tear lands on my hand, and I stare down at my dark skin.

More drops fall from my eyes, and I stare at them in confusion.

...Why am I crying?

Igma’s expression changes when I look up at her.

She has seen me angry. She has seen me wounded...She has even seen me grieving.

But she has never...

Never...seen me cry without understanding why.

"Rhydian..."

Something inside me snaps. Blocking out her voice as I double over, clutching my chest.

"It hurts." I groan, and just then, the pain flares.

"It hurts!!" I scream, and I sense Igma’s growing panic.

"Where?" She demands in worry.

I press harder against my heart as I look at her.

"Here."

She immediately reaches for my wrist. Searching for injuries. Bruises, poisonm, anything.

She finds nothing. Nothing except my pulse racing beneath my skin.

I close my eyes. Trying desperately to understand. To make sense of the overwhelming dread swallowing me whole.

Just then...A thought crashes into my mind.

Something happened.

I don’t know why I think it. I don’t know where the certainty comes from...But I know it.

Something happened. Something terrible.

I look at Igma. Wide-eyed, with my breathing completely uneven.

"...Something happened," I whisper, and she blinks.

"...What?"

"I don’t know...But something happened." I reply, as another tear slides down my face.

The air around me suddenly feels colder, and Igma slowly rises to her feet.

Her eyes sweep across the trees once more. Across the mountains in the distance. Toward vally we are just a little distance away from.

Jagged Valley.

"Is it Jagged Valley?" She questions, and I look beyond the trees around us. At the ominous valley just laying ahead.

"I don’t know." I confess weakly.

My answer remains the same because I honestly do not know what is going on.

This isn’t fear. I’ve been afraid before. This isn’t panic either. I know panic.

This...This feels like... Loss.

Only...I don’t know what I’ve lost.

I grip handfuls of my hair, trying to anchor myself. Trying to stop the unbearable ache blooming inside my chest.

"It feels..." I swallow hard. "It feels like..." I can bearly find the words, so I stop for a moment to gather my thoughts.

"It feels...empty." I manage to whisper, and Igma kneels in front of me again.

This time...She simply wraps both arms around me.

Not tightly, or forcefully... Just enough. Enough for me to know I’m not alone.

"It’s alright." She whispers, but I shake my head in negation.

"No. It’s not." I counter, and she sighs.

"It will be." She replies, and I fall silent as I bury my face in her shoulder.

How can grief feel this raw when you have no idea what you’ve lost?

"...Something is missing." The words leave my lips so quietly that I almost don’t hear them myself.

Something...Is missing I can feel it.

Without warning, my entire body locks. Every muscle, every bone...every instinct.

Suddenly all I can feel is my wolf. He isn’t merely restless anymore. He’s screaming now. Not with words, but with grief.

Even he can feel it!!

A growl rumbles deep inside my chest, and immediately, my bones begin to burn.

Igma pulls away as her eyes widen.

I can’t stop it. I don’t want to.

I shift, and my wolf surges forward with a desperation I’ve never experienced before.

This isn’t rage. It’s not battle instinct, or bloodlust.

It’s grief. Pure...Unfiltered...Animalistic grief.

My body drops to all fours as grey fur bursts across my skin as my wolf tears free with frightening urgency.

He doesn’t even wait for permission. The moment my paws hit the earth, my head snaps toward the moon.

The grief inside me explodes.

A howl rips out of my throat. It isn’t controlled...or deliberate. It’s simply... pain given a voice.

The sound tears through the sleeping forest, echoing between the towering trees before disappearing into the mountains beyond.

Another howl follows. Longer, broken...Raw.

I can’t stop. I don’t even know why I’m crying. I don’t know why every instinct inside me screams that something precious has been taken from me.

I don’t know why my chest feels as though someone reached inside and tore out half of my soul.

I only know—It hurts. It hurts so much.

The moon above blurs behind tears gathering in my eyes. They slip silently down my muzzle.

I have never cried in this form before. Never.

Yet tonight...I cannot stop.

Another mournful cry escapes me, and the forest answers with silence.

Everything listens. Everything mourns. Everything...

And still... I don’t know what I’m mourning.

What have I lost to break this way??