Heart of Darkness

Both Skender and the destroyer weren’t sure where they were going. They had escaped their grandmother and kept looking behind their backs in fear she would find them again. They had a hard time finding their way back.

“Maybe you are not ready to go back yet.” The destroyer said.

“And who do I have to blame?”

“You can’t blame yourself.” The destroyer decided to be the teaser this time.

He had told him what happened between him and Roxana as they walked in circles. Skender wasn’t sure how he felt about the mess the destroyer made. He couldn’t be angry about progress. He had expected worse to await him.

The way the destroyer behaved also made him thoughtful. He knew he would come looking for him but he didn’t expect the self-restraint and patience he had shown. He was beginning to put some pieces together.

“You said, you can’t love her. Are you sure?” Skender asked.

“Yes.” The destroyer replied but he didn’t take time to think.

“But you are here, to bring me back because that is what she wanted.”

“Maybe it isn’t just about what she wanted.” The destroyer admitted. “I wanted to.”

“We can’t want what we don’t know. That is why I felt empty after knowing of your existence. Before that, I didn’t know what I was missing.”

“What are you trying to say?” The destroyer asked impatiently.

“You know the feeling of loving her from when we were united and I believe a bit of the feeling stayed with you and many other feelings I have, or you wouldn’t control yourself and be here.”

“You say I have emotions now?”

“You never lacked emotions. Urges come from emotions and sometimes evoke emotions in us. You just lacked emotions that require patience and control. Emotions that arise from reasoning and selflessness not only from needs. Love is patient. Selfless.”

The destroyer frowned. “You are saying I am selfless now?”

“You are more and more what I am. Being united for a while has made us blend so when we separate we take a part of the other with us. That is also why separation becomes more difficult. We feel the other part. We miss it.” He turned to the destroyer. “Uniting is not what we need. We have already been united. What we need to truly become one is the inability to separate. We should become inseparable.”

“Like other demons.” The destroyer said.

“Yes. Like the way, we were born. The way we should be. Our complete selves.”

The destroyer sighed. “I guess it is not enough to unite then. Won’t the blending take time?”

“It will but it can be faster or slower depending on what we truly desire.”

“Do you truly desire to become complete? I am your bad emotions. Your selfishness, your impatience, your impulses.”

“I guess I need some of it. I need to be selfish and impatient more often.”

“Just a little more often.” The destroyer corrected.

Skender chuckled. “Are you worried I will turn bad?”

The destroyer scoffed. “You think you are a saint? You are already worse than you think. I am not always the one making you do bad things.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Do you think I was the only one who enjoyed killing Henrik?”

Skender stiffened.

“You enjoyed it too and you felt no regret or guilt after. Even with your shady friend. You didn’t want him dead, but you surely thought he deserved the little drowning.”

Skender sighed and put his hands in his pockets. “You are right. I did enjoy it.” He had no regret with Henrik because the man had no regret and with Lazarus, well, everyone would know to not play games with his mate. “What else did I do?”

“You like to play cruel games.”

“Cruel games?” Now he was curious.

“With Roxana. Isn’t that why she wanted to punch you?”

Skender laughed. “Oh. You are funny. Wasn’t she playing games too?”

“She was lying.” He said flat out. “She is a good liar.”

“And I lied back.”

“So you are no saint.”

“I never said I was.”

“You are vengeful too. You are more like me than you think.”

Why was he suddenly attacking him?

“I am you.” He shrugged.

“That is a unique way to blame things on me again.”

Skender shook his head. “There is no you or me.”

Which made all of this crazy. He was arguing with himself.

“Where are we going?” The destroyer asked frustrated. “We just came back to the same place. You need to think Skender. You need to want to go back! Think of Roxana.”

Skender tried to think of her. She was left confused but somehow he wasn’t worried. He felt nothing. He was still numb from the repeated pain.

“What is wrong?”

“Nothing,” Skender said disturbed by the empty feeling in his heart. “It is not working.”

“Think of something more.”

“Like what?”

“Like mating with her. Having your teeth in her neck and having her naked in your arms. Just anything that makes you burn.”

Burn? He only felt cold right now. Being here had done something to him and the destroyer frowned as he watched.

“Don’t tell me…” He began fearfully. Then he took a deep breath. “There is one thing I haven’t told you yet. I kissed her.”

“You did what?”

“She didn’t like it.”

Skender was suddenly less cold, his temperature slowly rising. “And you decided to keep that a secret?”

“I thought it would be a fun fact once we got back.”

“Have you thought of how she might be feeling right now?!”

“No! You do the thinking. Remember?”

Skender punched him in the face, then he got surprised it worked. He just punched himself.

The destroyer was surprised too. “How could you do that?” He asked holding his cheek.

“I guess, I can do what I want inside my mind. It is the world I build anyway.”

“More reasons to leave then.”

Sure. He would just punch him one more time while he could.