Heart of Darkness

Roxana felt weak in the knees as she went to the ship. So much weight was lifted off her shoulders and the constant fear had left her chest. But her head was filled with thoughts and questions, that she couldn’t handle thinking about right now. One more thing and she might lose consciousness from the load of new things that happened. Did she just come back from the door of death?

She walked inside, through the entrance that had no door at the moment because Ulric broke it. She just wanted to cry again, but instead, she continued inside and took off the coat. Walking further into her cabin, she ignored the mess that Ulric created. She couldn’t deal with it right now.

Roxana eased into her mattress, sleeping among the little furniture she had that was now destroyed. She was back in her home. She didn’t die. Clutching onto the coat she let the tears fall again, this time without holding back until she cried herself to sleep.

“Roxana! Roxana!” Fanny’s hysterical call tore her out of her sleep.

Roxana opened her eyes with a groan. Squinting she looked through the broken door and saw Fanny looking around thier home with horror. She pushed herself up from the mattress and sat down.

“I am fine,” She called and then yawned.

He stepped over the broken furniture and came to her. “What happened?”

Ugh, if she explained then she would cry again and her head was already throbbing in pain. Her eyelids were so swollen, that it was hard to keep them open.

“Ulric was here.” She said knowing Fanny wouldn’t let this go.

“And?”

“He found out that I was a guard and took me to the castle and exposed my disguise to the king and then the king said he already knew and then let me go home.” She said without pausing. “Yes, AND he kept Ulric and his men to be punished.”

Did she include everything? No. Then the king took her to his room, tended to her wounds, held her in his arms to comfort her, and then sent her home with a guard, his coat, and a carriage.

Fanny blinked several times before he could speak. “The king knows you are a woman now?”

She nodded.

“What has happened here?” A worried uncle Ben had come to their home. He was surprised to find the mess they were in. “Are you two alright?” He said coming over quickly.

“The king found out she is a woman,” Fanny said upset. “You could have died. It is my fault. Now you will listen to me. We are leaving this place. No more risking your life.” He said and went to the small chest in her room to pack her clothes. He was agitated, shaken as he walked around, just throwing anything and everything in the chest.

Roxana and uncle Ben watched him in silence for a moment. “Why are staring? Help me!” He told her. “We are leaving.”

“I can’t go,” Roxana told him, calmly.

He stopped and turned around, his eyes burning with anger.  “What? You want to dig another grave? I almost lost you today!”

“I know. I am sorry, but I can’t go.”

His hand clenched around the shirt he was holding.

“Alright. Why don’t we talk before making decisions.” Uncle Ben suggested. “Come. I have brought rice and grilled fish.”

Roxana followed Uncle Ben to help him serve while Fanny still paced in her room.

“He is angry for good reasons.” Uncle Ben said.

“I know.”

“It is a miracle you survived. Why did the king let you go?”

“I-I am not sure.” She said remembering their kiss.

He knew she was a woman when he kissed her? She dropped the plates in her hands. Uncle Ben looked at her surprised. “Are you alright?”

“Yes.” She said hurrying to pick them up. How long had he known? How long did she look like a fool to him? Did he perhaps not expose her to have fun at her expense? She remembered all the time he had teased her and… and she slept in his tent. And everyone knew! Oh lord! How could he do that to her?!

Was it his way of paying her back for her deception? Maybe he did it thinking she would look back one day and realize that the deceiver had been deceived all this time.

Alright. Her hold tightened around the plates. You win stupid cruel king! How smart of you. Ughh. For the first time, she wished to kick him instead of kiss him. But he was the king. That would probably never happen. Unless… she challenged him for a fight. Surely he would not decline and she would find an excuse to at least land a punch. If she was lucky. She had seen that he was a skilled fighter.

“Perhaps he fancies you.” Uncle Ben said.

That would explain some things.

“I see he even lent you his coat.” He continued.

That she wished to return with holes.

Fanny joined them, curious by what he was hearing.

“How did it happen?” Uncle Ben asked and Roxana knew she would have to tell the whole story sooner or later. They sat on the floor to eat and she told them what happened in detail.

Retelling the event made her see things she hadn’t paid attention to at first. The words he had used echoed in her mind. ‘My guard’, ‘what is mine’. Mine? What a strange way to put it? Her heart skipped.

“He lied for you,” Fanny said.

“And changed the rules.” Uncle Ben added.

The two men looked at each other.

“What?” She asked.

“I already said it.” Uncle Ben shrugged. “The king fancies you.”

He seemed happy about it but Fanny looked worried. “As long as he doesn’t use his position to… force you into something.”

“He is not like that.” She said.

“Then does he plan to court you and treat you decently?”

“Fanny?! I don’t expect him to do that. He is a king. He will probably choose someone more fitting.” She told him.

“Then he should stop misleading you.”

“He is not.”

“Then why do you want to stay?”

“Because… it is the least I can do. He changed the rules and made a big decision in front of his men. If I don’t show up, how will that make him look?”

Fanny sighed. “I just… I hope that he is genuine because you are stupid right now, thinking that you can just be a guard to the man you have feelings for.”

“I don’t! I respect him. Admire him…”

“Add desire him. What will that be?”

“It doesn’t matter!” She bit off then took a deep breath to calm down. “You said to change my life. Maybe this is the time. The salary is good and I really like staying here. I have been heartbroken to leave but now… now I got another chance. I got a chance to stay where I like to be and do something that feels meaningful. I will work double shifts if I have to and save money to find my family. Also, now being the king’s guard, no one will harm us. Will I ever get a chance like this if we escape?”

Fanny looked at her saddened.

“Don’t worry about my feelings.”

Fanny wasn’t convinced.

“And you know I wouldn’t let anyone take advantage of me.”

“I need to see this King.” He said picking up his spoon.

Roxana smiled. He had valid worries. Being favored by the king without being compatible was bad because then you would become…, a mistress was the polite term and she didn’t want to be one.

“Perhaps the king will change a few more rules.” Uncle Ben smiled to himself.

“Perhaps.” She said not wanting to deny it nor hope for it. Right now she would just try to stay out of trouble so she could be with the people she loved and one day see her family.

************

“Your Majesty. I am afraid allowing women to become guards will have a bad impression on the people and our enemies. Our defenses will become a laughing stock.” A courtier spoke his concern.

Skender had been waiting for this and tried not to sigh with boredom during the meeting.

“People will get used to it and for our enemies, it will be a surprise,” Skender said.

“What is the reason you are doing this, Your Majesty?”

Because I am charmed. Spellbound. Stupid, he replied in his head.

“Well, I hate to admit it but the truth is I was drunk and gambling.” It wasn’t a lie. He was intoxicated by her scent and gambling with his heart. “Now this woman appeared in front of me saying that she was going to protect me.” He shrugged and they laughed. “What was I supposed to do?”

What was he doing now? Maybe he was still intoxicated from last night. Or maybe Roxana had smitten him with her ways. He had already lied more than usual.

He was upsetting some courtiers but with change, it was bound to happen. They were not going to reform to new ideas so easily.

“You want to cause an uproar, Skender?” Blayze asked when they were alone.

“I am delighted to tell you that not everyone roars at the simplest of issues.”

“It is only a simple issue to you because it involves what you want.”

“You would be mutilated and in a state of endless healing if I did what I want every time.”

Blayze scoffed. “Thank god you have so much self-control then.” He mocked.

Yes, thank God because he was sure the day he let go Blayze would be left wondering if he was ever punished in the first place.

He rose from his seat with a sigh and left the room. So much punishment in his head. Lazarus had still not come back and Skender didn’t care to look for him. He should dread the outcome for a while before receiving his punishment. And Lucrezia… well the punisher would be punished by the one she punishes. He liked the sound of it.

“Good morning, Your Majesty.” A familiar, all too cheerful voice startled him while he was lost in thought. He halted and his feet became glued to the ground when Roxana appeared right in front of him with a bright smile.

She was dressed like a man but this time, she didn’t wrap her body underneath the clothes. She had the shape of a woman, and her curves were even more accentuated by the belt tightened around her waist. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail, leaving her slender neck exposed.

“Rox….” He stopped himself from saying her full name. “What are you doing here?”

He looked down at her feet, worried that she was walking again.

“I am on duty, Your Majesty. “

Oh, now she became his real guard. Wasn’t that some great news to celebrate?

“You should have rested for a few days.”

“I am alright.” She smiled.

As if she wasn’t already dwelling in his mind all night, now she would follow him in person during the days as well. Great. And he couldn’t even make her leave this time because then he would like a joke.

“Your Majesty, I want to apologize.” She began, the smile fading from her lips and her gaze faltering. Shame colored her face. “I have been deceitful and I have caused you much trouble. I regret my actions deeply.” She fumbled with her fingers nervously. “I have truly enjoyed the time I was your guard. I would like to remain your guard and prove to you my loyalty.”

Loyalty? And how was she going to do that?

“I also want to thank you for saving me.” She recalled when he saved her from drowning as well. “Several times.” She added.

“I think that should be an apology too. You are a terrible guard. You are the one supposed to save me.”

Suddenly, she was trying to force back a smile in a failed attempt.”My apologies. I will try not to delegate my duties to you.”

God. Why did she have to be so lovely?

“Good.” He said his voice suddenly sounding strained. “Now, I don’t like to be crowded so I need you to keep a safe distance.”

Safe for him or her?

He was not feeling entirely like himself since yesterday.

“I will keep my distance,” she said not only talking about the physical distance. She didn’t want to have any feelings for him.

Oh, he wanted to laugh. Now, he wanted to see if she would succeed. At least she had much higher chances than he did, not having to deal with an animalistic demon.

He walked past her and she waited a while before following him. She watched him from a distance and he could not see her. Only sense that she was there.