Chapter 202: Super Reasonable

Once more I cast [Artifact Index] and read the System description aloud.

[Headhunter - Pwomiennorog]

Weapon modification:

Your weapon deals bonus [Demonfire] damage.

+10 Strength

+10 Dexterity

Gear modification:

Toggle: [Demonfire]

Toggle: Gain pwomiennorog horns.

You are immune to damage from [Demonfire].

+10 Strength

+10 Dexterity

It was clear to me that [Demonfire] were those blue flames that were everywhere in that place, but what exactly it did I wasn’t sure of, so I looked up the skill.

[Demonfire]

Type: Passive

These blue flames are said to have been crafted by Chernobog himself and passed on to his demonic followers as both weapon and ward.

Not all fire warms. This fire steals the heat from whatever it touches and worms its way inside, spreading like poison. On contact, [Demonfire] rapidly freezes the target’s organs from within. Demonic entities are immune to its effects and are healed by it instead.

“Hmm.” I tapped my chin. “No witty text? Does this mean the System recognizes me as a serious person now?”

“I don’t think anyone recognizes you as a serious person,” Bogumir said.

“I do,” Ola said.

I pointed at her. “See! And so does Kasia, doesn’t she?” I turned to Kasia, nodding.

“Um…” Kasia shrugged. “Maybe? Sometimes?”

It was clear everyone was feeling rude today, so I figured I’d better move the subject back to my skill since I didn’t want to face more unjustified abuse at the hands of these traitors.

“Whatever.” I showed everyone my palm, prompting some raised eyebrows. “I think this little guy is pretty good, I’m thinking he even has a chance of replacing Lubomir on my pistol, don’t you guys think?”

“I have no idea who Lubomir is or what he does,” Bogumir said. Everyone else also shrugged their shoulders.

“Fine.” I read the description for his totem aloud.

[Headhunter - Lubomir Drevek, Flame Adept]

Weapon modification

Weapon fires flaming projectiles.

Deal +30% damage to burning targets.

Killing a burning target restores a small amount of Mana.

+10 Attunement

+20% Mana Regeneration

Gear modification

While you are on fire, you deal +20% damage for 10 seconds. Stacks up to 5 times.

+10 Attunement

+20% Mana Regeneration

+25% Fire Resistance

Vitek scratched his beard. “I don’t know. Lubomir sounds better, unless you’re not killing any burning targets. Is that something you often do?”

“You burned half my team,” Bogumir added. “Those Banda Masvih thugs too.”

“I could put the pwomiennorog on my belt?” I asked. “I would be immune to [Demonfire].”

“You have only encountered three demons who used [Demonfire],” Vasil said.

I definitely did not need Lubomir on my gear for the Fire Resistance, since mine was already at 139.5% from all my other gear and skills. I did like the Strength and Dexterity gains, and [Demonfire]’s effect might be more useful than regular fire, though I did also have [Slow] on Bies’ Wisdom. Having felt [Demonfire]’s effects for myself I knew it was a shitty thing to experience, and I wanted my opponents to feel as shitty as possible.

But if I was being honest with myself, did it feel worse than being on actual fire? Being on normal fire definitely hurt more and synergized with my build better. Shooting blue flaming bullets would probably freak people out though, that would be cool. Still, I couldn’t justify replacing Lubomir. He was one of my first totems, and he was still so damn good.

I sighed. “Fine. I guess it will go in the bag with the rest. One of these days I will need to have demonic horns and be on blue fire and then I’ll show you guys just how good this guy is!”

“It would probably look super cool with the wings,” Kasia said.

“It would, wouldn’t it?” I smiled wistfully.

“Well,” Bogumir said. “I think it would make you look ugly. I think you look better without horns. What if the horns mess with your hair?”

“Why would I—” I scoffed, then realized he was right. My head was great as it was. Why would I want horns ruining perfection? I wouldn’t, that’s why. The blue fire was still kind of cool, though. “Whatever. Bag it is.” I plopped the head in my satchel.

Moryana knocked on the table. “I think you should put the blood back. I think that looked better.”

I stared at her. “If you like blood so much, why don’t you have any on yourself? Your face looks clean. Why?”

She smiled. “Because it would look ugly.”

“What?”

“Because it would look bad.”

“Then why are you—why do you want me to cover myself in blood?”

She shrugged.

Then it clicked.

“Are you trying to make me look ugly? Are you suggesting this so Kuba won’t think I’m pretty anymore?”

She was silent for a few contemplative moments, looked down, then met my eyes and smiled again. “Yes.”

I blinked a couple of times then glanced at Kuba, who shrugged. I turned my attention back to Moryana, who was still smiling at me like she hadn’t just said something dumb as hell. It was so dumb I wasn’t even sure how to respond. It was like my brain had liquified and wouldn’t let me think of something, like she’d made me dumber by having said that.

I slapped my hand on the table. “First of all, rude. Second of all, that’s not how things work. If you say something looks better it can’t actually look worse.”

She steepled her hands and rested her chin on them. She was smirking now. “It looks better to me, because you’d look worse.”

“What?! But I’m not—I’m not—Kuba tell her!”

Kuba did not tell her. Kuba raised his hands and gave me a look like he wanted no part of this.

“Look, Moryana, I have no interest in Kuba. He’s a [Carpenter] for Goddess’ sake. I have self-respect, something you clearly lack. And also regular respect, which you also lack, because you tried to make me look ugly. Whose side are you even on? You wouldn’t even have met Kuba if it wasn’t for me. Just because I’m prettier than you doesn’t mean that you should give me bad advice! That’s so mean!”

“You’re not prettier than me.”

“Wow. Just wow.” I couldn’t believe my ears. “You’ve clearly been in the water too long. It has affected your eyes and your brain. And your respect. And your…” I looked her up and down. “And your ugly stupid nose.”

She gasped and put a hand over her nose. “How dare you! I don’t have an ugly stupid nose!”

“Oh, but you do! Unless you admit that I’m prettier. Then you have a great and beautiful nose—though not as great and beautiful as mine.”

Moryana stood up and narrowed her eyes at me. “You watch it, missy. You watch yourself. Say one more thing about my perfect nose and don’t be surprised if you wake up dead, drowned by a mysterious force!”

I stood up as well and put my finger an inch from her face. “Oh yeah?! You watch yourself! Call me ugly one more time and don’t be surprised when you wake up dead with your whole head missing! And not by a mysterious force! The force would be me! Because I would have shot it off! Ugly stupid nose and everything!”

“You stay away from my man!”

“I don’t want your degenerate of a man!”

“Hey!” Kuba said. “Why am I a degenerate?”

Bogumir groaned. “Ladies—and I’m being generous when I use that term—settle down. You’re both idiots and both pretty. Hecate, she never said you were ugly. If you were ugly she wouldn’t want to make you ugly, because you’d already be it. And Moryana, everyone knows Hecate has some unreasonable issues with carpenters. I don’t know if she’s scared of them or whatever, but she clearly has no idea what a [Carpenter] is or does. Not that it matters, she doesn’t like them. That’s what matters.”

I was not an idiot, nor were my issues with carpenters unreasonable. They were super reasonable, and I knew exactly what carpenters did. Which was exactly why I had so many issues with them. Issues galore. With good reason.

“Fuck you,” Moryana whispered to Bogumir, which, to my everlasting shame, immediately made me like her a bit better. She turned to me. “But he’s right. I never called you ugly. I think you’re very pretty.”

I squinted, waiting for the insult to come, but it never did. I felt like I also had to say something nice now. “You, uh, your nose is actually nice. It’s not stupid or ugly. You are also not ugly. I think you look really nice.” I gave her a nod. But not as nice as me, I thought. And she’s also a little bit stupid. Maybe more than a little bit. But I didn’t say that, of course.

“Great,” Bogumir said. “Now maybe you could identify the final artifact so we can move on?”

I crossed my arms. “Maybe I will. But not because you said so. I will do it because I was planning on doing it anyway. I am doing this by my own free will. It was my own idea.”

Him telling me to identify it made me not want to identify it at all, but I also really wanted to identify it. Why’d he have to go and say that? I was just about to do it before Moryana distracted me with her nonsense.

“Are you going to do it or what?”

I scowled at him. “Yes.”

Fucker, I whispered at him inside my mind.