Forced Marriage: Escaping Her Monster

What have I done?

Jerlina looked at Jeremy and he looked hurt. And that only made her feel more terrible.

She wasn't in many relationships and this was the first time she broke up from a very serious relationship. And she was already married to Jeremy. Although she didn't want to think of Gerard and has no intention of getting together with him, whenever she thought of her baby, she thinks about Gerard even if it is just for a moment. 

Jeremy was equally shocked. He felt like his heart was moved from its axis or as if the reality is shifting.. If she said it before she confessed, he wouldn't have minded much but since she said it now, he felt like shit.

Am I not enough? Is my love not enough for her to think of her ex? And she almost died!

But looking at her face that was filled with guilt, he could safely assume that it is not the meaning she intended. There should be more to it. 

He is someone with no dating experience and he was never in love with anyone except her. So he couldn't get what she said. 

He looked around and saw blue-grey clouds rising from the horizon. He knew it will snow soon. She looked terrible; his mood is terrible; and so he decided to go home. They can talk about it later.

"It's going to snow soon. Let's get to home before that," he said.

Jerlina looked around and the weather did seem a lot like her heart. "Okay," she nodded.

She waited for him to walk, but he gestured for her to walk. "Walk to my front. You remember the way, right?" he asked.

Jerlina nodded and walked to his front. He was holding her jacket from behind as she walked. She could see the difference in the way she is getting treated from before. But she understood why he is getting panicked.

She saw the abyss just a couple of feet away from her when she was crying in his embrace. And that could only mean that she almost…

She didn't mean to. She didn't want to die. She doesn't. She wants to live. 

But for her to not even realizing what she was doing and charge towards the cliff...

Do I need help?

She felt the warmth of his hand seeping through the jacket and reaching her back. Or it could be just her feeling. She felt confused by it all. 

As she put her hand inside her pocket, she felt the pine cone she left there. Whatever it is, she is sure that she is not willing to give up on Joel. But since she has hurt that lovely soul by saying something she shouldn't have said, she started thinking of ways to set it right between them. 

"Keys," Jeremy held out his hand as they reached the bottom of the hill. 

"I'll-" Jerlina swallowed the rest of her words and handed him the keys seeing his face devoid of any emotions.

"I'll walk back," Jerlina said fearing he is pushing himself too much. She noticed him wincing when he sat on the bike. 

"Sit!" Jeremy growled at her and Jerlina had to listen to him. 

The way back was silent with no joy and no words spoken between them. Jerlina did not like that at all. But she didn't know what to say.

And in silence, they reached their home. 

"You want to lie down for a bit?" she asked. She really hated the silence between them.

She was thinking the whole time. And she didn't think that what she said was wrong. Maybe trying to hide it is wrong. Whatever it is, her thoughts are out in the open and what's left is to deal with it. 

She was not thinking of Gerard actually. In fact, even when she thinks of Gerard at times, it only is her realizing the stark contrast between Gerard and Joel. It might be wrong to compare, but she always ended up thinking that Joel is a thousand times better than Gerard in every way. 

And so, she will try her best to not let this relationship go sour. 

Jeremy looked at her. She still didn't look fine but he could see that she is trying to open up a conversation rather than going silent. Anything is better than her locking her room, lying on the floor, crying.

"If you join," he held out his hand. 

"Lunch?" Jerlina asked. 

She needed to prepare lunch but seeing his extended hand, she held it. She can prepare lunch after he falls asleep. And the warmth of his hand made her feel loved and she followed him to the room.

"Do you want anything before lying down?" she asked and he shook his head in the negative. 

"Nothing, except you," he said and pulled her to him. 

Jerlina ended up on his lap and she looked into his eyes. She would never get used to the prettiness of his eyes. She kissed his forehead and he let out a deep breath. 

"You almost jumped off the cliff, Jeryl," he said with his voice shaking. "I shouldn't have taken you there."

"It's not your fault, Joel…" Jerlina pressed her finger on his lips. She could see that he has almost gained his lovely gaze. "I got a bit emotional."

"You want to tell me about it now… or...?" he questioned. 

Jerlina could see that he wants to leave it to her decision but he is very curious. And he has a right to know what is in his heart. If telling him hurts him and not telling him will hurt him too, isn't it better to tell him what she is thinking in her heart?

"I thought about it, Jeryl…" he lied down and pointed her to lie beside him. After she lied down, he continued. 

"I could never understand the pain of the loss you suffered," he said.

It took a lot of thinking for him to understand that. But if he is being honest, that is the truth.

"Not only because it is not my child and I've never gone through that loss but also because I am a man. You suffered a lot. I watched you suffer. Although I might think I understand the pain,  only you felt how painful it is both physically and motionally…"

He remembered the state of Bobby after Scar left him. They all thought that he was grieving for his love but only later did Jeremy realized how much he was grieving for the child they lost. He didn't understand that pain and compared it with the loss of his mother. He thought he did but he did not. And that is the same with her. He will never truly understand the depth of the pain caused by the loss of one's child. 

Jerlina chuckled but her eyes got teary.  She would never understand how he always tells her the right thing.

Well, not always, but when she needs him the most, he's there for her.

"Aren't I hurting you enough?" Jerlina said.