Novel Full 146 Florida Man Defends Bullied Man from Angry Karen by Using Mushrooms, then Mocks Her for Having “Saggy” Genitalia.
Chapter 146 – Florida Man Defends Bullied Man from Angry Karen by Using Mushrooms, then Mocks Her for Having “Saggy” Genitalia.
Leo came down to the alchemy workshop area. He waited for one of the workshops to be available as he needed to research something.
When a workshop finished making a new batch of pills, Leo stopped the mannequin from continuing the work. He dropped a twig of golden world tree into the pot and researched it.
DING
.
Twig of Sweet Dream World Tree
This twig was collected from the Sweet Dream World Tree, which could only be found in a mushroom-infested mystic realm. As it inherits a strong hallucination poison from the world tree, it can be used to upgrade cold weapons or ammunition.
If you have a smith workshop, you might find a better usage from this.
[Alchemy Recipe – Ammunition Coating]
One Hundred of Any Ammunition
One Twig of Sweet Dream World Tree
One Earth Element Catalyst
Earth Essence
[Alchemy Recipe – Weapon Coating]
One Cold Weaponry
One Twig of Sweet Dream World Tree
One Earth Element Catalyst
Earth Essence
.
The recipe was nothing special as Leo got the information from the alchemy workshop. He was slightly disappointed.
‘What’s the point of adding a hallucination effect to weapons and ammo? Confuse them? Eh, I’m not into that kink.’
Despite the thought, Leo rubbed his spatial ring and secretly snapped another piece of twig from the mushroom tree. He added it to the cauldron along with a dented flying sword that he had used to demonstrate a tactical suit the other day.
The mannequin seemed to understand Leo’s intention. He rushed into a granary and fetched a golden sand banana for Leo to use as an Earth element catalyst.
After getting all the ingredients, Leo closed the lid and spat into the fireplace as usual. Then, a timer appeared.
59 Minutes, 58 Seconds
Leo was relieved as the timer was extremely short. With this speed, he could experiment with random weapons that he had stolen from dead cultivators.
However, there was one problem. Had Leo brought out more twigs in the open, those twigs would automatically produce mushroom spores.
He needed someone to either suppress the mushroom spores or contain them.
‘Right. Meowmeow mentioned I should ask Esen for help. I should go find her.’
Leo left the workshop to see Esen next.
.
.
Meanwhile, Esen was in a bad mood. After coming down from the mystic realm platform, she visited Gao Yan and Wu Buyi to vent her anger on them.
Gao Yan and Wu Buyi didn’t pay attention to her. They were busy studying the pill-making methods from the mannequins.
Using the opportunity that both men were careless, Esen stomped toward them. She kicked Wu Buyi’s butt and smacked the back of Gao Yan.
“You trashy cultivators! No matter how hard you stare at those pots, you won’t get better at alchemy! Come and spar with me, and I’ll show you how to get better properly!”
Wu Buyi yelped in pain while Gao Yan’s spinal cord was almost dislocated. Both of them were out of commission in one slight attack.
Looking at the pathetic men, Esen snorted, “You people are useless. Why is that geezer keeping you around? If I were him, I would have expelled you long ago.”
“???”
Wu Buyi rubbed his butt and gazed at Esen in confusion. He didn’t recognize her as she had changed a lot.
“Who are you, little missy? Why did you kick me?”
“Who are you calling missy?! I’m old enough to be your great-grandmother!”
Esen kicked Wu Buyi again. The latter screamed as her foot hit the sore spot.
While Wu Buyi got bullied, Gao Yan got back to his feet. He rubbed his back as he was still in pain. Then, he looked at the assailant.
“Hmm? Oh. Senior, you’ve…changed a lot.”
Gao Yan’s face reddened as he found Esen attractive. Her face and blond long hair were so unique that he was at a loss for words.
His reaction made Thora angry. She pinched and twisted his right ear.
Getting pinched out of nowhere, Gao Yan was confused. He screamed in pain and protested, “What did I do wrong?!”
“Hmph! Getting excited, aren’t you?”
“But why are you twisting my ear?!”
“Cause I feel like it!”
Gao Yan cried as he failed to understand Thora.
While Gao Yan got bullied by his dao avatar girlfriend, Esen turned her attention toward him.
“You there!”
Esen had long examined Gao Yan’s talent and potential. She believed that his potential was on par with Yao Qiqi and Cat. However, he didn’t have a proper mentor to guide him. As a result, Gao Yan’s combat foundation was extremely weak at his cultivation base.
He lacked real experience in combat.
Essen walked closer to Gao Yan and stared at him up close. Although she was a head shorter than him, her face and voice made him nervous.
“When was the last time you trained in combat?” Asked Esen.
“Umm…” Gao Yan pondered. He wryly smiled, “Probably before I became an alchemist? I haven’t swung a sword for a long time.”
“So, you’ve become a nascent soul cultivator, but you have never fought anybody at all? Wait, what was your cultivation base before you became an alchemist.”
“… First stage, senior. The muscle tempering realm.”
“You WHAT?!”
Esen screamed in front of his face. She pinched his left ear to pull him closer to her.
“Are you an idiot?! You have never sparred against anybody at all since then?!”
“OW! OW! OW! PLEASE STOP PINCHING ME!”
“This won’t do! You know what? Throw away all your alchemy schedule! I’ll be your sparring partner from now on, and I’ll personally teach you how to fight! Aren’t you the representative of the upcoming tournament I heard?”
“EH!?”
“Don’t EH me! Now, come with me! Bring out your stupid artifact sword so you can train with it! I’ll be using a tree twig somewhere as a sword, and I’ll spar with you! COME HERE!”
“What? Wait… DAAAAAAAHHHH!!”
Esen didn’t wait for Gao Yan to speak or react. She dragged him by the ear, pulling him to an empty plot, east of the domain. Then, she started smacking him with an iron pine twig, which was harder than a regular pine log.
.
.
Leo came out from the alchemy workshop street and stood in front of his store. He looked around, searching for Esen.
“OW! OW! OW!”
Gao Yan’s loud cry came from the east. Leo furrowed his brow as the dude was loud.
“Is he delivering a baby or something? Man, dude is squealing harder than Japanese AV actresses.”
Leo laughed at Gao Yan. He walked over to see the commotion as he had no urgent job to do.
Upon getting closer, Leo found Esen and Gao Yan. The latter cackled as she smacked the poor young man with a twig.
“PLEASE STOP, SENIOR! I GIVE UP!” Gao Yan raised his lightsaber to parry the twig. However, he was too slow as Esen masterfully rotated her wrist and hit his chest.
“Stop closing your eyes when you get hit, idiot! Open your eyes and look at me!”
“B-But it’s scary!”
“Aren’t you a swordsman?! What happened to your basic sword skill? Are you a clown or a performer with a sword?!”
Gao Yan was depressed. He had a main character’s mindset, which prevented him from hitting or fighting women, especially attractive girls like Esen.
Leo observed the two and smirked. He picked a place to sit and brought out another gold branch of the world tree. Then, he chewed on it as if it was a piece of cookie.
CRUNCH-CRUNCH
From Leo’s perspective, the mushroom tree was as hard as an ice cube. Upon being crushed, it melted in his mouth and turned into fresh earth element essence and life force.
DING
<You have eaten a Twig of Sweet Dream World Tree.>
<Your lifespan has increased by 250 years.>
Leo raised his eyebrows and grinned. He looked at the twig in his hand and continued eating it.
‘Instead of using them to coat bullets, I should eat them instead. But if I keep eating them, I won’t have enough twigs for alchemy. I need to find a place to grow this tree.’
As Leo remembered what he was here for, he stood up and interrupted the two.
“Esen, you free?”
Esen stopped hitting Gao Yan. She turned to Leo and glared at him, “What do you want?”
“I need your help.”
Hearing that Leo needed her help, Esen widely grinned. She tossed away the twig in her hand and strode toward him.
“Ohoho. Finally, the invincible geezer shows some weaknesses. What is it, then? What kind of help do you need from the powerless me?”
Leo didn’t notice the sarcasm. He brought out a twig of sweet dream world tree to show Esen.
“Can you control the spore or contain it with your power? These spores can somehow turn people into zombies. You’re a lich, right? Can you tame mushroom zombies or the mushroom parasites?”
“Huh?”
Esen’s smile faded from her face. She looked at the twig as she sensed a scent that belonged to her race and the other undead creatures. She sniffed it and pulled it off Leo’s hand.
“Where did you get this? Why do you have a twig of undead tree?”
“Oh?” Leo was delighted as Esen seemed to know something about the tree, “Can you control it?”
“Who do you think this empress is?” Esen puffed her flat chest. She waved the twig around, creating a trail of golden sparks. “I can’t call myself empress if I can’t use this simple herb!”
“Herb, you say?”
“Yes, herbs! This is nothing but our staple food! My death knights and arch liches loved this. We ate these for breakfast!”
“…”
“Say, where did you find this? Can you grow some on your farm? I don’t want to eat yin vegetables. They smell like rotten fish.”
Leo didn’t know what to say. He probed her with another important question.
“What about the spores? Can you do something about them so everybody here won’t become undead zombies because of those?”
“Oh, that’s simple!” Esen giggled as she was confident, “The spores usually come out from the undead trees and mushrooms whenever they feel threatened. But when you have at least one big undead tree and four smaller ones around it, all mushrooms usually stop producing spores.”
“Oh?”
Leo learned something interesting. He snapped a few more twigs and gave it to Esen.
“I have a fledging BIG TREE that you spoke of. Can you somehow turn those twigs into SMALL TREES?”
“HAHAHAHA! This is too simple! Let me show you weakling how it’s done!”
Esen carried four twigs to the empty plowed land south of the farms. Leo also followed after her to see how she would do to the deadly twigs.
As if Esen copied Leo’s alchemy technique, she spat on the twigs and planted them in the ground. She placed them in a square formation, leaving the center area empty. Then, she pointed at the twigs.
“Pee on them.”
“…Wut?”
“Undead trees require a living creature’s urine to grow. Without the urine, they can’t grow leaves and graduate from being mushrooms. If you don’t want them to spread spores, you have to pee on them.”
“…”
Leo was speechless. He walked toward the nearest twig and was about to unzip. However, Esen stood in front of him, gazing at his face.
“Erm, excuse me?”
“What?”
“Privacy, please.”
“Ha! Why are you being shy? Do you think I’m interested in your limb dick?! I’m already 10,000 years old. I’ve seen so many dicks in my life!”
Leo rolled his eyes. Instead of urinating on the twigs, he pointed his finger at them and ordered his cell to spray impurity and dead cells onto the plant.
ZAAAA
A stream of black water was poured on the golden twig.
“…”
Esen frowned as she was taken aback. She sniffed at the black water, but she quickly covered her nose in disgust.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! HOW COME IT SMELLS LIKE HOLY WATER?!”
Leo cackled, “Holy water? Woman, you have never seen REAL holy water!”
He proceeded to water the other three twigs. Then, he spat on every plant to boost their mutation and growth rate.
After he put in his effort, he brought out the sweet dream world tree and planted it at the center of the formation. Leo then grinned.
“Your turn. Make sure you contain the spores or disable the spread.”
“…”
Esen frowned as she still had countless questions Leo managed to create holy water. She spat at the world tree’s trunk and slapped it a few times. Then, she fiddled with her skirt.
Before Esen pulled down her panties, she glared at Leo.
“Privacy, geezer.”
Leo widely grinned. He mimicked Esen’s voice earlier.
“Ha! Why are you being shy? Do you think I’m interested in your saggy crack?! I’m already 50,000 years old. I’ve seen them a lot in my life!”
“…”