Florida Man's General Store in Cultivation World

Chapter 100 – Florida Man Cleans His Internal Organ Using High-Pressure Water, Suffers Brain Damage

Taxi faintly heard Leo’s shout. Although he was interested in an easy job, he was reluctant to get close to the nasty sweet dream mushroom forest.

“Smash D:”

Leo didn’t hear the pony’s voice, but he took it as a yes. He looked up and calculated his jump. Then, he parkoured out of the hallowed hall and jumped three kilometers.

A second later, Leo appeared in front of Taxi. He grabbed the horn and swung his body on the horseback.

“Whew. I finally get the hang of it. Vertical jump is a lot easier than Spiderman jumps.”

However, Leo forgot about one fact. First, his clothes were all burnt, and he was naked. Secondly, his entire body was on fire.

Taxi sensed something warm on his back. Although the gasoline fire was nothing to Taxi, he still got annoyed.

“Smash!”

“Yeah, I know. I know. Sorry about the fire. I’ll put that out.”

Leo patted his head, arms, and legs. As he put his mind to it, a layer of his slightly tanned skin came off, and a fresh skin layer was regenerated. Still, one part was on fire.

He looked down and found his dangling shlong in super saiyan mode. Seeing the burning chicken, Leo laughed and patted the fire. After it was doused, Leo left a slightly darkened “olo” mark on Taxi’s back.

“Hoh, boy. I wish I could show my old friends on Earth. I wish I had a phone to take that picture. It would have been viral on the internet.”

Leo laughed as he thought of opening an OnlyFan account to post his videos and pics, such as his thing on fire, on a hot grill, under burning charcoal, and wild stuff. He wondered if those would sell.

“…Smash? >_>”

Taxi’s voice woke Leo from his silly daydream. He sighed and stood up. Then, he purchased a new set of clothes so that he wouldn’t get rammed by this perverted horse.

After putting on his clothes, Leo asked Taxi again.

“Before you teach me how to fly, teach me how to use Qi and use the spatial rings in my hand first.”

Taxi scoffed, thinking that Leo was joking.

“…Smash?”

“I ain’t trolling you. I’m serious.”

“Smash?”

“Yes, I can’t use Qi or essence whatsoever.”

“SMASH?! D:<“

Taxi was confused. He was certain that Leo was at least an immortal or a deity. However, hearing that Leo couldn’t use Qi or essence, his mind was blown.

Leo’s existence didn’t make sense. If he could use Qi, then what was the aura around him and his absurd physical strength?

“Screw me? No, screw you! I really don’t know how to use Qi! Just teach me. I’ll give you more immortal grass!”

“…”

Taxi solemnly looked into his eyes. Upon seeing that Leo was serious, he firmly nodded.

“Smash!”

“Good. Very well, Sifu, what should I do first?”

Taxi snorted and explained in his language.

“Smash, smash-smash smash. Smash!”

“Ah, yes. I know that cultivators meditate to gather invisible energy. But how?”

“SMASH!”

Leo nodded twice, “I see, I see. So… smash?”

“SMASH!”

“Smash, smash?”

“SMASHHH >:D”

“I see.”

Their conversation also didn’t make any sense, but they understood each other. Leo took a deep breath and sat cross-legged on Taxi’s back. Then, he paced his breaths and closed his eyes.

Taxi respected Leo. He remained quiet and stood still, allowing Leo to meditate and feel the body and the world around him with the sixth sense.

.

“Hmm.”

Five minutes later, Leo opened his eyes. He tilted his head in confusion and looked at his fingertip.

From Taxi’s instruction, he simply needed to feel the energy flow inside his body, aka the mild electricity in his body first. Then, he could start manipulating them.

This method always increased one’s metabolism and burned one’s excess fat. However, it also exhausted the cultivator as it depleted the person’s calories at a rapid rate.

However, Leo’s physique was different from ordinary humans and cultivators. He was a living embodiment of evolved cancer cells. Each singular cell in his body collected a vast amount of element essence that surpassed what a quasi-immortal could do.

Leo raised his index finger up and commanded his cancer cells to send the smallest amount of their Qi to his fingertip.

PIKI

An electric spark came out from Leo’s fingertip. However, unexpected things happened.

VROOM

A fiery flame shot out from Leo’s fingertip. Then, water splashed came out. When the fire and water met, they evaporated each other, causing a thick white smoke. The index finger also hardened as a rock while his fingernail transformed into a metal plate, growing and extending one meter at once. Leaves and tree branches also grew from the metal fingernail and released poison gas from the leaves.

Looking at the chaos, Leo deeply sighed. It was difficult to adjust the power output as his blood cells had a mind of their own. He felt like he was trying to order feral cats to give him a paw.

“I guess I have to COMMUNICATE with my damn cancer cells. Haiya. My life is so complicated. My blood cells don’t really listen to me.”

Leo pulled the metal nail off his finger. Then, he tried again. This time, he ordered the blood cells not to release any element Qi or essence. Instead, he wanted them to use their unwanted Qi or impure Qi.

The decision was a mistake.

RUMBLE

Leo’s aura turned black. He began sweating, releasing dark fluid from his orifices and pores.

“SMASH?!!”

Taxi was shocked. He shook his back and kicked Leo away from him. His hind legs smacked Leo’s face and chest.

Leo was unharmed. The panicking kick of a 9th-rank monster was harmless to him.

While being covered in black fluid from his body, Leo sniffed his armpits. His face distorted in disgust as the smell was worse than wet rotten corpses.

“What the hell?”

His cancer cells didn’t stop releasing the black Qi and the impurity in his body. His overall muscle mass decreased by 10%, and he lost a lot of fluid in his body.

BOOM

Leo safely landed on the ground after a long fall. He grumbled and pointed his finger into his mouth.

“Cancer cells, create me some water. I’m thirsty as hell.”

*SPLASH*

Because of the excessive water essence and power, Leo ended up creating a high-pressure water jet. The strong force of water sent a bullet-like stream into his mouth.

Leo pointed his finger away and coughed. Some of the water got into his lungs and got pushed back to his nostrils, burning his nasal passages.

The body instantly digested the water and washed his blood cells. Leo’s muscles were slightly bloated, reverting back to his usual size. A few seconds later, they shrunk as the cancer cells continued to remove the impurity from his body.

Leo gritted his teeth and ordered his finger to decrease the water pressure. He then pointed his fingertip at his mouth, drinking more water.

As if Leo was cleaning himself with a water pressure machine, small streams of dark water came out from a thousand of his arms, legs, torso, and even his ears.

After circulating enough water, the dirty fluid got lighter, and his aura brightened.

Leo stopped drinking water as overdrinking made him dizzy. He had a headache as too much water entered his brain. He rubbed his forehead and sat on the wet mud. Then, he looked at the mushroom forest around him.

SIZZLE

Strangely, the mushrooms around Leo turned black and died. When the black fluid of Leo entered the soil and touched the underground roots of the other mushrooms, they also withered and died.

In seconds, all mushrooms in a square kilometer turned black and stopped multiplying.

Leo quietly looked at the carnage that he had caused. He scratched his head.

“Welp. I guess my damn sweat is too toxic for zombie mushrooms. But damn! My sweat smells!”

Leo sighed and removed the dirty wet clothes. Since it cost only 3 years of lifespan, Leo didn’t mind discarding them. He purchased a clean towel to clean himself.

After drying his body, Leo reattempted the cultivation method. He tried again.

“Use less force, my cells. No, only one cell should be using your force. No one else interferes or joins in! USE THE TINIEST AMOUNT IF YOU CAN!”

One of Leo’s cancer cells reacted while the others were busy absorbing fresh Qi from the environment around him that the mushrooms had released.

This time, Leo sensed a strand of invisible energy, running through the palm of his left hand to his index finger. The energy exited his finger through the nail and came out, but the string was still attached to the body.

Leo moved his finger around. He felt like he had a parasite worm coming out from his fingertip, but he couldn’t see it. However, he knew it was there.

“Is this Qi that those cultivators work so hard to get?”

Leo was amused. He opened his right hand, where he had kept five spatial rings of Situ Nantian. Then, he tried injecting the Qi string into one of the rings.

As soon as the Qi string entered the ring’s jewel, Leo received feedback from the energy string. He vaguely sensed a maze, made from water. It shot water energy at his Qi string.

When the Qi string was soaked in the water, it devoured them as it still had the characteristics of Leo’s cancer cells. The thread got bigger, and it transferred some of the energy back to Leo’s body.

Sensing the energy entering his body, Leo raised his eyebrows.

“Oh, is this how they cultivate? Do cultivators absorb Qi like this?”

Obviously, cultivators never attempted this method. Taxi also never practiced this. Only Leo’s cancer cells could do it.

CLICK

When the water Qi in the ring was emptied, it was unlocked. The Qi string Leo got inside the massive cubic room of the spatial ring, and Leo could vaguely sense countless objects in the cube.

“OOOOHHH!! THIS IS IT!”

Finally, Leo managed to access a spatial ring for the first time.

One small step for a cultivator, one giant leap for Florida Man!