First Demonic Dragon

Sun Wukong coughed as he forced his body out of the rubble.

The monkey king sucked in a rush of cold air as he got to his feet, supported by the weight of his staff.

He swung his weapon in a wide arc, and the fierce gust of wind he kicked up blew away all of the surrounding rubble. The other gods were now able to stand, but they were not as quick to get to their feet as the monkey king.

He planted his staff to steady himself as he chuckled.

“Ahh… You haven’t lost your touch, Bright One.”

“Hi, Wukonggg!!!” Zahara waved her hand excitedly as she walked across the clouds. “Is that a new staff? It looks great!”

“Yeah, well, your husband broke my last one, so…” The monkey king smiled bashfully.

“Hi, Uncle Sun.” Belloc waived.

“Hey, kid, you’ve… Were you always wearing that shirt?”

“What are you talking about?” Bell asked innocently, sporting a t-shirt with a deadbeat father wearing an orange dougi.

“You know I hate that guy! He stole my whole shtick, now all the mortals in America think he’s the original!”

“I have no idea what you mean, Unc.”

“Whatever…” Wukong grumbled as he slowly rose on his somersault cloud.

“Hey, it’s a nimbus!”

“WHAT THE FUCK!”

One by one, the rest of the Celestial began to rise to their feet. At the same time, several more temples and palaces became visible, surrounding the dragons in no time.

“Cheap tricks! I thought the denizens of the Abyss would have proved more noble!” Erlang Shen pointed his tri-tipped spear at her.

Zahara tilted her head innocently. “…Why would you think that? This is a war. I’m sure none of you had plotted to challenge us with some honorable method. Do you expect us to do the same because we are stronger than you?”

“Whether or not you are still the strongest remains to be seen!”

A man with tawny red skin rose out of the rubble. Accompanied by four other men at his back, he gave Zahara a ferocious glare.

The blue patterned robes across his body morphed right before everyone’s eyes, turning him into a great, coiling loong several miles long.

Zahara’s eyes showed a dangerous, hateful light.

“You would dare bare your fangs at your superior…? You had better be damned sure, boy.”

Her simple words may as well have been a nuclear threat. The Dragon God clenched his teeth at the insult.

The soldiers of the celestial court popped out of every little hidey hole imaginable. All of them were wearing the same blue and dark silver armor with sashes of gold.

Zahara looked around with a slight expression of disappointment. “I don’t see old man green… Seems he’s not here, huh? I don’t suppose that any of you want to tell me where he’s hiding?”

“Foul creature! The illustrious Jade Emperor is far beyond your reach! You would do well to surrender now!”

“Did you honestly believe that I would acquiesce?” Zahara seemed genuinely impressed. “Well, whatever… I’m not above offering you the same courtesy… People of the Celestial Court!”

Zahara slowly spun in circles so that she could lay her eyes on every member of the crowd at least once.

“I make you this offer but one single time. Surrender. If you do not, your lives are forfeit.”

Zahara blinked suddenly.

“Oh, but not you, Wukong. You know how we’re good.”

The monkey grinned bashfully. “I appreciate that, but I still have to put on a bit of a show to pay some debts, Z.”

“That’s cool, I don’t mind.” Zahara shrugged as she looked down at her toned, muscled stomach. “I’ve been lying around a lot lately, and I’m starting to get a little flabby… I could probably use the exercise.”

The Celestial Court wondered if dragons from the abyss had different definitions of ‘flabby’ than everyone else in creation.

“Ah, the four dragon kings, and any other loongs, you should know that you are also safe. Dragons must stick together after all. That is the family’s philosophy.”

Suddenly, she pointed at The Dragon God in his blue-scaled form.

“Ah, but I’m afraid you have to pay the price. You’ve had millennia to stop exalting yourself as the master and god of all dragons, yet you never took the time to do so. My husband’s been itching to lop your head off since the dark ages.”

With staggering lightness in her voice, Zahara turned to the rest of the crowd. “Right then. Anybody else??”

There were a few soldiers who, with trembling hands, dropped their weapons and lay on top of the cloud’s surface. Zahara memorized them all instantly.

However, one hand went up as if to ask a question rather than outright surrender.

“I-If I surrender… Can I have the hand of Princess Iramira??”

Zahara blinked slowly. “…We don’t believe in arranged marriages, Nezha. I’m sure she’ll be your friend though, if you ask.”

“DEAL!”

The teenage god floated atop a mound of fire, crossing his legs as if he intended only to watch the show.

“Hey, Dragon-Lady.”

“That is Empress Zahara to you, little Yin Nezha. But what is it?”

“Do you mind sparing the lives of those two old fogies, too?” Nezha pointed to two Buddhas who looked as surprised by these developments as anyone.

“They’re kinda important to me.” The boy shrugged.

“…Eh, I don’t see why not, I didn’t really dress for a super big bloodbath anyway.”

Zahara suddenly clapped her hands together. “Alright then! If we’re all done, let’s get down to business.”

Shockingly, the one to move first wasn’t the dragon queen or her son. It was the demon who had been twitching out of his mind even before the conversation had begun.

“FUCK, YES! NOW THAT WE’VE GOT ALL OF THE USELESS CHATTER OUT OF THE WAY, IT’S TIME TO DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL WITH OURSELVES!!!!!”

Satan ran at the gods at full speed, the red aura surrounding him taking the form of a rampaging red beast.

Lunging into the air, he roared like a possessed madman.

“Remember, we’ve got people we aren’t supposed to kill!” Zahara yelled after him.

“Fucking, cum on a cracker!” Satan swore.

Belloc gently tapped his mother before leaning in. “Seriously, what has gotten into him..?”

“I think sexual repression has a lot to do with it, honey. He’s been shooting a lot of looks at Fem-Boy Jesus since he showed up.”

“You mean Eternity?”

“Same thing.”

Switching his attack from an all-consuming blast to a simple strike, Satan struck Erlang Shen with his full body, sending the two of them crashing off the cloud onto the world below.

Zahara and Belloc watched the two of them fall with droll, unamused looks on their faces.

“…I bet he gets put on fraud watch.”

“Loser makes dinner.”

“You ain’t said nothing but a word, mother dearest.”

Belloc and Zahara fist-bumped once before all of the forces of the Celestial Court fell upon them.