Chapter 168: What She Forgot to Want

Chapter 168: Chapter 168: What She Forgot to Want

Cassiel exhaled quietly.

"Lysa, I’m not upset. I’m asking whether kicking them hurt your foot."

Elysia’s head lifted.

For a moment, she simply stared at him.

He wasn’t blaming her.

He wasn’t angry about what she had done.

He was worried that she had hurt herself.

The realisation left her strangely stunned.

She had spent the entire journey trying to guess which part of her behaviour had disappointed him, preparing herself to apologise again if necessary. Yet somehow, the one thing that had concerned him was whether her own foot had hurt.

Her gaze softened.

"You’re really not angry?"

One of Cassiel’s brows lifted.

"Why would I be?"

"Because..."

Elysia faltered.

She suddenly felt embarrassed.

"Because you pretended to be pitiful in front of Aunt," Cassiel supplied calmly, "or because you kicked Deborah and His Highness?"

Colour rose to Elysia’s cheeks.

She lowered her gaze.

"I really am sorry."

"You don’t need to apologise."

Cassiel’s brows drew together faintly.

"Lysa, I’m not angry. I think you handled it well."

Elysia blinked.

She looked up again, almost certain she had misunderstood him.

He thought she had handled it well?

That was unexpected.

She had kicked Deborah twice, kicked Vaelen, laughed when he fell, and then nearly fled the scene after discovering that Cassiel had witnessed everything.

And he thought she had handled it well?

For some reason, the answer made her chest feel strangely warm.

She had always been careful around him, conscious of the fact that he was a Duke and that she was now his wife. She did not want him to think she was reckless or ill-mannered.

Yet he had never once asked her to become someone she was not.

Instead, whenever she had needed him, he had stood on her side without hesitation, supported her decisions and never once overruled her.

"My foot is fine," she said belatedly.

Cassiel’s gaze dropped briefly towards her skirts.

"And the knee?"

"It twinged a little," she admitted. "Afterwards."

Something in his expression eased.

"Lysa."

After a brief silence, Cassiel called her name again.

"Yes?"

"I leave the day after tomorrow."

The warmth in Elysia’s chest faded slightly.

She looked at him.

"To meet Lieutenant Rennor?"

"Yes."

He nodded.

His journey north had already been decided. He needed to escort Lieutenant Rennor back safely, or deal with whatever scheme Noverk had devised. The departure was now only two days away.

Elysia had known this, of course.

Still, hearing him say it aloud made the departure feel suddenly closer.

"I’ve asked Aunt to look after you," Cassiel continued. "If anything happens in Caelvyr that you can’t handle, go to her."

Elysia hesitated.

"The Marchioness of Gildemont?"

A faint smile curved Cassiel’s lips.

"She is bold enough to scold His Majesty to his face. With her behind you, you’ll be just fine in Caelvyr."

Elysia’s cheeks warmed again.

She had no intention of throwing her weight around simply because she was the Duchess of Draevenor.

Today had been self-defence.

That was all.

Well...

Mostly.

She had not exactly been the one who started the confrontation.

Besides, Cassiel had already made it clear that he did not blame her.

Her thoughts shifted to something else.

She wanted to ask how long he would be gone.

The question had been sitting quietly in her mind since he first told her about the mission. Yet every time she thought about asking, she hesitated.

Would it sound as though she was overly concerned?

Would he think she was too dependent on him?

Before she could gather the courage, Cassiel spoke again.

"Is there anything you want from the north? I’ll bring it back for you."

Elysia looked at him.

He said it so naturally, as though bringing something back for her was an obvious part of travelling.

She shook her head gently.

"No. I don’t need anything."

Cassiel’s gaze remained on her.

Elysia lowered her eyes.

He had already treated her more kindly than she could ever have expected. He had given her freedom, defended her without hesitation, and even remembered little things she herself had never thought important.

If she kept asking him for things, one day he might grow tired of her.

She did not want that.

In her previous life, she had learned that kindness was something to be earned.

As Crown Princess, most believed she had wanted for nothing. Silks, jewels, a wing of the palace, maids enough to dress her twice over. Yet all of it had been allotted to the title rather than to her, arriving through stewards who consulted ledgers instead of her preferences.

Not one thing had ever come from Vaelen himself.

He had travelled often enough. He had returned with gifts for his mother, occasionally for his sister. A few times, even Deborah had received something.

He had never once asked Elysia what she might like.

So she had tried to deserve it instead. She had managed his household without a single complaint reaching his ears. She had nursed him through every fever. She had risen before dawn to prepare the broth he favoured when his stomach troubled him, because the kitchens never made it quite the way he preferred.

She had believed that if she were useful enough, patient enough, careful enough, the asking would eventually become unnecessary. That one day he would simply think of her, and bring something back, and she would know that she had finally earned a place in his thoughts.

It had never happened.

By the end, she had stopped wanting things altogether. It had proven far easier than keeping count of everything that never arrived.

The thought came so naturally that she almost did not realise how deeply she feared it.

For some reason, her answer made Cassiel frown slightly.

Elysia noticed at once.

She hurried to add, "Thank you for thinking of me. Truly."

She offered him a small smile.

"But Draevenor Manor lacks nothing. I’m not missing anything either."

Cassiel gave a quiet hum in response.

His mood, however, did not seem to improve.

Elysia glanced at him from the corner of her eye.

Is he unhappy?

She replayed the conversation in her head.

She had answered honestly.

She had thanked him.

She had even explained that she did not need anything.

She had not said anything wrong.

Then why did he look as though something had displeased him?

Elysia frowned faintly.

Men were impossible to read.

She had thought she was beginning to understand Cassiel, but moments like this made her realise how little she truly knew about what went on in his mind.

Perhaps he had simply wanted to bring her something and was disappointed that she had given him no suggestion.

She considered offering something then, but the carriage had already fallen quiet, and she could not think of anything she actually wanted.

So she said nothing.

For the rest of the ride, neither of them spoke much.

The silence was not uncomfortable.

At least, Elysia tried to tell herself that.

Cassiel remained composed, occasionally glancing towards the carriage window. Elysia sat opposite him, her thoughts drifting from the events of the banquet to his upcoming departure.

The day after tomorrow.

It was surprisingly soon.

She wondered what the north was like.

She knew it only from her father’s accounts and her brothers’ letters. Wind that cut through wool. Ground too hard to dig. Winters that arrived a full month before the capital’s.

Her father, her brothers and her uncles had ridden out to such places and had not come back.

She pushed the thought away before it could settle.

She wondered how long fetching Lieutenant Rennor would take.

Whether there would be dangers along the way.

Whether he would manage it at all, with his legs still recovering.

And, despite herself, she wondered whether she would miss him while he was gone.

The last thought made her immediately look down.

She did not want to dwell on it.

After all, they had only recently married.

It would be strange to miss him so much already.

Yet when the carriage finally arrived at Draevenor Manor, Elysia found herself strangely reluctant for the evening to end.

That night, as usual, she waited until Cassiel returned from his study before getting into bed.

She had already changed and was lying beneath the covers when he entered the room.

The familiar sounds of him washing up drifted from the adjoining room.

Usually, those sounds brought her a quiet sense of reassurance.

Tonight, however, she remained awake.

She stared at the canopy above her, her hands resting loosely over the blankets.

Her mind returned to their conversation in the carriage.

Is there anything you want from the north? I’ll bring it back for you.

Why had he asked that?

And why had he seemed unhappy when she said she needed nothing?

Had she answered too quickly?

Perhaps she should have asked for something simple.

A book?

Some small thing the capital did not sell?

Even a keepsake would have given him something to bring back.

Elysia turned slightly beneath the covers.

Then another thought occurred to her.

She had wanted to ask how long he would be gone.

She had not.

For some reason, she regretted that.

The door opened.

Cassiel wheeled himself back into the room after washing up.

Elysia immediately closed her eyes, pretending she had already fallen asleep.

Her heart, however, was thudding uneasily in her chest.

She had no idea why.

Perhaps it was because he would be riding into danger, and whatever befell him would inevitably affect her as well.

Or perhaps it was because, for the first time, she had begun to realise just how accustomed she had become to having him beside her.