Chapter 394: Evelyn the Queen of Demons

I look around, realizing how strange this place is without all the water that used to be here. Because of Arial, my spiritual plane was full of water everywhere you looked.

But now that she's gone, when I enter here all I find is a strange floor of flesh and blood that seems to stretch on endlessly, with arms reaching out in every direction.

It's so different from the calm of the water. I know it's because Arial was a lake nymph, and I'm a nymph tied to matter, so blood and flesh are raw materials and they make sense for this environment.

But this morbid setting unsettles me just as much as it feels right for me to be here. At least here I can have some time alone without needing to see the emotions of anything or anyone.

"...I never thought I'd feel strange not having Arial here..." Inside this place, I can, for a moment, escape the dragon instincts and my problems.

So in a way, it's good for me to be here to think. The coronation I just went through makes me wonder what Esther will do.

At this point, I can no longer bring myself to care. Even though I know she won't commit another global genocide, if she tried, I wouldn't try to stop her anymore and would just let it happen.

I wonder if everything is just going to stay like this. For me, it would be fine if it continued this way. Kali is wonderful, Esther takes good care of me, and I don't need to do anything but enjoy what I already have.

But I can never stop thinking that so much could have been different. If I had just let Esther do whatever she wanted however she wanted, wouldn't everything have turned out better?

If I had let Esther do whatever she wanted from the beginning, we would have ended up in the current situation without me having so many problems. Both results kind of end with me belonging completely to Esther.

Was all the effort and suffering I went through really worth it to end up like this in the end? It could have been worse, but it also could have been so much better.

"I wonder if more problems will happen in the future..." I stand up, looking around. There's not much to do here, so I just wander, thinking about life.

"..." I trip over the hands on the floor and end up falling, but I can't find the strength to get up. I just lie there on the ground.

'I'm tired... how do they manage?' I don't understand how other nymphs can deal with all of this. So many emotions are so exhausting.

Just to keep from collapsing, I need to stay still in this place. Maybe that's why nymphs sleep for millennia? I don't know, but I just roll on this wet floor, staring at the clear blue sky.

"I'm 24 years old... I only remembered my past life at 18... I lived in this world suffering bullying from the servants for a long time... I was treated like a failure for so many years."

"...I fought hard to get past that awful label. I became queen and stopped Esther... all of it to survive..." I look at my hands. Why did I want so badly to survive? I didn't even have anything.

I had no family, I no longer had the world where I was born. All I had was my life, and even that wasn't mine because the "Original Evelyn" orchestrated everything for me to replace her.

Looking now at this blood-soaked environment, I realize how my life doesn't have, never had, and probably never will have the value I gave it.

These last few years after the war, I thought a lot about everything, and maybe it's because I'm a nymph and can see others' emotions, I realized that lives have no value.

There are billions to trillions of different life forms in the world, all driven by very similar things. Something is only valuable when it's "unique" or scarce.

But life in general isn't scarce, much less unique. Even though each person's individuality is unique, individuality isn't life. Life itself is extremely abundant.

Love, pain, hatred, sadness, joy — during that coronation I saw thousands of emotions, and they all practically merged into one amalgam, not because people understood each other, but because the emotion is the same.

Only the intensity changes. Ever since all of this happened, Esther has been the only one I've seen with a "unique" emotion, a suffocating level of obsession in her colors.

Looking back now, isn't Esther the protagonist? In the game, Esther always won. Grace could go down any route, and could do all of Esther's routes, and Esther would still end up winning and committing a global genocide.

And even in the only route where she was "defeated" by Evelyn, she was still alive and later destroyed the world when she increased her power.

And now that it's no longer a game, Esther still won everything. She got everything she wanted. She rules the entire kingdom, she governs everyone, she has me, she's satisfied.

Isn't the protagonist the one who should always end up winning at some point? Why do I feel like I only lost? No matter the things I achieved, in the end they all pushed me toward becoming one of Esther's possessions.

If everything I did simply gave Esther the future she wanted, then Grace or I were never "protagonists." Everything was always about Esther, whether in the game or in this world I live in now.

From the very beginning, Esther's power always favored her. The universe was always on her side, as if she were some kind of chosen one. It makes me question the value of my effort.

Was I just another piece of Esther's destiny? An object that guided her fate toward obtaining me in the most favorable scenario? Esther ignores this completely, but I feel like it's so unfair to me.

Because it makes it impossible for me to know if I actually achieved anything real, or if everything was always meant to be this way because of Esther. This kind of thinking draws me closer and closer to Arial and Nerina.

If everything is based on Esther winning, then wouldn't all that's left be for me to satisfy whatever my desires are in a selfish way, ignoring others?

Arial and Nerina were selfish. They lived only for themselves. But now I understand them, just as I understand Esther. Esther always wanted to destroy the world because she felt it was fake, that she didn't want to be part of a "predefined script" by greater beings.

And now I feel almost the same, but the difference is that it's not a greater being — it's Esther. She's the problem in this whole equation, a strange and enigmatic existence.

Even the fact that I suffer is 100% her fault, because the Original Evelyn used Esther's powers to bring me here. If Esther didn't exist, my life would be the same human life from the past.

If Esther didn't exist, my life would be better. But I can no longer live without this woman. It's a paradox that drives me insane. Every aspect of my life is shaped by Esther's powers.

My birth into this world, the game, the journey between worlds, my reincarnation, my current life, everything I fought for — every little piece of my story had a direct or indirect influence from Esther.

Am I really alive? Do I really have any free will over my choices when everything is moved to favor that woman? If everything I have that's mine is the fact that I'm a nymph...

Then wouldn't all that's left for me be to act exactly like those monsters? Esther is dependent on me, but she's happy and satisfied. Her being dependent on me was never a problem for her.

Even her dependence makes her happy, while I was left with all the weight, all the problems, all the emotional burden. And even my pain is something that satisfies her, because as long as I'm broken, she can take care of me as if I were a doll.

I don't know if I have this kind of thought because I have depression or if it's just because I'm sad and angry at the life I have, but it's something I can't help thinking about — what my life would be like if [Esther] had never, ever existed at any point in history.

Sometimes I have dreams. Dreams where I'm that human oblivious to everything. Dreams where I step away from the computer and stop isolating myself in my room. Dreams where I talk to my mom and dad and get help for my antisocial behavior.

Where I leave the house and make friends, get into advanced studies, complete them, and get a job with friends and a loving family. A future that could exist.

These dreams leave a bitter taste in my mouth, because during them everything feels fake, too perfect, too empty — like being in a desert while it rains hard all around you, but it never rains exactly where you are, and when you try to reach the water, it pulls away from you.

Even in this moment, I know, Esther is doing lewd things with my body. Whether I'm asleep, awake, sad — it doesn't matter if Esther wants something.

I know I don't refuse because of emotional dependence. If she asks for something, I'll do it. But even if I weren't dependent on her, I would still let her do it, because she always gets what she wants.

"How stupid... I've become the monster I used to despise... and I can't stop repeating something I already know... why, why do I keep thinking nonstop about how everything is Esther's fault? Am I such a horrible wife..." I'm exactly like Nerina and Arial. Not in personality, not in attitude, but in existence. Or the future me will end up even worse.

Even more dependent on Esther, even more bitter, even colder, even more apathetic toward other lives that don't matter to me. It's a fate I can't escape, and one that will make Esther happy as always.

"I'm... so sick of this..."