Novel Full Chapter 132 - Discussion
Benladann POV
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My emotions are a turmoil. I don't know when I fell asleep, but it might have been a bit after something surged out from the ground.
Something… Big and made of metal…
It was strange… But Drake said it was a "mech" or something.
And when that voice… within this mech said something…
Something about…
Ah…
Ungh…
N-Now I remember…
My parents… are dead.
This reality hurts so much… I don't want to accept it. I don't really want to accept it…
Please, make it stop…
I don't want to…
No…
Mama… papa…
Why? Why did you have to die?
I should have never left…
Without you what will I do? Where will I go?
I miss them… I miss them so much…
Ah…
It feels as if I am about to be torn apart by the pain I feel, it feels like I want to kill myself, this pain is so big it makes me want to go insane…
I don't want to live anymore… Without them I-
"Why are you getting like this now? After all that talk over that stupid dragon, now you're forgetting about him?"
Eh?
Dragon… Ah, Drake…
"Yeah, Drake. Did you forget about him? He beat me to a pulp."
No… I could never… forget about him… I…
But… Hahh… My mind… my heart… my everything… it hurts so badly…
"I know how you feel. I can feel all your emotions, sister…"
Do you feel all my emotions? Yet… you made me suffer so much before? Why? Why are you like this and why are you showing up now from all things? Only in my dreams…
What do you want now? To make me feel even worse?
"I wanted to protect you, so I was willing to bear the pain…"
Why do you care?
Why are you here…
"I never disappeared… I was always here. I will always be here. I am… a part of you, your sister, Miranda…"
Call me by my name! Call me by the name that my parents gave me!!!
"…Benladann."
…
You said it…
"I did…"
Sigh…
"L-Look, I don't want to make you feel worse. I was just noticing how you were forgetting about the stupid dragon, so I reminded you of him for you…"
Yeah… I can see that…
I don't know why I forgot about him…
Ah… It must be because of the pain… So much pain…
This is perhaps an even worst pain…
"Hm… Pain… I am already used to it… Are you?"
…Maybe.
I feel… so strange.
Is this when you simply live with the pain?
Ah…
W-Wait…
Within my fuzzy memories… Drake… he… he helped me put my parent's souls inside my weapons…
He did that… for me…
He…
Ugh, I should stop being like this, I have to wake up, quickly…
I want to meet him… I want to thank him for this too…
Drake…
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Miranda POV
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She left… I guess I am here once more…
Time to… stare at the abyssal void.
Hahh…
I also feel bad, Benladann…
But I guess it is hard for you to relate to a monster like me, right? Yeah, it is rather obvious…
I just… wanted to protect you back then…
Do you know? I was never taught a lot of stuff… I didn't know… that it hurt so much…
Maybe what I needed is something whose concept I didn't know…
But that thing is what the dragon taught me… As I saw through your eyes how he took care of you…
I didn't understand at first why would he do this with a complete stranger.
But I… began to understand that he had something I lacked a lot.
Empathy.
Can I… develop empathy?
I think I am developing it slowly.
By just thinking about what I did… I can feel it within me… It hurts a lot.
Is this the horrible pain I made you go through, Benladann?
I can tell…
Hahh… What have I done?
What am I anyway?
An alien? Benladann's soul? Her mind? A split personality?
What am I really?
Even after everything… I don't even understand it well.
I think that I might be her… but…
I just told her the truth, that I cannot go away from her…
But she repulses me, I suppose it is fair after all I did… I am not even worth her time.
Ah… But without her, what do I do? What am I even?
I have to do something… or simply… fall asleep for eternity?
Is this… what she wants?
Ah…
No…
Don't leave me behind…
I also want to be with you, Benladann…
I also want to explore this world with you…
I am sorry… I just didn't know…
I… There are no excuses, I guess…
What can I do for her to know that I am sorry? I have to do something… Something that could help her…
But what can I even do? I am… something that only causes harm.
Without her… I am merely nothing… I am… just… empty.
I walk into the endless void… And continue walking, endlessly.
Until one day, I feel tired, and I rest in the darkness.
It feels… cold.
Will I be alone forever…?
What… do I do…?
I should really just die… right?
That would make her happy…
I just want her to be happy…
After all of this… she must be in so much pain…
I wish I could die… So I can make everyone happy at last…
So I won't be there to annoy everyone… And so I can… not annoy her new life.
I am just an annoying… thing.
I wish I could die… To disappear forever… and to be swallowed by the void.
But as much as I wish… I cannot disappear. And even when I want to sleep, I can't sleep either.
Let me disappear…
Let me die…
I don't want to exist anymore…
But why?!
Why can't I die?!
Let me go away from her life!
Why…?
Why can't I?
What do I even do then…
Just let me disappear…
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