Day One Thousand Two Hundred And Three

Dear Diary,

I'm desperately trying not to lose my shit right now.

Not in any kind of self-hating way. Not really. Mostly in a 'bitch said what' kind of way.

Because even though I know bitch was just making up the most unhinged shit she could, shit that is so common that anybody could believe it, I'm hella pissed that she said it about me.

I think what's worst of all is that every single one of the false claims throws doubt on the hundreds, even thousands of legitimate ones.

I'm also painfully familiar with the old 'every accusation is a confession' thing. Which, given that Aisling is her daughter, and was abused in the absolute most horrific way possible, that is a strong suggestion that Tallulah's nemesis is in fact the one who abused her. Fuckin' DiscoMilf McBadtouch levels of atrocity happening, and bitch points her finger at me.

I'm really not sure at this point which has me more pissed off, that she did that shit, that she made a false accusation, or that she pointed that shit at me.

No. No, that's not really true. Honestly, that's pretty much the order of offensiveness, the depth of atrocity here. Because pointing accusations at me at this point are more or less meaningless. There's no system of justice in this world that can apply consequences to me. I mean, other than the Alliance justice system, and that's more because I'm fully willing to suborn myself to whatever system of justice my Kitten has put in place.

Fuck. I wonder if this is what billionaires felt like back in the day.

At any rate, her accusing me, especially while saying I'm a dude, is almost stupid enough to be funny despite how offensive it is.

Her making a false accusation is pretty atrocious. Not just because of 'oh, that will ruin somebody's life', because while it can have a bunch of social consequences, I've seen way too often where some dude who actually did that shit walks away without consequence because his friends all believe he's not the kind of dude who would do that. Or worse, he only hangs out with other rapists or wannabe rapists, which means he doesn't give a shit if somebody points the finger at him until and unless the cops decide he's brown or queer enough to arrest for that shit.

Nah, the reason I think it's atrocious has less to do with the impact on the accused as the impact on every other woman who's experienced sexual assault of any kind, because you know every single asshole out there has a fuckin' index of every accusation that's been 'proven false'. Because fuck, so many of the ones that just don't stand up in criminal court wind up getting called 'false', despite the asshole's family paying out hush money instead of taking their chances in civil court. Or worse, losing the civil court case while somehow skating on the criminal charges.

So yeah, pointing a finger at me is almost negligible. Making a false accusation is some serious shit. But actually raping somebody? Or doing any of the whole fuckin' laundry list that might not technically fit the definition of 'rape', but are clearly a sexually related violation of Agency, of Consent. Okay, some of that shit might not be sexual in nature, not from an objective standpoint, but they're still, I dunno, violations of bodily autonomy and Agency and Consent and all that good shit.

Like, I get it, there are whole fuckin' courses on interpersonal interaction from back in the day that taught people to put their hands on other people as a way to 'show dominance' in social settings. Hands, shoulders, backs, mostly, and not in overtly creepy ways. But just because something isn't overtly creepy doesn't make it acceptable, because not every social interaction ought to be a fuckin' pissing contest to see whose dick has a higher throughput.

Yeah, as might be inferred from my inability to let the subject lie, this gets me worked up. That said, some of that shit isn't 'sexual assault', but it's clearly an attempt to remove somebody else's Agency, and frankly that's the worst fuckin' part of sexual assault and rape, at least in my opinion. Then again, I am vehemently sex positive, so the actual sexual activity part of it is, at least for me, an annoying chore at absolute worst. A sex repulsed Ace person might be just as traumatized, just as violated by the actual intercourse as they are by the Agency violation.

But out of 'accusing me', 'false accusation', and 'raping her own minor child', I'm gonna put those, respectively, on a scale of one to ten, where one is 'mildly annoying' and ten is 'so far beyond the moral event horizon you can't see it from there', at one, four, and 'fuck you, I'm adding some fuckin' exponents here'.

As noted. Pissed off at the moment. Also, tryin' not to let it set me off too much, because I know myself. I was there on the Autumn Equinox. If I let myself, I would cut my way through every Human Adjacent person between me and that bitch, then do shit that might traumatize somebody just reading about it, let alone watching or doing it. Which, to be clear, I am willing to do in order to get Vengeance for my little Aisling.

On the other hand, I saw those char grilled scars across Angel's chest.

Hurting myself to make sure some bitch who'd do that to her own kid Finds Out? That I will absolutely do.

Harming innocents to do so? Yeah, I think I made it clear in the Book of Vengeance that's a non-starter.

So after yesterday's Revel, which was mostly a 'welcome to the world' party for Muiris, I spent the remainder of the day in Newark training the Cadets in how to do unto some motherfucker who needs being done unto. Of course, I was in a bit of a mood, albeit a mixed one, what with discovering that shit about Aisling and her dam on the same day my new son showed up in the world.

"Good Morning Cadets!" When that got an adequate response, I continued with, "My son was born late yesterday, so I'm in a good mood!" Yeah, half the class cheered that. Well, okay, they all put in a cheer, but for the smart ones it was purely pro forma. "So today, as a kind of celebration, I'm gonna teach you Cadets a whole list of ways to take somebody out without doing potentially lethal harm to them!"

Yeah, I know, the combat techniques I adapted from the Marital Arts book really do push up against those 'might not be appropriate' buttons, but as I said back when I introduced them, if a Hero has to use one rather than just asking politely, that means the other options are likely to inflict some serious long term physical harm as opposed to some psychological trauma. It's all about gradual escalation until the other side backs down, about using the smallest possible force to prevent someone from doing something that'll hurt someone.

At any rate, amused myself a little teaching them that shit. Funny thing, they all wound up seeming like anything non lethal was way more to their taste than the lethal shit I'd taught them previously. Gotta maybe think on that, because in a life or death fight, hesitation means death, and I do not want the eventual death of those Newark Cadets on my hands.

Got home, got dinner, which was a whole assed variety pack of pizza, and wound up pissed off again. Had to hide it, too, because showing Aisling that I was pissed about her downing all the crusts from every kid within reach who didn't want them wouldn't be right either.

I keep telling myself that I don't want to do any more of that hyper violent atrocity shit to people, but then some bitch comes along and whispers how much she deserves it, how much she wants it, how good it would feel to shove her head directly up her own cooch, and I know that I'm gonna wind up with a shit pot of guilt at some future date, all because of shit I ultimately didn't stir.

Yeah, I think my ladies realized exactly how pissed off I was. Because Saffron orchestrated a whole assed thing. First she had Karen bring Cherry, Giselle, and both boys to the Bath, where the Kid Collective gathered around the two of them and Aoibh and played 'let the baby splash until she needs a tit to attach to'. Meanwhile Saffron and Siobhan snuggled in on either side of me and held me still to let the hottest of our Bath's water and the sight of our kids playing relax me, reduce the constant pain of my scars.

Of course, Tallulah and Marie Co-Located me to the Bedroom. All I'm gonna say is that I'm glad that when Conrad builds something, he builds it to last, because the Bedroom activities were definitely 'you must be this serially immortal to ride this ride' kinda shenanigans. Okay, I'm not sure I'm serially immortal, but I'm also the one rocking double digit exponents on my Endurance Attribute, so that's kinda moot.

Time passes oddly in the Bedroom, and an eternity of shit to make a Cenobite blush passed before the kids were all tucked into bed. Tallulah and Marie ran me through the showers again before the three of us joined the rest of the family in bed.

"Sorry," I whispered.

Before Tallulah could reply, Marie quietly groaned out, "Don't Be." Then, before I could argue, she added, "So Good."

So, my vague guilt over how rough we'd all three gotten banished, I fell asleep. Dreamt of my ladies all making much of Marie and Tallulah. At least until Cherry and Giselle showed up, at which point they all snuggled in around them.

Woke up this morning still vaguely annoyed, but no longer a rogue WMD waiting to go off. Good thing, too, because I really didn't want to be in a bad mood while teaching Calverton's ruler. Which... Now that I think about it, I'm really not sure what her technical Title is, I feel some kinda way about asking, and Inspecting her to find out seems both wildly illegal and rude.

But she's getting better with Algebra. Maybe even enough to start Calc soon.

Of course, I really did not expect Furtim to drop our Troll Girls off in the morning, but she did, with a simple, "education is important," as her whole explanation.

Guess she's planning on coming to family therapy again tomorrow.