Day One Thousand Two Hundred And Eight

Dear Diary,

I know I've gotten kinda contemplative over my time here and now. Today I'm kinda wondering why.

I mean, I'm not precisely upset about it. Sometimes it kicks off my depression, yeah, but more often than not I think it's managed to turn that depression into some useful insights or even just let me spiral to a quiet restful state instead of crashing so hard I'm utterly useless for some indefinable amount of time.

Of course, I think maybe it's because of what I told Siobhan back before our date. Back when I first showed her what I really am. I know back then I thought of it as who I really am, but I've realized something between now and then. Who I am hasn't really Changed. I mean, okay, yeah, I've Changed, but every Change has just been natural growth and maturation over time. Self-discovery and shit like that.

Okay, yes, being isekaied isn't a natural kind of Change, but all the others since then have just been me learning more about myself. Either learning about my new physical form... Huh. I dunno if it's a physical form or metaphysical form or whatever, but learning about that, learning about who I am as a mom, as a partner, and as a person, and I think maybe most importantly of all who I want to be.

Well, who I want to be, who I think I should be. Maybe who I think I need to be.

Because yeah, I've got the feeling that at some point the avalanche that I've become will at some point... I don't want to say 'die out' or anything like that. Both because I'm trying to come to terms with being immortal and also because some part of me never really thought I'd live into my twenties, and I don't want to fuck that up now. But at some point I think the world, this world that I've found myself in as the incarnation of Change, will find a balance. Yeah, shit Changes, but that doesn't mean that nothing is durable, that nothing is reliable.

There's a word for it. Dynamism, maybe? The idea that eventually, with everything Changing all the time, people and societies and even the world itself adapts. Adapts not just to the Changes, but the fact that they're happening all the time. Instead of being the oak tree or the rock or the big solid wall, the world becomes the tumbleweed, or the bird in flight, or the willow tree, I guess. Yeah, it's a scarier way to live, but at the same time it's the only way to grow, to become more than we were, because for whatever reason I don't think Entropy was in that box with me.

Fuck, I wonder if Indech or one of his kids is technically Entropy. Daelbeth might be, I think flame is kinda entropic. Not sure.

At any rate, and yeah, my head is all over the place because I'm kinda sliding to that resting state after the ladies washed all that sand out, but along with having to adjust to being immortal, I'm also having to adjust from being fundamentally utterly incapable of altering the world in any meaningful way to being the, as noted, literal incarnation of Change. I can and in fact will Change the world no matter what I do, so I've got to make sure that not only are any conscious Changes I make to my world and myself ones that are, on balance, good ones, and by that I mean they leave the world a better place than I found it, I need to make sure that whatever my subconscious 'perfect paradise' is doesn't involve anybody getting consequences they don't deserve.

I almost said 'anybody having a bad time', but let's face it, at this point Tallulah's plate licker has earned herself some time in the oubliette at the very least.

Speaking of, I wound up having an interesting conversation today. Midway through the Math lesson in Norfolk, and yes Furtim brought the Troll girls and the girls from the Homestead to join in, Tallulah pinged me.

Tabitha? I believe Hat is ready to make a deal with us.

"Maze? Could you take over for me here for a second?" When she took over showing the Troll girls how to simplify fractions, I stepped over to help some of the newer kids with simple repetitive stuff like times tables, then Co-Located one of me to the oubliette. "Has he been in there this whole time?"

Before she could answer, the Fae themself answered through the grating. "The bed is soft, the food is good, and none seek to harm me. Were I not in dire need of entertainment, I might stay here a fortnight without complaint."

Tallulah just shrugged, so I looked down into the oubliette through the grating. Something looked off until my sense of scale registered that Hat couldn't be more than three feet tall, and was probably closer to two. Struck by sudden curiosity, I asked, "do you mind if I Inspect you?"

They just stared at me for a long ten count, then shrugged. "I find it odd that you'd ask, but with you treating me so graciously I choose to agree to your request."

"Nice." I extruded the Shape out of my cheek, which had them blinking at me, and I got what I wanted at a glance. Adult Gnome. "No offense intended, but one of my kids is part Gnome, and nobody really knows anything about them, so along with helping the Archmagi with their Shaping research, you mind awful much if one of them asks you some medical questions?"

They pursed their lips. "Gnome is..." They shook their head. "I sense no intend to offend from you, but know that most of my kind would take offense by one not of my kind using that term."

"Oh. Shit. Well. That's unfortunate. You mind answering those questions?"

They shrugged. "So long as none experiment on me, and I'm free to seek some form of entertainment when my interrogators have no need of me, I see no difference in them asking about my Shaping or my health."

"Okay." I looked at Tallulah. "I'm guessing you've already worked out the details of the contract with them?"

She shook her head. "I thought it best that you be here for the discussion." She smiled at me. I'll handle the negotiations and wording, but if you're here, listening, Hat may feel us bound more strongly by the agreement.

I mean, we're not gonna fuck him over, right? At her raised eyebrow, i tried to clarify. We're going to deal in good faith with him, hold up our end of the bargain, and all that good stuff, right?

She nodded so slightly I wasn't sure I'd seen it. As you wish, let it be so.

"Okay, Hat. I'm here to witness and make sure we don't promise anything we can't deliver, but Tallulah's my legal expert, so she's gonna bargain this out with you, okay?"

He tensed up a little, then very clearly took himself in hand and relaxed. "Negotiating with the Overlord of Rich Man's Port, head of House Crow, Greatdaughter of The Morrigan herself. If I'm not a slave in truth by the end of this day, I'll count myself lucky indeed." He paused, looked up at her, and said, "shall we begin?"

Turns out the oubliette will actually keep a prisoner contained even if the trapdoor is open. Tallulah and I dropped into the room with Hat not long after the two of them started negotiating, but only after Karen brought us a whole assed charcuterie board, including three mugs and a pitcher of what tasted like super low proof wine cooler, or maybe hard lemonade.

After a whole assed day of listening to the two of them dicker and bicker over details that I not only would have missed, but would have maybe killed Hat and hidden the body in my Maw for dragging out over half an hour each, I was not in the greatest of moods, but I wasn't a rampaging rage beast waiting to happen or anything. Just bored out of my fuckin' skull.

"Well?"

I blinked. "Deep subject." When nobody laughed, I asked, "well what?"

She nodded at where I'd been taking notes. I didn't even really remember starting. Skills for the win. "Is that contract fully acceptable to you?"

I scanned it, then got a rush of brains to the head and looked at Hat. "You mind if the other two Archmagi look over the contract before we agree to it?"

He shrugged, then paused. "Are they Fae?"

"No."

"Are they more likely to adhere to the letter of our deal should they read it beforehand?"

I nodded firmly. "Oh, hell yes. My Kitten is all about the fine print and everything, really. I mean, Siobhan's likely to try and be nice about stuff and give you the benefit of the doubt anyway, but..." I realized he'd started looking a little worried. "Yes. Yes, I believe they would."

"Then please do have them review it."

Kitten? Darling? Need you in the oubliette for a bit.

A few moments later they stepped in. Weirdest thing about the oubliette has to be how Translocating in is fine if the trapdoor is open, but Translocating out is right out. I mean, it makes sense, but after a Season of studying Advanced Shaping for reals, I have no fuckin' clue how that would work.

"Good day to you, Hat."

He froze, then looked at me. "I'm alone in a room with three Archmagi and a Primordial."

"Yeah, and?"

"I think I may be in danger."

Saffron laughed, the sound sultry and rich, interrupting Siobhan's instinctive attempt to reassure our guest. "Oh, Hat. Should you deal in good faith with us, most especially with our Goddess? You are safer here and now than you have ever been in your life." She paused, her smile shifting to a Grin that left me shuddering just a little, and I could not tell you if it was from fear, from desire, or both. "But should you seek to deal in bad faith, or harm any our Goddess cares about? It matters not where you are or who you are with, you will never know a moment's peace for the rest of your life."

Yeah. She thinks I'm the one who makes scary threats.

Okay, mine might be scarier, but hers are sexier. I decided.