Day One Thousand One Hundred And Thirty-Seven

Dear Diary,

I'm not okay. I'm not even close to okay. I'm still reeling from my mothers... Betrayal, I guess.

That's not the only thing that's got me not okay, but it's the easier part to think about. It's got less room for me to wallow in guilt.

Not no room. Have you met me? I think the only reason I wasn't drowning in guilt yesterday was that I didn't have time, didn't have attention to spare. For damn near twenty-four hours, I'd had to focus the entirety of my will on keeping her from escaping from my Maw. Keeping her from 'purging the corruption' in me. Keeping her from killing my family.

Her family, although apparently she didn't see it that way. Okay, yeah, she thought Menace was okay, but apparently even my kits were 'too corrupted'. Fuck, I'm not sure whether Menace passed muster because she's damn near as dangerous as the two of us, or because there's some little spark of murderhobo in my Menace. In my little baby girl Isnomi, who is now far closer to all grown up than I ever really thought I'd see.

Fuck again. I'm gonna have to... I need to... I should tell her.

I'm not sure II can.

I think the worst part of all of it is that I'm not even sure my ladies know how much I'm hurting. How not okay I am. This isn't as bad as Yule, at least I keep telling myself that, because I'm not hiding at the bottom of the M-Space Atlantic Ocean. But then, I don't really need to. I've maybe done a lot of growing up since then; therapy has been good for me, for the whole family. I might even be learning to direct the Changes that happen around me maybe a little.

But all that's a digression from the fat that I haven't told my kids, and I don't think my ladies realize how bad off I am.

Because I'm not just not hiding on the bottom of the Ocean. I'm almost functional.

Fuck, I think I handled this more effectively, more maturely, than anything I've done before.

The Song of Impending Loss trailed off late yesterday afternoon. I hovered there in M-Space, covered in sweat, feeling like I ought to be spent, but somehow not tired. For the first time since I shoved my mother into my Maw, I turned to look at my ladies. My High Clergy, because all of them were here. Not just the eight Human Adjacent ones, but eight more Great Kraken hovering around them as well, swimming in air as easily as water here in M-Space.

Thank you.

That got a flustered burst of odd motion-images from the Kraken, followed a moment later by my ladies, my High Clergy, clustering around me. Saffron first. Always Saffron. She drifted up and touched me, then threw her arms around me, which set the others off. In moments I was the center of a mass of women and Kraken, all of them reaching out to touch me, hold me, hold each other.

That's when I realized. All of them were here. Here in the flesh. Before I even thought the words, you shouldn't be here, I stepped us all to the Courtyard.

Of course we should, love. We are your High Clergy. Your most devoted servants.

Siobhan cut in at that point. Those you have chosen to impose your gentle, implacable will upon the world.

For whatever reason, Siobhan's simple statement set off a wave of motion-imaging from the Kraken, which got no better when Tallulah followed Siobhan by thinking, The ones you have chosen to stand beside and behind you, supporting and guarding you when you face threats that none of us could possibly stand against.

Karen's addition was simpler, a simple, Goddess, which was echoed by both Madeline and Orla.

Then Furtim chimed in with, Legate.

Then Marie kind of tilted things a little with a smile somehow both sad and triumphant and murmured, Vlickies.

I looked to the Great Kraken, somehow expecting them to say something. Well, think something, since I'm pretty sure that's why my ladies had been thinking rather than speaking. I know that's why I did it, even thought I felt a little bad that I might be, y'know, hurting them with the alienness of my thoughts or something like that. Their motion-imaging wasn't anything like the calm, reverent tone my Human Adjacent clergy had set. But Sister clearly took herself in hand, then tentatively thought, we are all... your Chosen?

It didn't take me more than half a second to decide my response, because even though I knew it meant more to them that it ever could to me, what I knew was how long I'd been the one nobody ever chose. Yeah. Yeah, you are.

I got the distinct impression that if my Great Kraken High Clergy had been anything like as malnourished as Siobhan when we met, they'd have wound up dropping to the Courtyard, M-Space or not. Instead they kinda erupted with a fireworks display of motion-imaging, tentacles and arms slithering over to touch me, to touch my ladies.

That's when I realized the sun had moved across the sky. Time moves oddly in M-Space. I sighed. Time to pick up the pieces. Ladies?

Saffron caught my intent as quickly as I'd decided on it. Go, love. We will abide.

I looked at Sister. Can you eight come with me for a moment?

They simultaneously motion-imaged a unanimous, YES!

I stepped us all to the Mortal Realm, just off the port side of the Black Dragon. I caught them and lowered them gently to the water, and if their motion-imaging wasn't quite as impressive in open air here in the Mortal Realm, they more than made up for it the moment they hit the water. I got the impression they were gossiping. No, not gossiping. Chattering back and forth, stuff like 'pinch me, I must be dreaming' and 'did she really say that'. But nothing bad.

I glanced up from the water to see the three Captains ready to be lowered down to a waiting longboat. No, not a longboat, but one of the Black Dragon's launches. I hovered over, realizing that despite how far I was from my Maw, I didn't feel the strain of having to fight leverage. I settled to the deck in front of them as they tried not to stare at me or the Great Kraken lighting up the water. "Hey guys."

Red managed to recover first. "Champion. We missed you today."

I wasn't sure what I was gonna say when I opened my mouth, but somehow I managed, "sorry. Family emergency."

John nodded, clearly understanding some things came first. "I hope everyone is well."

I shook my head. "There's been a death in the family."

Anne's face fell, but she nodded and said, "you have my condolences. Take all the time you need."

I shook my head. "There... There'll be time for that when the negotiations are done. Or maybe Friday night. Or Sunday." I realized I'd started babbling, then said, "I'll see you in the morning."

The three of them looked at each other, then back to me, and just nodded.

One duty done, i stepped away. To the other one. To my Temple, my Altar in Norfolk. To where Olga sat on the hill, staring out at the bay. In that moment, I saw her not as a Queen, but as a woman waiting for news of her child. I thought about what I'd think if one of my kids disappeared. If the person returning had the news I had. I sighed, and she heard, her gaze snapping to me in an instant.

"Goddess." She stopped and choked out. "News?"

I nodded.

With an expression and tone that told me she knew the answer, she asked, "Good news?"

I shook my head. Then stepped closer, close enough to Mimic her Size. Well, most of it. I think I subconsciously assumed she'd be the Jotnar equivalent of Orla, a big, strong woman, where I maybe came up to her nose. She tensed.

I said. "Your son is dead. I'm sorry."

I held out my arms as she jerked like I'd slapped her. A moment later she realized why I'd shifted size, why I'd held my arms out, and she collapsed into my arms, weeping.

It lasted way less than I thought it was. More a long hug than anything before she pulled away, her mouth firming into a thin line. "How."

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath. "My mother killed him. Erased him from existence."

She worked her jaw, like she wanted to say something. I knew what she wanted. What she needed. What she couldn't bring herself to ask for, because she was a Queen beholden to the Alliance, and I was the Patron Goddess of that Alliance, and Domnu was my mother.

So I told her. "I found her. She confessed. I killed her." She didn't need to hear about everything else Domnu had done, had said.

She looked more stunned than when I'd told her Willy was dead. Her jaw just dropped open, and she sat down on the hillside with an echoing thump. "You... You have done this for me?"

I shrugged. I wasn't gonna lie to her, even if I wanted to. "More than just one reason. But yeah. That was part of it."

She sat there for a bit, and I realized she wasn't really a hugger, or someone who needed to cry on shoulders a lot. Not a lot of shoulders that could handle her crying on them. As I shrank down to normal size, she asked, "can you Revive him?"

I shook my head. "I don't think she left a body. Or a Soul. I... If I'm wrong, I will."

"So he won't be coming back."

"Probably not."

She took a deep breath, then quietly asked, "will she?"

"No."

We stayed like that for a while, her sitting on the hillside, me standing next to her. Finally she said, "good."

I nodded. The sun had gone down, and my kids were probably in the Bath by now. "If you need anything. Anything at all. Just let Mads now, okay?"

She nodded, and I stepped home.

I'd been wrong. Dinner had started late, and been bigger than normal in any case, with the Lancasters visiting. All three adults, both kids, all three Maenads. As they greeted me with waves and nods, and Saffron nodded to my seat, I thought, you brought my Champion here?

She smiled sadly. A sword, no matter how swift and strong the arm wielding it, would not have helped with Domnu, but he could keep our Children safe.

I pulled her to me, and Marie slipped a plate of chicken tendies and sweet gravy in front of me.

It... tasted like nothing.

I ate it anyway.

I Dreamt of my ladies walking widdershins around my Maw, wearing Glowing Midnight and spiraling slowly inward as they dissolved.

They tasted like nothing too.