Day One Thousand One Hundred And Thirty-Nine

Dear Diary,

Yeah, I'd say I haven't been looking forward to tonight, but that would imply I've thought about it in the slightest since Tuesday.

Kinda funny. Back when I first started my Revels I rarely thought about anything else. I mean, my reasons changed, and I forgot about them a lot, but I kinda obsessed over them. At first because I felt guilty about it. That whole raised in a neopuritan society eating at me, telling me that it was a bad thing to share myself like that. Then, once i got over that, I kinda obsessed about every detail of every interaction with my Worshippers being perfect, because if they had that much faith in me, I had to live up to that faith.

I guess I still kinda do that, what with occasionally cancelling when I'm messed up in some way that I don't think Worship will help. Like right after Yule I wound up staying home for like two months, just focusing on family as I recovered.

Hell, maybe that's what I need to do now. Just hide away with my family until... Fuck, I dunno. Until I don't feel so empty inside.

Until I can taste things again.

But I've got shit I need to do. Shit people are counting on me for. The stenographer thing in the negotiations, not to mention being a very pointed reminder that the English... No, can't forget that, the Thames Pirates got themselves outmaneuvered, outgunned, and mousetrapped by what is, effectively, our third string. That one, the Tentacles, they might be able to fight. I have confidence in our ships, our crews, our Heroes, and my High Clergy, so I'm sure they'd lose, but they would be losing a fight they have some way to comprehend. Shit, even losing against the Black Dragon is something they can, if they stretch their heads the right way, comprehend. After all, she's a ship, even if she's both bigger than any ship they've ever seen and made of steel better than most armor to boot.

But then there's me. The one the Deities of this world don't really understand. None of the ones that are left, anyhow. My mother might have. Honestly, I think she did. I think that's why she sealed me in a box that never had a key, then hid that box at the ass end of all creation, because she understood what I was. The one thing that could kill her.

Then again... No.

No, I think she did understand, and that scared her, and when she realized that her daughter, the one that scared her, was inextricably linked to the Mortals who were so far beneath her she couldn't understand them any more than they understood her, she knew she had to sever that link or die trying.

Fuck, I'm not sure if I realized this or said it before, because I haven't been tracking all that well, but I think maybe she thought that either way, she was helping me. Purifying me or feeding me. If there was any maternal instinct in her whatsoever, that might have been her goal.

I just don't know. I'll never know. Not unless there's some greater part of her deep down and far away, somewhere outside of Time, that I didn't eat.

Which... I don't think there was. No idea why, I just don't.

But I've got to keep on with the negotiations, and if I can't hide away, I might as well keep on with all my other jobs. Teaching. Cooking. Bodyguarding.

Paying intimate attention to my Worshippers.

So all day yesterday I worked on tonight's dinner for my family. What with it being Friday, I decided tonight would be Pizza night. I can't tell you how long I've relied on Marie to make the crust, because I'd never really managed to get that right before. No idea why, just couldn't get the stretchiness right. Wonder of wonders, I not only managed that today, I also hit the cracker crust I remembered from one too many super cheap store brand frozen pizzas, because I kind of felt nostalgic for it. Like, the stuff was barely better than a struggle pizza of saltines, ketchup, and parmesan cheese, but nostalgia knows no limits. I also did a pastry crust for something like I remember of Chicago deep dish. Which, to be clear, I've got no idea if it was actual Chicago deep dish or not, but it was a pizza pie in a pastry crust, sauce and big chunky topping ingredients with a cheesy top crust. Between three different crusts, four different sauces, and three different sets of toppings, I had a huge spread laid out when I brought the kids home.

So it wasn't all that hard to sneak Aisling and Hailee off to my office.

"Mama?"

I looked down at the two, and addressed Aisling first. "Will you be okay here at home tonight?"

She slumped, then shrugged, but eventually whispered, "... kay ..."

I shook my head a little, then turned to Hailee. "Was she better after last week?"

"She was, Mama."

I sighed. "Do you think it would help if she came along tonight?"

She pursed her lips, something I'd never seen Marie do. Not really. My kits have a bit more facial mobility than Maenads, at least. Eventually she nodded. "I believe so, Mama."

"Okay then." Marie? A moment later she was there. "Can you chaperone these two in the restaurant tonight?"

She looked down at them, very carefully not glaring at all, just making sure they knew her eyes would be on them. Then she nodded.

Aisling tugged at my pant leg. "... Ria? Maze? ..."

I sucked my teeth a little. "Do you need them along?" I glanced at Hailee as well. "Either of you?"

Aisling shrugged. Hailee shook her head. "Well then. For tonight, just the two of you. Aisling, if things get too much, Marie can bring you back here. Hailee, you keep an eye on your sister, if she's in trouble and can't tell Marie, I'm relying on you."

"Okay, Mama." I could tell she had a question, so I just waited. "If she is well, may I watch?"

I rubbed at my face with both hands. "Why do you want to watch?"

"I may... Will likely have Worshippers of my own someday."

That... That did not make me copacetic, that my Divine daughters might wind up learning from me in terms of Deity Worshipper relations. Then, as I was trying to think of a reason to tell her no, I realized that I wasn't thinking of her. I was thinking of how things made me feel. Not thinking about her. Or her future Worshippers. Or how so many of the Worshipper Deity relationships I'd seen were so fucked up, and how I'd done my best to do better.

In the end, that's really what being a parent is about, just teaching our kids everything we know so that when they hit the challenges we've hit, they can do better.

"Okay. Just remember, there's not one right way to interact with Worshippers. But at the end of the day, we're supposed to be there for them. They're the ones who make us what we are. They're not playthings."

She tilted her head, then with a smile that reminded me a little of Maze, said, "but you play with them?"

Luckily Marie took her by the ear at that point. "Scamp."

The three of them stepped to the restaurant in the Temple of Love, and I stepped to my Altar.

Only to find Karen and three of my Temple volunteers all waiting for me. Mercy, Giselle, and Dorothea.

"Weren't you here last week?"

Dorothea just looked at me, then held out her arms. As she did, I felt Siobhan arrive behind me. "Did you think we haven't noticed, Goddess?"

I spun, stumbling slightly and flopping down onto my Altar-throne as I did, looking up at Siobhan as Dorothea's arms wrapped around me in a hug, Mercy murmured, "you, too, deserve comfort, Goddess," into my ear, and Giselle hugged me from the side, her simple glomp covering half of my face in bosom.

I cried. I tried not to, but the first tears leaked out despite anything I could do.

I totally lost control and started sobbing as, for the first time in days, the taste of salt hit my tongue.