Novel Full Chapter 315 - 315 I Would Rather Die
Kat bit her lip. "Honestly, Callisto, I think I'd hate that. Vivian simply telling me it's alright. I think I'd worry forever that she thought worse of me for it but would never say"
Callisto gave a soft laugh, which she swiftly covered with a gloved hand. "You clearly haven't known Vivian as long as I have. I believe I told you about our shared history yes? The woodworking incident and the… other one. You should know Vivian is not afraid at all to simply speak her mind. She would not tell a true friend something she did not believe… she might be a bit soft on them, but at least she would not lie"
Kat shrugged. "I mean… it's one thing to 'know' it, and another to KNOW it, you know?"
Callisto sighed "Your horrible method of phrasing the options aside, I do at least understand the spirit of what you have said and agree with it. Still, knowing that I do not condemn you for your actions, and knowing Vivian likely will not, what part still gives you concern?"
Kat bit her lip again. "Well, I think I explained right? That the part that worries me is that I simply didn't care. Like… say you ripped a piece of paper, and be aware this is a bad analogy, I just can't think of a better one.
"Say you ripped a piece of paper. Well, you don't really care about that right? Then say… you ripped one of Vivian's papers. There isn't even anything on it, hasn't been used, completely fresh paper… but the fact that it's Vivian's means that it still bothers you. For me, I don't care at all that he died. I can't even find a shred of care for it… but I do care what you all think about the fact that I don't care, like you'd worry about Vivian's thoughts on the paper, even knowing it was silly."
Callisto narrowed her eyes as Kat spoke, eventually nodding before saying. "Yes… I suppose I do see what you mean. I am afraid that I am unable to help you with this one. I think I see the difference you are trying to make though. It isn't that you are comfortable with the decision, or even proud or distraught over it… you simply view it as a thing that happened like getting new groceries, or finding out Vivian didn't clean out the fridge"
"Wait Vivian cleans the fridge?" asked Kat in shock.
Callisto rapidly shook her head "God no, not anymore she doesn't. I mean, she did once upon a time, but… well, I say she 'cleaned' it in the past, but that was more like, she insisted that she help in some way in the kitchen and I gave her a job I thought even she couldn't screw up… well, I was wrong. Now I clean that too, and I'm much happier for it."
Kat opened her mouth to reply and then shut it. *I feel as though we've gone off topic but… that's fine maybe? I mean, it proves that Callisto really isn't that hung up on it… maybe I should go ahead and talk about the rest of the stuff. I'd say I care a bit more about that one then the bandit so here goes…*
"So… there's more to this I guess. Um, right so, shortly after we left the bandits we found the place we were looking for… did I mention that I had to help Xiang get revenge? Yes? No?... No? Ok, well, that's what we were doing…
Kat went on to explain to Vivian why she was at the Unchained Flaming Sect's compound, or a branch compound anyway, and what Xiang planned to do, as well as the steps she took and what ended up happening. She tried to give as much detail as she could on the happenings from after Xiang had stabbed her the first time and she re awoke. She managed to capture the broad strokes, but a lot of the details were missing, though Callisto could tell Kat had tried to cover everything she could.
"Hmmm, well that is certainly more quanderous than the bandits. There are many ways to look at the events that transpired there, and many more ways to determine if what you did was right. I suppose the simplest way would be to simply accept you were on a job, and that you did said job… passably.
"Not to say you made a mistake, killing children is unacceptable. While those who took up arms against you and Xiang should have been prepared for combat, children are not, but caring about them wasn't in your job description."
Kat blanched at the idea that anyone would think just letting the children get hurt was a good thing. "Now Kat, I can see the face you are making. Do not look aghast at me. Many people simply divorce themselves from the morality of things once they are ordered. Take the humble solider fighting for his country
"He did much the same as you, or perhaps, did even less. He killed many people, and endured horrible conditions, simply because that was his duty. A solider does not question when their commander tells them to shoot. They fire instantly and then reload the barrel no matter what.
"Do you mean to say that any solider is not a good person? Or perhaps, a better question is… do you think the soldiers in World War 1 or 2 were doing the wrong thing?"
Kat gulped. *How the heck did we get here? I just… well ok fine I guess deciding if you did the right thing is pretty complicated, so maybe this is relevant.* "I guess… it depends on what side of the war you are on?" guessed Kat
Callisto however, shook her head "That is a weak mindset Kat. Or at least, not a properly thought out one. Every solider in those war, or more accurately, most soldiers in those wars was fighting for the betterment of their country. Their home. You may think yourself more of a mercenary, but Xiang had a goal, a belief, that he was protecting his home."
*Huh… I didn't really think about that did I? I mean I kind of did… but more in the 'He's doing this for his home' then 'He believes he is making the world better' and sure I did use that argument that I was basically filling in for a police force in a way but… hmmm.*
"I guess he was but… I didn't have to accept helping him… and he went way off the deep end at the end there… but even then, I dunno if I should have killed Xiao or not. Sure Xiang did him in at the end, but I'm the one who fought him until Xiang got up and rampaged, I'm at least partially responsible for that.
"And really, he was just defending his home at the time. It isn't like I found him attacking children" said Kat
Callisto shrugged "Though that is something his group did? Right? Or at least allegedly so?"
"Um… I don't think Xiang was clear on that… he wasn't attacked, but… he seemed to imply most everyone else was…" said Kat
Callisto shrugged and said "Well, I suppose it doesn't really matter. I stand by the idea that you have done know wrong. Especially considering you feared the backlash from the debt you still have… which I guess you are taking on anyway, but that's fine you did not know this would happen"
"Yeah but… is that right?" asked Kat
Callisto shrugged "Well. I cannot know the truth of your heart and convince you of your path but I can tell you two things. Firstly, for almost all of human history, and most humans today, they have never been ashamed to do things to assure their survival. You feared the consequences of not accepting the contract, and at the very least, it wasn't something completely abhorrent, so I think you chose the easiest path to survival.
"The other thing I can tell, is that at some point, you need to decide on a code. Decide on every line you will not cross. Not just 'These are things I don't want to do' but, 'I would rather die than do this' type things. For example… hmm, this might be a bit gruesome in some ways, but if Vivian was about to be killed, perhaps stabbed, I would take that hit before I allowed her to die, every time.
"One of my 'I would rather die' is, 'I would rather die than allow permanent harm to befall Vivian'. Now, please don't misunderstand, I have no death wish, and I say permanent harm, but I suppose I more mean serious injury, for I am not so suicidal of stupid to believe that my death would not cause Vivian permanent harm in a different way
"However, should I deem some harm, more deadly, or more permanent I will not hesitate. I may not have a death wish, but I do have my lines. That is one of them."
Kat gulped as she looked at Callisto. She spoke about dying in Vivian's stead like she would the fact that the sun would rise tomorrow. It was simply a fact of Callisto's life.. And yet, when she spoke of her knowledge that her own death would lead to a different kind of harm, there was a steel in her eyes that said she likely would never even let it get close to that kind of choice.