Damn Reincarnation

Chapter 495: Delusion (3)

As Noir lowered her head, she was still thinking.

Thinking about the memories that had suddenly resurfaced and the emotions that had come with them. About those names from long ago that she didn’t consider to be anything special to her and weren’t even worth remembering.

As for those that she did consider special….

The Twilight Witch.

The Saint of the God of War.

And the name that he had personally given her: Aria.

In all of the hundreds of years she had been alive, Noir had never once been as perplexed as she was now. For Noir, the only thing that should influence her judgment and actions was herself. That was how Noir had lived her life up until this point.

Even while experiencing joy, anger, sadness, and all those types of emotions, all of Noir’s judgments, concerns, and choices were still ultimately decided through the force of her own will.

The same applied when it came to her decision on when to kill Hamel.

Noir had spent a long time pondering her complex and heartfelt feelings for Hamel. She had placed all of her desires on a scale, weighing her love and affection for Hamel and the intense killing intent that he would direct toward her against the sense of loss, regret, sorrow, and grief that she would have to experience for the rest of her long life if she were to kill him. She also contemplated the fulfillment and satisfaction that she might feel if she were the one to die….

Noir had taken all of that into account and made her choice. No one else had forced that decision for her.

But now….

Now, things no longer felt under her control. The current Noir was like a glass of water with far too many foreign impurities mixed into it. Such a state was extremely unpleasant in and of itself, and she especially hated how she was being affected by memories and emotions that weren’t even hers.

That was why she hadn’t wanted to reveal it to Eugene today. It was because she couldn’t be sure if any of the actions she took today were entirely hers, something that Noir Giabella would do.

She thought she needed some time. She felt the urge to just run away. If Gavid Lindman hadn’t suddenly attacked Eugene, Noir wouldn’t have felt the need to descend to the earth and would have instead returned to her fief immediately, or else she would have stayed put inside of her Giabella-Face.

‘But it’s already too late,’ Noir thought regretfully.

The moment she heard the name Aria, all the memories and emotions had resurfaced with far too much intensity. The actions that followed — no matter how much she thought about it, she hadn’t been like herself. While chiding herself over this fact, Noir continued thinking.

Even at a moment like this, Noir felt some regret.

They were locked together in a light kiss, with only their lips touching. Both had stopped breathing, and neither had closed their eyes. They were staring into each other’s unmistakably open gaze.

It was different from what she had imagined.

If she and Hamel were to ever kiss, Noir had always dreamed of some light explorations of each other’s bodies followed by a night of passionate kisses — but no matter how much she had fantasized about it, she had never expected that she would ever actually get to lie in bed with her Hamel.

As such, Noir had also imagined a different kiss. One that would take place at the moment when one of them finally delivered the other’s end. Whether Noir died at Hamel’s hand or Hamel died at the hands of Noir. After they had both become drenched in blood, as their breaths became shallow, and their vision grew dim….

They would put on their rings.

Exchange a few whispers.

Then, end it with one final kiss.

—If you have any last wishes, I will listen to them.

“It’s different,” Noir muttered as their lips slowly withdrew from the point of contact.

Noir giggled as she pressed her forehead against Eugene’s. Eugene stared back into Noir’s eyes without saying anything.

After a few moments, Eugene finally asked, “What’s different?”

Noir returned his question, “You already know the answer to that, so why are you even asking?”

Eugene changed the subject, “I actually suspected that you might have remembered the past already.”

Noir burst into laughter, “Ahahaha….”

She knew what he was talking about: the rings she had bought for them to wear on their ring fingers.

Why had she suddenly thought about rings back then? And instead of ones that were studded with fancy jewels, why had she wanted such ordinary, almost crude, rings? Why, at that time, had she had tears on that dawn-lit street while staring at Hamel’s back?

“Hamel,” Noir said with a slight smile. “When our lips touched just now, I knew for sure. I… am not Aria. I do not want to be Aria. I… am just Noir Giabella.”

“…,” Eugene listened in silence.

“And you, I know that you also feel the same way. If I had to say why…,” Noir’s hands once again began to caress Eugene’s cheeks. Her fingers traced over his jaw, then moved up to Eugene’s lips as she continued speaking, “It’s because his lips were much rougher. They gave off the smell of blood… and there was… affection.”

“That sounds about right,” Eugene agreed as his lips twisted in a smirk. “Because he was Agaroth. Just as you aren’t Aria, I’m not Agaroth either.”

“However, I do have Aria’s memories and emotions,” Noir pointed out.

“The same goes for me,” Eugene nodded along.

“Hamel,” Noir suddenly whispered.

Eugene’s face was reflected in her large, round eyes.

“Those memories and emotions that don’t belong to us, do we allow them to change us?” Noir asked quietly.

“No,” Eugene denied that option in a low voice. “Since I am me, and you are you, we won’t change. We can’t change.”

“Ha,” Noir let out a laugh. “What a great answer.”

Noir also felt the same way. Even if these memories and emotions that didn’t belong to her continued to torment her, she would not allow herself to be overcome by this delusion. If she had to give a reason, it was because her self-identity as Noir Giabella — the Queen of the Night Demons, Duke of Helmuth, Lord of Dreamea and Giabella-City — was stronger than that of the Twilight Witch, the Saint of the God of War, and even Aria.

Noir had confirmed this through their kiss. Not only was it different from her imagination, but he was also different from the man she remembered.

“What I want is still the same,” Noir informed Eugene as her face slowly pulled away from him. “Do you remember what we talked about in the bar back then? I still want to experience those feelings… guilt, loss, regret, and all of those other emotions. I want to die at the hands of someone who truly hates me. I still hope that will be you. I don’t hate you, but I do want you to love me as much as you hate me.”

This was the right course of action.

As she grabbed the ring on her necklace, Noir said, “The love that I hold for you must end with one of our deaths.”

Noir felt once more that this was the correct choice. She suppressed the wavering sensation spreading deep within her heart. She would not be overcome by this delusion. However, wasn’t it inevitable that there would be at least some wavering in her heart?

Although her face had pulled away from his, Noir had yet to raise her body off of Eugene. She was still sitting on top of him, with a sad smile lingering on her face.

“But I hate this,” Noir admitted.

“What is it that you hate?” Eugene asked.

“When I kill you, I want to feel some hesitation,” Noir confessed wistfully. “After hesitating again and again, I want to finally take your life and then feel a sense of loss and regret for the rest of my life. I also hope that you might do the same for me. After hesitating for a long time, I hope that you will finally kill me… then I want you to remember that someone like me existed for the rest of your life.”

“…,” Eugene held his tongue.

Noir sighed, “However, now, that might no longer be possible. Will the regret and sense of loss that I will feel after killing you truly belong to me? What about you? Will you regret the loss of Noir Giabella? Or perhaps you will only regret the loss of Aria?”

“There’s no need for you to worry about something like that,” Eugene told her.

He wasn’t able to move his body with ease, but Eugene still forced himself to look her straight in the eye.

“Because there is no way you will be able to kill me,” Eugene said firmly. “You are the one who is going to die. As such, your worries won’t be of any use whatsoever.”

“Ahahaha…,” Noir laughed as she shook her head. “In that case, what about if you survive? Once you kill me, whose emotions will you be feeling?”

“My own,” Eugene answered.

“What a clear response,” Noir commented with a smile.

“It doesn’t matter that I had a distant past life as someone named Agaroth. I am going to kill you, and that will be the end of that. As for what I might feel after I kill you? That’s something that I’ll think about then,” Eugene dismissed with a shrug.

Noir raised an eyebrow, “Aren’t you just trying to escape the issue?”

“I am not going to obsess over some kind of fantasy,” Eugene said as he glared at Noir. “So you should also wake up from your dreams.”

Noir didn’t respond to that and just stared into Eugene’s eyes.

As he met her gaze, Eugene continued, “I am just me and you are just you. As for these memories from our past lives? These emotions? Sorry, but for me, the present is more important than anything else. That means the current me is more important than who I might have once been.”

Once he had finished speaking, Eugene took a deep breath.

Then, still staring directly into Noir’s eyes, Eugene spat out, “Do you remember your promise?”

“…I remember it,” Noir admitted after a short pause. “I promised to answer any three questions you might have for me.”

“I’ll use my final question here,” Eugene declared. “Noir Giabella, what do you want to do to me?”

Back in Giabella-Park, he had used two questions, and received their answers. Although Eugene had saved the last question just in case it might prove useful later, Eugene decided that now was the time to use it.

Because he thought that he needed to make things clear between them, right here and now.

“You really are cruel,” Noir softly muttered. “You’re also too kind for your own good.”

“What kind of bullshit is that,” Eugene just scoffed.

“You could have taken advantage of my current weakness,” Noir pointed out with a giggle, then she shook her head. “You are right, Hamel. As the Queen of the Night Demons, I… fufu, to think that I would become lost in a dream like this one.”

Their positions had been reversed. When they were walking together in the Giabella-Park at night, Noir had noticed that Hamel was the one wavering.

At that time, Hamel had seemed strange. He didn’t even try to pretend like nothing was wrong. From the moment they had met in front of Giabella-Park, Hamel had appeared agitated. She could still vividly recall what he had looked like back then.

Eugene had easily agreed to ride in the Giabella-Face together, and they had flown through the sky. Then, later, they had partaken in the lively and beautiful nightlife of her city. At that time, Noir had thought that the reason Hamel was wavering was the gap between the current era and their past.

The gap between Noir Giabella of three hundred years ago and Noir Giabella of today.

She had thought that such hesitation was adorable. She didn’t know what he had seen to cause this misunderstanding that was so distressing to him, but his wavering… Noir had thought that the presence of those feelings within Hamel would only add further sweetness to the beautiful arrangements that Noir had made for their final moments together.

“The reason I feel such sadness and grief…,” Noir began.

She wasn’t all that wrong in guessing that Eugene’s wavering was because of a gap between the present and the past. However, it was just that the gap that Hamel had sensed was between the present and their very distant past lives.

“…is that my love for you has been polluted with someone else’s love,” Noir said regretfully.

Noir’s hands moved. Instead of continuing to stroke Eugene’s face, she gently wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Using that grip, Noir embraced Eugene and pulled him up into a sitting position.

“Thank you Hamel,” Noir’s lips approached Eugene’s ear as she whispered to him. With its soft tones and sweetly-scented breath, Noir Giabella’s voice tickled Eugene’s ear as she said, “Thanks to you saying those things, I… even with these past memories of someone who isn’t me, I feel like I will still be able to enjoy what we have together.”

—Apart from becoming enemies, isn’t there any other way?

Now she understood the reason why Hamel had asked such a thing.

“Allow me to answer your question,” Noir said with a smile.

At that time, Hamel was speaking to Noir Giabella, not the Twilight Witch, who was causing him to feel such hesitation. Just like how Noir had confirmed the truth of each other’s identity and the truth of her own feelings through their kiss, Hamel had also needed a confirmation.

—There is no other way.

At that time, Noir had given that response without any hesitation. With that response, Hamel had made up his mind. Now, by answering his final question, Noir had fully prepared herself to give a response that truly conveyed her own will.

“I still want to kill you,” said Noir firmly.

Their positions may have been swapped, but her answer was still the same.

“As for the fact that I was the Twilight Witch, Aria, and the Saint of the God of War…,” Noir gave a faint smile as she gently strengthened her embrace of Eugene’s body. “And the fact that you were the God of War, Agaroth, and then Hamel….”

The more she spoke, the more she felt like her true identity was being reasserted. It felt like every word was adding its weight to her existence, causing her self-identity to grow heavier and more solid.

“After realizing these facts, we have been distressed by these truths that we didn’t want to know, confused by each other’s identities as well as our own, and we felt a mix of love and hate as we were shaken by memories and emotions that weren’t our own…. Nevertheless, as long as we do not give up on our killing intent towards each other and we do all that we can to destroy each other, then, at the very last moment, if we were to hesitate,” Noir sighed as she lifted her head from his shoulder.

Shifting position, Noir stared directly into Eugene’s eyes as she said, “That moment will be as sweet and as deadly as the finest poison. You can be certain of this, Hamel. If I do kill you, then any feelings of regret, loss, and grief that I may have imagined myself feeling beforehand will all pale in comparison to the real things. Perhaps, just perhaps, I might even be left so broken that I can never get back up once more.”

“…,” Eugene held his tongue.

“Will that be the case for you as well?” Noir asked him.

Eugene still didn’t give any form of response. This was because he felt it was too early for him to be sure of an answer to that question. What kind of emotions would he feel at the end that Noir was speaking of?

Noir continued to stare at the silent Eugene. He had a stoic expression on his face and a calm look in his eyes. However, as she kept up the stare, she finally began to see some traces of wavering in the depths of his eyes. Finally, Noir burst into laughter once more.

“That is just how it is going to be,” Noir said, her smile deepening as she lifted herself forward.

Unlike when she had first slowly approached him to kiss him, Noir suddenly grabbed Eugene by the neck and then forcefully met his lips in a kiss. As their lips crashed together, her forcefully probing tongue became entangled with Eugene’s own.

The moment of their kiss was thankfully brief. But those few seconds that Noir had claimed were enough to completely unsettle Eugene. Far from being sweet, romantic, or tender, her kiss was fierce and bestial. Before their lips had parted completely, Noir’s teeth lightly bit down on Eugene’s bottom lip.

“I will make sure that’s the case,” Noir firmly promised. “After all, I happen to be much more attractive than that old woman from our memories.”

“…You… you crazy…,” Eugene muttered speechlessly.

Blood flowed down from the bite on his slightly swollen lip. Noir stretched out her tongue and licked up that blood, then smashed Eugene’s lips in yet another kiss. It was still impossible for Eugene to put up any resistance. Her blood-soaked tongue ran wild inside of his mouth. Eugene bit down on her tongue as it entangled his own a few times, but it was a meaningless protest. The taste of blood soon spread throughout his mouth.

Their kiss lasted for another few seconds. As they parted, saliva mixed with blood stretched out in a string between Eugene and Noir’s lips.

“It will be different from that woman’s clumsy kiss,” Noir threatened as her wet lips parted in a wide smile.

Before Eugene could burst out cursing, Noir climbed off of him.

Fwooosh!

Her outspread wings folded back up. Light crept back into the darkness that had previously isolated just the two of them.

“Hamel,” Noir whispered. “I still hate the dawn.”

She hated being woken up from her sleep in the morning.

Eugene had heard her say these words during that dawn in Giabella-Park.

As Noir finished saying the same thing she did back then, her bloody lips parted in a wide smile. She laughed and said, “But now I feel like I hate the twilight as well.”

A new desire had formed within her.

“I only like the nights where I can keep dreaming forever.” As Noir said these words, she truly did seem like the Queen of the Night Demons. Turning around, Noir called back over her shoulder, “Well then, goodbye, Hamel.”

Unlike the dawn back then, this time, there weren’t any tears flowing from Noir’s eyes.