Chapter 453: Tragedy of Pizza

Chapter 450: Tragedy of Pizza

"Enjoy your manual labor. Please try to chew quietly. The sound of crushing carbohydrates is incredibly distracting to my inner peace."

Gillian aggressively bit into a massive slice of pepperoni pizza. The resulting crunch of the perfectly baked, thick crust echoed loudly across the open room. She chewed with deliberate, exaggerated slowness, locking her gaze entirely on Alex’s resting face.

Alex let out a long, suffering sigh. He did not open his eyes.

"That crunch registered at approximately forty-five decibels, Gillian," Alex murmured, his voice utterly flat. "You are practically operating heavy machinery in my living room. The acoustic trauma is unacceptable."

"It’s called eating, Alex," Gillian shot back, taking another loud bite just to prove a point. "It is a basic, foundational human experience. The crunch is the reward."

"The crunch is the sound of your own jaw bones grinding against resistance," Alex corrected seamlessly. "It is a biological cry for help. You are subjecting your facial muscles to an uncompensated overtime shift just to process dough."

Angelina leaned over him, dangling a hot, cheese-laden slice mere inches from his nose. "Come on, Mr. CEO. Stop breathing your invisible soup for one second. Just open your mouth and take a bite. I dare you."

Alex simply turned his head a fraction of an inch away from the slice. "Biting requires tearing, Angie. Tearing demands cervical leverage and a violent backward pull of the neck. Furthermore, there is a severe grease liability. If a single drop of melted cheese touches my chin, I am immediately forced to deploy a napkin."

"So use a napkin!" Jennifer laughed, wiping her own mouth.

"Deploying a napkin requires lateral friction," Alex lectured, his tone perfectly reasonable. "It forces the wrist to engage in a repetitive wiping motion. It irritates the epidermis. I am not trading my absolute physical neutrality for a momentary spike in sodium. My synthetic mist is vastly superior."

Monica shook her head in sheer disbelief, holding a slice folded in half like a true New Yorker. "You have literally logic-ed yourself out of enjoying pizza. You are deeply, profoundly broken."

"I am mathematically optimized," Alex corrected. "Look at Courteney. She is breathing heavily just trying to swallow her crust."

"I am not breathing heavily!" Courteney protested, though she did reach quickly for a glass of water to wash down a particularly dry piece of bread.

Before the women could form a united, physical rebellion to force-feed him a slice of pepperoni, Snoop Dogg and Keanu Reeves strolled back into the living room. They weren’t holding the gastronomic inhalers anymore. Instead, they were both wearing sleek, silver metallic bands around their temples, glowing with a faint blue light.

Snoop stopped near the edge of the floating sofa, pointing a finger at Alex. "Nephew, we have achieved a critical logistical breakthrough in the East Wing."

Alex finally opened his eyes, staring blankly at the ceiling. "Does this breakthrough require me to sit up, Snoop?"

"Nah, King. It requires absolutely nothing," Snoop grinned widely. "We found the ’Automated Empathy Nodes’."

Gillian stopped chewing. "What on earth is an empathy node?"

Keanu drifted closer, his expression radiating profound, philosophical peace. He pointed to his own head. "We realized that the continuous puppy conveyor circling the room presents a severe ergonomic dilemma, Alex."

"Explain," Alex demanded softly.

"To properly appreciate the puppies, one must reach out, extend the arm, and engage in rhythmic scratching behind their ears," Keanu whispered reverently. "This requires sustained triceps engagement and repetitive finger curling. Loving a dog is a severe drain on the upper body."

"A tragic design flaw of pet ownership," Alex agreed completely. "How did Vanguard correct this?"

"These headbands read our neural affection levels," Snoop explained, tapping the silver metal on his temple. "They capture the exact brainwaves associated with wanting to pet a dog. Then, they transmit that feeling directly into the puppies’ brains via Bluetooth. We are telepathically scratching them."

Jennifer choked on her pizza, hacking violently before swallowing. "You automated petting a dog?!"

"Wireless affection," Alex murmured, a slow, deeply satisfied smirk spreading across his face. "Flawless execution. The physical act of petting transfers oils from the hand to the fur, which eventually necessitates the tragedy of washing your hands at a sink. By loving the dogs via Bluetooth, you bypass the plumbing entirely."

Angelina stared at them, horrified and deeply amused. "You cannot Bluetooth love a dog! That is completely dystopian!"

"Look at the conveyor belt, Angie," Snoop chuckled, keeping his hands firmly tucked into his pockets.

The women turned their heads. On the slow-moving automated track, a sleeping golden retriever puppy suddenly let out a soft, happy sigh. Even though it was fast asleep and no one was within ten feet of it, its tail began to thump rhythmically against the belt in pure, unadulterated joy.

"You see that?" Keanu whispered in awe. "I am currently thinking about rubbing his belly. The machine is translating my intent into a localized dopamine spike for the animal. I am providing top-tier animal husbandry without ever uncrossing my legs."

Mariah burst into chaotic laughter, collapsing back into the cushions. "You are hacking a puppy’s feelings! This is the most absurd thing you have ever done!"

"We are optimizing inter-species diplomacy, Mary," Alex corrected her, waving a lazy hand toward Keanu. "Toss me a headband. If I can fulfill my quota of canine affection using only my frontal lobe, I may never use my hands again."

Keanu tossed a spare silver band through the air. It landed squarely on Alex’s chest. Alex didn’t bother putting it on his head; he simply pressed it against his forehead and closed his eyes.

"I am currently broadcasting intense, highly focused affection to the entire conveyor belt," Alex announced, his voice a flat drone. "I am mentally scratching every single ear in this room simultaneously. The caloric savings are astronomical."

All around the room, five sleeping puppies simultaneously began to kick their hind legs and wag their tails in a synchronized display of telepathic bliss.

Gillian threw her pizza crust onto a plate, burying her face in her hands to muffle her laughter. "I give up. I completely give up. You found a way to be too lazy to pet a puppy."

"I am not lazy, Gillian," Alex replied, the blue light of the empathy node reflecting faintly off his face. "I am a pioneer of contactless compassion. Now, please resume chewing your pizza. Just do it with your mouth completely closed. I need total silence to maintain this wireless connection."