Chapter 487 - 488: A Thousand Shade Of Blue.

Chapter 487: Chapter 488: A Thousand Shade Of Blue.

He just stands there. Wordless. Waiting. Knowing, somehow, that no matter what Khobi says now it won’t be what he wants to hear. Because either he doesn’t want him, or he does and has resolved to leave him anyway.

Of the two, which fate is worse?

And Khobi...

Khobi knew, didn’t he? He doesn’t need Loac to explain himself; doesn’t need to be told what he means by that because he already knows. But despite that, he’s unprepared for how hard the words hit him; how they yank on his heartstrings like Loac has reached right into his chest and is clinging to his heartbeat like a lifeline; a fragile little thread dangling him over the abyss. It’s supposed to be uplifting, right? Hearing from the person you want that they feel the same?

It’s meant to make him helpless with joy.

And...it does.

Khobi wants to kiss him. So, so badly. He wants to cross the space between them and take Loac’s face in his hands and kiss him until he’s breathless and then whisper to him that he knows, that he feels it too; that he doesn’t want to leave him behind any more than Loac wants him to go. That he’s never felt like this about another person in his life and never wants to feel it for someone that isn’t him. But he doesn’t, because if he does that he’s not going to be able to leave. He’s meant to be going home, like he’s always wanted, but if he does that, takes his hands and holds him the way Loac wants him to, he’s not going to be able to let go.

It’s not fair.

He thought he’d made his choice, but if he had; if he’d really made his peace with leaving, then why does it feel like he’s being torn in two? And suddenly this equilibrium they’ve settled amidst is shifting; the wind whipping up within him and setting him shaking, because none of this is far. Why can’t he have both? Why does he have to choose, when going without either is going to hurt more than he could ever imagine. Better almost, to have neither, than live a life without one or the other. Why can’t he have his mountains and his home, and Loac, too; heart offered up to him on his face, on his sleeve, in his hands, and reflected in a thousand shades of blue.

A thousand shades of blue.

And just like that, he remembers a dream.

That dream. The one that made him realise his worst nightmare. But before it became a nightmare, they were dancing. He and Loac, together in Scargga.

"...What if you came with me?" The moment the words are out, it feels like the answer; that this is how he gets to have both, and when Loac stares at him, stunned, he steps forwards to grab him by the hand and look him right in the eye; searching, wanting him to know that.

"I want to go home, but I want you too."

Loac’s breath stutters, and behind the clouds still lingering in his eyes, Khobi suddenly sees clear, shimmering skies.

"So come with me, Loac," he repeats, suddenly breathless, suddenly desperately dizzy, giddy, helpless, and the words just tumble right on out before he can stop them. He’s such an idiot; how has he been such an idiot all this time. And he knows that now he’s the one not being fair; asking him to leave behind his home and his family when he’s just told him not to ask him to do the same. Knows how Loac must have felt asking it of him. But that hadn’t stopped him, and it doesn’t Khobi either. "To Scargga. We can go to the waterfalls, and go riding in the forest. I can show you the hot springs, and the mountains, and...and..." He has to break to gulp in a lungful of air; didn’t even realise he was shaking until Loac’s fingers clench tight around his to hold them steady, "...I think you’d like the mountains."

For a horrifying moment, Loac says absolutely nothing, and it’s Khobi’s turn to wait there on the edge; heart held in his outstretched hands.

And then the storm settles; light peeking through the clouds, and out of the silence he hears it:

"...Loac," Loac whispers, voice breathless and eyes alight with disbelief and wonder, "...You...called me Loac."

It’s not what he expected him to say at all. Not even close.

"...It’s..." Khobi hadn’t even realised; the name falling off his lips unthinkingly in the moment, so easily he’s surprised it’s never slipped out all on its own before. His face suddenly feels too warm, and some of the giddiness drops from his chest to his stomach as he swallows, confused. "It’s...your name, isn’t it?" Mutely, Loac nods, letting out a deep exhale like he’s been holding it all this time he’s been waiting; a red flush rising high in his cheeks.

"You’ve never called me by it before."

There’s a first time for everything, right?

"Well I am now," Khobi says sheepishly, brow creasing, "...Unless...you don’t want me to?"

"Wha –no, what are you talking about?" he cuts in sharply, the mere notion sending alarm crossing his expression. And then, suddenly looking a little embarrassed, he murmurs, "... Say it again."

"What, Loac ?"

Khobi didn’t think he was being serious, but the moment the name falls off his tongue Loac’s lips twitch; curling up into a smile; equal parts relieved, excited, and full of hope. Then, letting out a long, anguished sigh like somehow all the weight in the world has fallen from his shoulders, he leans in and presses his forehead flush to Khobi’s; eyes sinking closed and his thumbs carding slow, contemplative circles against the backs of Khobi’s hands as he takes both of his hands in his own. The open, honest gesture of affection sends a soft, giddy thrill down Khobi’s spine, but he hasn’t answered him, not yet, and pressed this close he can feel his breathing slow and his brow pinched against his own; deep in thought.