Because I Cannot Hurt You

Chapter 504 Like an outsider

Shuang looked far away at the horizon. “I am. Look, Mrs. An is back. My mother is in jail anyway. I don’t see a point living here-“

”Oh come on! I cannot believe you can talk so foolishly and immaturely, Shuang! So what if Mrs. An is back or if your mother is in jail? That has nothing to do with your relationship with Dad! Do you know how hurt he would be to know you wouldn’t come back?”

Shuang folded her arms and stared at her. “Doesn’t that apply to you too? Even if Mrs. An is back and Dad had a past with Aunt Zongying, it doesn’t affect your relationship with him as his daughter. You are all past that. Then why are you hesitating to meet him?”

Zizi opened her mouth and shut it. Then she opened it again and mumbled. “I-I will eventually go inside…I am just thinking about how to greet Mrs. An. It’s complicated. But at least I am not running away like you! I am not hurting Dad’s feelings, but you are!”

She faintly smiled. “Indeed. I always keep hurting others’ feelings. Whether it was Yunru before or Dad now.”

Zizi stiffened.

”So, isn’t it better that I leave? Plus…”

She pressed her. “Plus what?”

”Ever since Mom went to jail, I have been feeling disconnected from my family. It is strange. I wasn’t really close to her. But at least, she was still there. I had someone I was related to by blood, so I found some solace in that for all these years. Then she was gone. Then it was Dad, Caihong and you,” she scratched her head. “I feel like an odd man out. The one who doesn’t belong here.”

Zizi was stumped. “I… cannot take in that you are saying this. You never cared about this stuff before-“

”I always did, Zizi,” her voice had a tinge of sharpness and bitterness in it. “I just never showed it. It’s a very delicate balance when there is a stepmother and stepdaughter in the family. Mom never liked Caihong, neither did she accept her. Even between us, it took a long time to get comfortable around each other. And that happened only because we didn’t bother each other, not because we made an effort to form a sisterhood between us.”

She sighed and looked up at the sky. “Mom did a horrible thing and is in jail now. I know Dad never loved her, but I saw the disappointment in his eyes for scheming against Caihong. He assured me that nothing would change between us, but…it’s really hard, Zizi. It feels like something is hanging on my neck. That sensation would only leave me alone when I leave here. 

First, there was Caihong. I thought I was intruding upon something. He should have given all that love to her, but now he had to share it with me. Caihong didn’t like that in our childhood. That’s why as soon as I opened my company, I started to live separately. Then it was known that you were his daughter. I felt my place becoming smaller. I don’t blame you. It’s not your fault, okay? I am just saying what I feel.”

Zizi lowered her gaze.

Shuang continued. “I accepted it and moved on. Ever since Mom was gone, I was already feeling uncomfortable, and now it only grew. But I held myself together. Now…Mrs. An is also back. Trust me. I am happy for them. I cannot express how it feels to see him with a relieved and blissful smile on his lips. It’s like he is a different person now,” her gaze warmed for a moment before it dimmed.

”But at the same time, I feel like a total outsider now. Mrs. An, Dad, Caihong, Xiaosi, Chyou and you. It feels like a complete family, and I wonder… What am I really doing here now? My mother connected me to them. But she is long gone. Now, Dad has his family. Really…what a person like me is needed here for? Zizi, it feels fancy to think that blood doesn’t matter. But at the back of your mind, that thought is always there. The feeling of being an outsider rings incessantly in my heart.”

She looked back at Zizi. “When you realized that you weren’t Uncle Tian and Aunt Liqin’s real daughter, it wasn’t so easy for you either, right? To disregard the blood and accept the truth. You stayed at Yunru’s house for a few days precisely because you wanted to sort out your thoughts.”

Zizi couldn’t retort to that. She was even mad at fate as to why she wasn’t their real daughter.

”You felt how nice it would be if you were really blood-related to them as their daughter. Zhiyuan will be your real brother, not just a cousin. Did you never think of that? They told you that you would always be their daughter and sister, no matter what blood said. But it was hard not to feel as if you aren’t…included in them.”

Zizi stiffened.

”They suddenly looked like one unit, and you seemed apart from them. As if you didn’t belong there. You felt it was a burden for them to take your responsibility. That’s how I feel too, Zizi. The missing piece of Dad’s life is back. The puzzle is perfectly fit now. And now I don’t know where I am fitting in all this. I feel like a glaring obstacle.”

Zizi was about to speak when she raised her palm. She quietly spoke, “I know Dad loves me. He would want me to live with them. But…it’s hard, Zizi. I cannot shake that feeling off my chest that I am unwanted. I am the extra piece of the puzzle that doesn’t fit anywhere here. I am not forcing myself. I am leaving out of here willingly. I just don’t want to bear this prickly feeling anymore.”