Because I Cannot Hurt You

Zhiyuan lifted his gaze and stared into her misty irises. What always reflected pain and sorrow in them were now filled with love and warmth.

"Indeed that was a difficult time for me," she whispered.

Zhiyuan slightly shook.

"I wanted to love Siying, but I couldn't. But you know, Zhiyuan? I really understand your position because trust me. It would have been impossible for me, too, to fall in love with someone else had I married him. There might be no excuses to make for that night on your part. You called her name, and it broke my heart."

He lowered his gaze and pain welled within him, thinking of the darkest night that has ruined everything between them.

"But it was my fault that I indirectly brought us to that stage."

He jolted and looked at her in shock. "Don't be stupid, Xinyi. Why are you blaming yourself?"

She silently stared at him. 

"I never told anybody this but that night during the reunion gathering when I had ran away after the abortion topic came up...I saw Yunru, Zizi and Shuang talking together before I met you."

Zhiyuan blinked his eyes.

"And I saw Yunru and Shuang breaking up."

He widened his eyes in disbelief. "What!? Yunru and Shuang?"

She nodded.

Zhiyuan felt too stunned to speak for a few moments. "W-Wait. Were they dating? When did they get into a relationship?"

He had never imagined that Yunru and Shuang had anything to do with each other, especially as a couple.

"Seven years back when everything happened on the graduation party night. When the man Shuang loved so much slept with Caihong."

He froze.

"Shuang...had feelings for Xiaosi?"

"It came as a shock to me too."

Silence.

She softly said, "I also don't know many details because Yunru never shared this with me. I only came to know about his girlfriend when he had arrested Zizi that day. He said he couldn't marry her because he had a girlfriend."

Zhiyuan slowly nodded. "I remember that…He was talking about Shuang?"

"Yes. But their relationship was complicated, so they never came out with it. At the reunion gathering night, there was a big confrontation, and Yunru confessed his feelings for her. But Shuang couldn't accept him because she still couldn't forget Xiaosi. Then Zizi stepped in, and she bashed Shuang for being cruel to him."

She bit her lip. "Everything came so suddenly at me that I didn't know what to do. I wasn't in the right state of mind since I was asked about my attempted abortion," her eyes teared up, "I wanted to be there for my brother, who was so heartbroken. But I knew that you wanted to talk to me, and I didn't want to face you back then. So I could do nothing for my brother that night."

"Xinyi…"

Zhiyuan pulled her into his arms, and tightly hugged her. The sound of his heart beating in his chest made her comfortable.

"Even until now, I couldn't bring that topic with Yunru. It seems that he doesn't want to talk about it, and I don't want to put him in a difficult position," she sadly chuckled, "We are similar. We have a hard time expressing our emotions just like how I couldn't tell him about what I went through."

She raised her head and slowly withdrew from his embrace. "I brought this up now because I want to say that I really admire Zizi. I am envious of her. And when I look at her, I always realize how much of a coward I had been. What happened between us that night was my fault too because I couldn't be bold like Zizi who declared her love for Yunru."

Xinyi faintly smiled. "She fought with Shuang, and then said that she will chase after Yunru. They had broken up, so now she will take that chance to make him hers. And I... could only watch her in a daze. I saw in her what I always lacked in myself. Courage."

She trembled.

"In that sense, Zizi and I were in the same position. The man we loved was in love with someone else. But there was me on one end, who couldn't do anything, and there was Zizi on the other side who didn't have any trouble deciding that she would make Yunru fall in love with her. She wasn't afraid of Shuang or challenging her place in his heart. Or maybe she might have been, but she was still determined to win over Yunru."

A tear slid down.

"I... could never do that. Even though I married the man I love, I couldn't take a single step forward. I lived with an unrequited love for two years, but when we finally got married, I was too afraid to approach you. I was afraid to challenge Caihong's place in your heart."

She clenched her fist.

"It's the same thing Grandpa said. What would happen in our marriage would highly depend on my actions. It was up to me to nurture your feelings for me. But I was overridden with guilt that you had to marry me when you loved Caihong so much. I didn't want to be a bother to you. In the end, I only pushed you deeper into the despair of her loss. I-If I had tried to make you look my way just like Zizi is doing, then...there might have been a chance that you wouldn't have gone through that depression."

"That is what is tethering Yunru to stand on his feet when he is so broken right now. Zizi. It is she who is holding his hand and forcing him out of that darkness that is left behind after he lost his love. Otherwise, maybe Yunru would have also slipped into that despair. He was with Shuang for seven years even though he knew she loved Xiaosi. He might have gone through the same fate."

Her shoulders quivered, and she broke down. "But I was useless.. I didn't try to make my place in your heart, so after doing nothing, the only one who remained in that precious position was Caihong."