Because I Cannot Hurt You

In front of Xiaosi's ward, Xinyi was patiently waiting for Zhiyuan. She wondered why it was taking so long for him to return.

"Did something happen back at home? Maybe an argument between Zhiyuan and Grandpa…"

Her heart raced in trepidation. Worried, she dialed his number. It took a while before he picked it.

"Zhiyuan. Is everything okay? You haven't returned yet, so I was worried."

There was silence on the other end.

Xinyi checked her phone to see if the call was still online. "Zhiyuan?"

"Look back."

Xinyi turned to see him standing before her, carrying two bags in his hands. 

"Oh! You are here," she took the bags from him and checked them, "What are these for? Oh, you brought some necessities for Ziz and me," she smiled, "Thank you."

Zhiyuan stared at her, seemingly unable to hear her. The words in her diary rang so loudly in his ears that before them, he felt as if everything else had become silent.

Xinyi was looking through the bags when she felt a warm feeling enveloping her cheek. Surprised, she looked up and saw Zhiyuan gently cupping her face. Her eyes bored into his black orbs that shone in grief and pain.

"Zhiyuan…"

He slowly leaned and rested his forehead on her shoulder. His arms wrapped her waist that gradually tightened her grasp upon her. 

Seeing Zhiyuan in such a heartbroken state made her feel miserable too. She was unaware that Zhiyuan had read her diary and thought that he was like this because of Han Huizhong's truth.

"Xinyi…"

His weak and choked voice tugged her heartstrings. She hugged him back and gently patted his head. "Zhiyuan. I understand how you are feeling. Nobody had expected Grandpa to... B-But, everything will be fine. We just have to give it some time. Whatever happens, I will always be with you. We will overcome this together."

Her soothing voice made him tremble and shed tears from his eyes. Xinyi felt moist as his tears plopped on her shoulder.

"Xinyi...I am horrible…"

She blinked her eyes. "W-what are you saying?"

"Xinyi, I am the worst. Everything is because of me…"

Her eyes widened. "Zhiyuan, no. What are you saying? It's not because of you. Please don't blame yourself."

"Everything is my fault. I failed. I have failed in everything...it's all my fault, Xinyi. I want to make everything right again. But I don't know how to do it, Xinyi. I don't deserve to be happy. But…" he hugged her harder, "I don't want to lose you Xinyi…"

She couldn't understand what he was trying to say. Why was he talking about losing her?

"Xinyi, I have been a terrible husband to you. I have given you nothing but pain. A-and I deserve the harshest punishment there is. That is to let you go, right?" He let out a self-deprecating chuckle.

"Zhiyuan…" she furrowed her brows in worry. She wanted to console him, but she didn't know what he was talking about.

"I...If I have to suffer, then I should let you go. That is the only correct thing. You shouldn't live with a man like me anymore. I have only pushed you to the depths of hell. I...I... know it…" she felt his quivering lips faintly brush upon her skin. 

"Letting you free is the…. only right thing to do…" his heart crushed as he said those words, "But I am horrible, Xinyi. I thought and thought a lot about it and r-realized that I am one selfish bastard. Even after knowing everything, I don't want to let you go, Xinyi...I-I want to live with you. I don't want to lose you. I am afraid, Xinyi. I want to make up for my mistakes, but then I feel that I don't deserve your forgiveness. I...I want to free you, but I don't want to separate from you. I am pathetic-"

"Zhiyuan!"

Xinyi shook him hard. She forced him to face her. "Why are you talking like this? What is this about letting me go? I am not going anywhere, Zhiyuan. I am here in front of you. Why are you saying such things?"

His lips let out a sad chuckle. "Only for now Xinyi…but one day, I will have to let you go."

She frowned. "It's not only for now. I will always stay by your side no matter what happens. Why do you want to let me go?"

She held his hands and anxiously asked, "What's wrong, Zhiyuan? What has happened?"

His lips curled into a tired smile. "What has happened…? My eyes have finally opened to reality. I now know that I am the biggest thorn in your life that has hurt you the most. It's time to remove that thorn now."

Xinyi looked at him, stupefied. She held his face in panic. "Zhiyuan. You are overthinking. Please tell me what has gone wrong. I will listen to you. We will solve it together."

Together…

It had a nice ring to it, but that word would soon hold no meaning anymore. Together would be just his dream now.

"This time we cannot solve it, Xinyi. It was... already out of hand a long time back."

Zhiyuan's trembling hands held hers. He tightly clutched onto her warmth that soothed him from within. But he knew that this warmth wouldn't be for long.

Before Xinyi could understand anything, he held her face and pulled her to place a gentle kiss on her lips. The tears from his cheek pressed onto hers as their lips met.

Xinyi stood frozen and watched him in a daze. It was so sudden that she couldn't think about anything. A few moments later, he parted away and stared at her beautiful irises. His thumb traced along her jaw and he faintly smiled.

He quietly took a step back and left.

"Zhi-Zhiyuan!" 

He was going farther and farther away from her as if he would never come back. Tears streamed down her cheeks. A bad foreboding crept in her chest and she turned pale. 

"What is happening…? Zhiyuan...He was talking so strangely. I don't understand. What does he want to do?"