Because I Cannot Hurt You

Shuang watched him in silence. Her expression didn't budge after Yunru's confession. The worst thing that she had imagined happened. 

"You...love me?"

Yunru slowly nodded.

"Since when?"

Yunru didn't respond.

"Since when, Yunru?" She repeated.

"Since always…" he whispered.

She stiffened. Her eyes slightly turned wet. "So you liked me when you had asked me out seven years back?"

He hesitated. "...Yes."

"But you lied to me."

He froze. "Shuang that...if I hadn't lied to you then you wouldn't have agreed. I couldn't see you in that state after Xiaosi rejected you. I just wanted to help you forget him. You were completely broken. If I could, I would have confessed my feelings on that night itself. I really wanted to. But I didn't want to burden you with my feelings. You didn't like me, and if you knew about my feelings, it would have hurt you to…" he faintly smiled. "You would have rejected me, and it would have pained you, right?"

Shuang gritted her teeth and shook her hand from his palm. He felt as if his heart stopped beating.

"Shuang…"

"Pained me? Do you think it's any less hurting me now that I know this?"

He froze.

"I feel like such a loser! You didn't help me. Instead, now I feel as if I was cruelly using you for seven years to forget my past love."

His voice choked. "N-No Shuang. You are wrong! I don't think that way at all-"

"But I do!" She glared at him as tears escaped her eyes.

"What do you think I am supposed to feel? We have been dating for the past seven years and you hid it from me all this time! You are right. I wouldn't have agreed to date you had I known your feelings. How could I? It would have been cruel to you if I had shamelessly stayed with you even though I knew about your feelings. To forget my love for Xiaosi, how could I have trampled upon your love? You expected me that if you had confessed your feelings, I should have turned a blind eye to it and kept using you just because it was convenient for me?"

Yunru was stunned. 

"At that night, I agreed because I was emotional. But later, I had made it clear to you that there... cannot be any feelings between us. It would be only casual. I asked you if it was fine with you, and you had said yes! There wasn't supposed to be any love between us because you know I…How do you expect me to stay in a causal relationship with you when you love me!? Do you want to make me so heartless? You lied about such a big thing to me!"

He shook at his spot and no matter how much he wanted to, words failed to escape his mouth.

A self-deprecating smile laced on her lips. "And now that I look back, I can only see how much of a bitch I was to you."

He widened his eyes. "Shuang, no! You are misunderstanding!" He held her face. "I didn't say anything because I... just didn't want to lose you. I was selfish. Even though Xiaosi rejected you and you were in pain, I could only think of that as a chance to get closer to you. I shouldn't have thought about my feelings and asked you out when you were dealing with heartbreak. I was supposed to be there as your friend and not use your vulnerability. But I got selfish. I wanted you. Why are you feeling bad when I am the bastard here?"

Shuang faintly smiled. "Then will you deny that you were waiting for all this time for me to fall for you?"

He couldn't retort.

"You were, right? You must have been expecting that. You must have thought that there might come a day when I would truly accept you. You stayed with me for seven years only in that hope, didn't you? But I would have broken up with you if I had known about that hope! I would have set you free because, in the end, you were only hurting yourself! And now I look like a villain!"

"Shuang…" he panicked.

"What were you thinking, Yunru!?" she burst into tears. "You lied to me! You broke our agreement. And now after seven years, you confess to me? And not only that, you... you even exposed our relationship to Xiaosi!"

Yunru looked at her wide-eyed. "H-Huh?"

"Yes! He told me everything. Why...Of all people, why would you tell it to Xiaosi!"

He stared at her aghast. "Did he say anything to you?"

He recalled their conversation and knew how mad Xiaosi was at Shuang. 

"What did he say to you?" He gritted his teeth. "You don't listen to him-"

Shuang glared at him. "Why not? See? This is what I am talking about. Even Xiaosi said how I was hurting you all this time. I am a villain in everybody's eyes. He told me to throw him out of my heart because he will never love anybody else but Caihong. Those words…" her shoulders trembled, "I never wanted to hear those words again after that night. After he rejected me, I never once showed it to him that I-" She suddenly stopped speaking because she realized that her next words would hurt Yunru. But her abrupt pause made him understand everything.

There was a long beat of silence.

Yuunru sadly laughed and completed her unsaid words. "That you still love him?"

She stiffened.

"That is what you want to say, right?"

At that point, he knew he had gotten his answer. His heart was crushed. The last flame of hope mildly fluttering died away. Pain gripped every cell of his body so badly that he just wished to collapse. He tried hard to stop his tears, but as if they had their own will, they gushed out with full force. Even after seven years, he failed to make a place in her heart. No matter how hard he tried, she never looked his way because her gaze was always fixed on Xiaosi's back. Even now, she thought about Xiaosi. Even now, her heart only beat for Xiaosi.

"...Why Shuang? Why can you not forget him? Why can you not give me a chance? Am I not good enough for you?" In the end, his voice turned softer and quieter until he couldn't hear it himself.

"I love you a lot. I cherish you the most. I will make you the happiest woman on this earth and I did everything I could to make it happen. Then why can you not move on from Xiaosi?"

Shuang bit her lip and clenched her fists. "S-see…? Aren't you now accusing me too? I knew this would happen... That's why I didn't want any more than friendship. Everything got complicated! So why did you keep living like this!?"

Yunru blankly looked at her. A dull pain enveloped his chest and he felt his heart rip apart into pieces.

*SLAP*

Suddenly, a loud slap resounded in the corridor.

"Because it is not wrong to hope, Shuang!"

Shuang's face was harshly tilted to the side. Shocked to her core, she felt completely numb. She slowly covered her cheek with her palm and as she raised her head, she saw that it was Zizi who had slapped her.

"Zi-Zizi…?"

Yunru was so taken aback that it took a few moments to grasp that Zizi was here.

Tears streamed down Zizi's eyes and her body trembled in rage as she faced Shuang. Even words were too few to describe how painful she felt at this moment.

She was listening to their conversation and the more she heard, the more she got the shocks of her life.

Yunru's girlfriend was Shuang. But Shuang loved Xiaosi. And even now, she did. 

She never imagined that Shuang would be in love with Xiaosi. That was unexpected.

But it didn't matter now.

The only thing that mattered to her, the only thing she could see in front of her was Yunru's trembling back as his heart shattered to pieces. She could only see his heartbroken gaze that was once filled with hope.

Shuang watched her in a daze. She was clueless as to why Zizi suddenly barged in. "Zizi you…"

"Shut up!" Zizi roared as she felt outraged. "If you say anything else, then I will slap you again!"

Yunru finally snapped out of his stupor. He grabbed her arm and looked at her horrified. "Princess! What are you doing!"

Zizi shook it off and glared at him. "You shut up as well or I will slap you too, you dumb lowly man! And when I say dumb, I mean it literally as someone who got no tongue to speak! Stay out of this!"

He looked at her, aghast and speechless.

What is…

Zizi turned and faced Shuang again. Her teeth ground in fury as she stepped in front of her. "You are right, An Shuang! You really are nothing but a shameless and heartless woman!"